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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

492 replies

AshNice · 31/07/2025 11:24

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

OP posts:
BruFord · 04/08/2025 16:22

@BlueyNeedsToFuckOff Yes, dogs are def. an emotional support for many people but they’re still not trained assistance/therapy dogs.

My dog is loving and affectionate but he’s not trained enough to attend a barbecue. Even if I wanted to bring him, I couldn’t. He’d badger everyone for food :-).

Horsie · 04/08/2025 16:46

whackamole666 · 31/07/2025 11:50

And me. Sick and tired of dogs and doggy people running roughshod over everyone else's enjoyment.

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Absolutely. I don't think I'll ever forget what a PITA my friend was with her late dog, who apparently couldn't be left alone for a second. He had to come everywhere, our meetups had to accommodate him - meaning that we could no longer go to many of our favourite places - and if she had to go somewhere the dog couldn't go, she got a dogsitter for him. The entire thing was just so, so unhealthy and incredibly annoying. I also have a family member who knows a lot about animals and has many of them, and he doesn't carry on like that about his dogs, great animal-lover though he is.

I had never experienced anyone being so weird about their dog before as my friend was, and it's made me very wary of being close to people with dogs in case they're like that about them!

BruFord · 04/08/2025 16:49

@Horsie One of DH’s sisters won’t even get a dog sitter so we always have to go to her.

So we have to leave our dog with our sitters (who are lovely) to visit her, but she “can’t” apparently. It’s bizarre!

broney · 04/08/2025 16:51

I have a Springer Spaniel who loves people and children, very sociable. If I go to anything like a party or a barbecue I will ask if its ok to bring him, and if so I'll keep him on a lead.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 04/08/2025 16:56

Ultimately op you are also training sil that she can't always have her own way. Shame her ddog can't be as easily taught.

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 04/08/2025 16:57

I wouldn’t invite my own spaniel in the circumstances, so no, YANBU.

EmotionallyWeird · 04/08/2025 17:03

I think I would have said that the dog had to be on a lead, and mention the sausage stealing incident as a reason. But now she has flounced, I wouldn't backtrack and offer the lead compromise now.

Horsie · 04/08/2025 17:59

VivienneDelacroix · 31/07/2025 12:31

Oh the dog thing is ridiculous.
A family member of mine has to bring their dog to everything, it becomes the focus because it's constantly running between people, looking for food, wanting to be involved. Last year, at a family birthday meal, we asked to put it in the garden whilst we ate and you'd think we'd asked for it to be shut in a hot car. The poor thing would be sad, it's not fair for him to sit outside whilst we eat, etc. In the end my SIL took her food outside to sit with the dog.

I don't tote my cats along everywhere, expecting adaptations to be made for them, and everyone to fit around them.

No, don't agree to the dog at the barbecue. It sets a precedent and the dog will have to come to every family occasion.

Your SIL took her plate outside to eat with the dog instead of eating with her family? JFC. I like dogs as much as the next person, but these owners who enmesh themselves with their dogs as if they're one and the same entity are just weird and need help.

Horsie · 04/08/2025 18:00

BruFord · 04/08/2025 16:49

@Horsie One of DH’s sisters won’t even get a dog sitter so we always have to go to her.

So we have to leave our dog with our sitters (who are lovely) to visit her, but she “can’t” apparently. It’s bizarre!

Oh wow. That would drive me absolutely bananas!

Plus, you have to pay for dogcare while she never has to!

BruFord · 04/08/2025 18:06

@Horsie Exactly, it’s the same with my in-laws. They have to visit her as she can’t leave the dogs. She’s a nice person but she seems to have a blind spot with regard to this-and I suppose my in-laws enable her too. 🤷. I wouldn’t expect ppl in their 80’s to drive 90 miles to visit me (they do stay over).

Horsie · 04/08/2025 18:08

Imisscoffee2021 · 31/07/2025 12:42

Because its not a trained service animal then I agree with you, and you've not made the boundaries, she has. She is unable to go anywhere without her dog and therefore she has made some places no go's for herself (though those will be very few and far between as we live in a very accepting time for dogs in places).

Makes me think of my brother and his fur babies, when my baby was crawling and he hadn't met him yet we asked if the huge (lovely) retriever and the very bouncy (lovely) spaniel could be in the kitchen at first (which was where they spend alot of time anyway as the TV is in there and a sofa), and if we could just have the front room (a sort of front room used for best situation so dogs rarely in there) for my baby to crawl about in and meet his uncle etc etc. You'd think I'd have asked him to euthanise the dogs! Apparently it's not fair on them, to be left out of a 30 minute family event like that. So I ended up holding a squirming baby grumpy as he wanted to crawl while stopping a jumping spaniels claws scratch him and a lolling retriever tongue licking him constantly, was mayhem and chaos and uncle barely interacted with nephew.

Oh my god, that's AWFUL. I like dogs, but someone putting their needs as equal to a baby's safety would have made me absolutely mad!

Horsie · 04/08/2025 18:11

BruFord · 04/08/2025 18:06

@Horsie Exactly, it’s the same with my in-laws. They have to visit her as she can’t leave the dogs. She’s a nice person but she seems to have a blind spot with regard to this-and I suppose my in-laws enable her too. 🤷. I wouldn’t expect ppl in their 80’s to drive 90 miles to visit me (they do stay over).

Ugh. So selfish.

I have a theory that people who are like this with their dogs are pains in the arse in other areas of life, too. That was certainly true of my friend who was the dog-pain. I reckon they're all generally self-centred and difficult people. Several people on this thread have said that they'd be mortified if their dog behaved this badly and have said they would understand being asked to leave their dog at home, but I bet OP's SIL sails on regardless with no shame. Because in her mind, all that counts is what she wants.

Horsie · 04/08/2025 18:28

BananaCaramel · 31/07/2025 13:58

There is no compromising with these sorts of insufferable dog owners. Their version of a compromise is they get to bring the dog and we all have to tolerate it. We fell out with BIL and his gf because we have said their dog will not ever be welcome at our house and we won’t be going to PILs at the same time
as them if they bring their dog because both of us suffer from allergies (we also hate dogs generally and find them irritating, overstimulating and gross) but the allergy is the argument we put forward because it is true and you would think it can’t be argued with….

Apparently not! You would have thought I had slapped her sister round the face or something. ILs took our side and forbade it at their house if we are coming but the relationship hasn’t really recovered.

Edited
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This is so awful. Imagine falling out with your family members over a dog! (I'm blaming your family members, not you!) I really like dogs, but as someone who's suffered multiple immediate-family bereavements, I find it offensive when people act as if dogs are as important as humans. And I don't believe the dog-pains really think so, anyway. I'm quite sure they would be more affected by the loss of a spouse or sibling or parent than by their dog - assuming normal family relationships. Not saying they wouldn't be heartbroken by the loss of their dog, but there are simply no words for the depth of ongoing grief that losing a beloved human brings. Dog owners mostly get another dog within a few months, whereas there is no replacing your family member. It would make me mad that a family member would value me so little that they'd be happy to fall out with me over their dog.

Horsie · 04/08/2025 18:30

Trishyb10 · 01/08/2025 18:21

Why is no one suggesting a compromise, can dog not stay in house and keep regular checks on it?

Oh, because it's not FAIR on the DOG to keep him locked away from everyone and all the fun! He would be SAD!

If you've never met one of these obsessive dog-simps, it's hard to understand. I wouldn't have believed anyone could be so unreasonable if I hadn't experienced it first-hand with a friend.

Horsie · 04/08/2025 18:31

BySassyGreenPanda · 31/07/2025 18:04

It resulted in the dog......sticking his head in the trifle.

Sorry OP but the mental image 😂😂

I shouldn't laugh, it's no trifling matter.......

LMAO! Good one!

I did also laugh at the image of the dog sticking his head in the trifle, although I imagine the whole thing wasn't one bit funny for OP!

Horsie · 04/08/2025 18:35

80smonster · 31/07/2025 13:34

Another vote for ‘Ah shame you can’t make it’, however would you be ok if your kids weren’t invited to her house? I once saw a dog mount a roasted ham, so you do have my sympathy.

Mount a roasted ham!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Brunettesmorefun · 04/08/2025 18:38

Spies · 31/07/2025 11:26

Cool she's solved the problem for you by saying she's not coming. Just say you'll catch up at another time and don't give the situation any more attention, people like this love the drama.

This is a great response.

BananaCaramel · 04/08/2025 18:50

Horsie · 04/08/2025 18:28

This is so awful. Imagine falling out with your family members over a dog! (I'm blaming your family members, not you!) I really like dogs, but as someone who's suffered multiple immediate-family bereavements, I find it offensive when people act as if dogs are as important as humans. And I don't believe the dog-pains really think so, anyway. I'm quite sure they would be more affected by the loss of a spouse or sibling or parent than by their dog - assuming normal family relationships. Not saying they wouldn't be heartbroken by the loss of their dog, but there are simply no words for the depth of ongoing grief that losing a beloved human brings. Dog owners mostly get another dog within a few months, whereas there is no replacing your family member. It would make me mad that a family member would value me so little that they'd be happy to fall out with me over their dog.

Show quote history

It would make me mad that a family member would value me so little that they'd be happy to fall out with me over their dog.

Yes that is exactly how we felt! It was so insulting and hurtful that the dog was considered equally (more!) important to them than us…and I had worked really hard on my relationship with BIL’s gf and DH had been extremely supportive to his brother about various things prior so it did (and still does) sting

AmusedOpalShaker · 04/08/2025 19:17

You are so, so not being unreasonable.

I can’t stand it. I don’t dislike dogs (before people jump on this like I’ve said something horrendous), nor am I obsessed with them, either.

My close friend is one of these people and it is just draining as hell.

Horsie · 04/08/2025 19:47

AmusedOpalShaker · 04/08/2025 19:17

You are so, so not being unreasonable.

I can’t stand it. I don’t dislike dogs (before people jump on this like I’ve said something horrendous), nor am I obsessed with them, either.

My close friend is one of these people and it is just draining as hell.

Draining is the word. That's exactly how I felt when my friend went nuts over her late dog. Everything we did had to be arranged around the dog, and the places we had previously enjoyed were now off-limits. I was caring for my father in his terminal-cancer stage and working full-time, and it was just one more piece of crap to deal with. I have known this friend for decades, but I think I'd back away from a newer friendship if they went mental over a dog like this.

ACynicalDad · 04/08/2025 19:52

My well behaved dog remains on a short lead at family barbecues and sits at my feet. That shouldn’t be a problem for a therapy dog.

Rolosaregoo · 05/08/2025 15:47

ACynicalDad · 04/08/2025 19:52

My well behaved dog remains on a short lead at family barbecues and sits at my feet. That shouldn’t be a problem for a therapy dog.

Clearly it’s a problem for this “therapy dog”, so Op did well to stick to her guns.

ACynicalDad · 05/08/2025 17:37

Rolosaregoo · 05/08/2025 15:47

Clearly it’s a problem for this “therapy dog”, so Op did well to stick to her guns.

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My response was somewhat tongue in cheek.

Summergirl92 · 09/08/2025 14:40

The fact that you keep referring to the dog as it is the first problem. No, you don't like dogs your wording is horrible. 😒 Secondly dogs are family so he belongs at a family bbq. Thirdly there's absolutely nothing or anyone more annoying than a toddler so if you can tolerate 3 toddlers at a picnic, you can definitely tolerate the dog. Suck it up.