Page 15 | To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

UpDo · 01/08/2025 20:03

Trishyb10 · 01/08/2025 18:21

Why is n ne suggesting a compromise, can dog not stay in house and keep regular checks on it?

Because the last time a compromise was tried, the dog stuck their head in a trifle.

Arraminta · 01/08/2025 20:09

AshNice · 31/07/2025 12:48

Thanks so much everyone - genuinely appreciate the replies and the reassurance. I was starting to feel like I was being a bit heartless but it’s really helped to see that others would feel the same.

I ended up texting her something simple like “Sorry we won’t see you this time - hope to catch up soon,” and just left it there. She’s read it but hasn’t responded, which is probably for the best. If she wants to sulk, that’s on her.

For a bit more context - she only started calling the dog a “therapy dog” about 6 months ago after she saw something on TikTok, and now brings him literally everywhere. Supermarkets, hair appointments, her Pilates class (not even joking). He’s a sweet dog in theory, but he’s constantly jumping up, barking at birds, and begging for food. He once weed on my MIL’s hallway rug and she just said “oops, anxiety!” like that explained it.

I really don’t think she’s doing the dog any favours either - he clearly has zero boundaries and is completely overstimulated most of the time.

I would absolutely understand if this were a properly trained support dog or a genuine medical need - but I just can’t see how “my dog keeps me calm” automatically means he gets an invite to everything. Especially when there are going to be toddlers, open food, and a paddling pool involved.

DH did try the whole “can’t you just compromise?” angle last night, but I pointed out that we did try that before - and it resulted in the dog nicking a cheeseburger and sticking his head in the trifle. So no, I think I’m done compromising.

Anyway, thanks again - some of the replies had me howling (the sausage monster comment will live in my head forever). Much needed.

Oh so she's basically cos-playing an idealised Tik Tok lifestyle? Does she also carry a massive Stanley cup everywhere with her? Or have a grey, crushed velvet sofa?

TallMam · 01/08/2025 20:14

Ughhh your SIL stresses me out and I don't even know her. Having had a horrendous experience with somebody bringing his "excitable" puppy to our home I will never ever have anybodies dog in my house again.
I will never burden anyone with mine (if I ever get one) either, well behaved or not

Goddessoftheearth · 01/08/2025 20:20

TBH I have an ASBO spaniel (rehomed him!) and I wouldn’t want to bring him 😂

BotterMon · 01/08/2025 20:21

Such a shame she hasn't bothered to train her dog properly as I can take my Spaniel anyway and he'll lie quietly. She sounds a bit batshit actually and you're probably better off without her and her badly behaved poor dog.

InNewYorkNoShoes · 01/08/2025 20:32

He sounds like a sausage eating twat.

SP2024 · 01/08/2025 20:54

Could she keep the dog on a lead? I’m not one for disallowing family dogs at a family gathering really, they are part of the family and I think it’s important my kids get used to dogs safely. But if you’re worried about the food and the dog is not yet trained properly a lead might allow both to happen. It’s what I did with my puppy spaniel around kids before he was trusted not to jump up or lick them.

gotmyknickersinatwist · 01/08/2025 20:56

'Your dog might help to keep you calm, but his behaviour is causing stress/anxiety/annoyance for others. Do their feelings matter to you?'

I'm a dog lover, I have dogs, but even my own dog peeing on my carpet would piss me off.

And spaniels are mental.

Whatinthedoopla · 01/08/2025 20:59

I totally understand your side, perhaps you could say the dog can come if they are on a lead?

WorkerBee83 · 01/08/2025 21:08

I love and have dogs but I’m with you that if they aren’t trained then don’t have them around a hot bbq or young children. Stand your ground xx

Keyfob23 · 01/08/2025 21:10

YARBU:
response, I promise the toddlers will provide all the entertainment a therapy spaniel could! Hope you can join us, we’d really love to see you.

DarkMavis79 · 01/08/2025 21:11

Buzzingabout · 01/08/2025 18:11

You need to listen to your DH. This is his sister remember? Treat her well. I take your point but say she can bring him so as to avoid drama just as he said. If it starts behaving badly like last time just grin and bear it. I take it other family members on his side will be there too. If you ban him they will think you are being bitchy and if she does not come you are going to alienate yourself from her/his family and cause an atmosphere. She sounds a nightmare. Feel it is more her you would like to ban more than the dog. In-laws are usually a nightmare and SIL’s usually jealous. It’s not every day you have to put up with her so for the sake of family diplomacy grin and bear it.

Why do you think OP needs to be a complete and utter doormat, and why do you think everyone else’s feelings are important, but hers aren’t?

Also - from everything she’s said, this dog is a liability. If she just “grins and bears it”, as you suggest, it sounds like the dog will cause carnage. When the dog inevitably steals food, what do you expect OP to do? What if the dog hurts a child?

fataroundthemiddle · 01/08/2025 21:21

AshNice · 31/07/2025 11:24

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

Tell her to do one...

TitsInAbsentia · 01/08/2025 21:23

Totally yanbu. I LOVE dogs...properly adore them...but wouldn't want a twat dog visiting and am sick of people abusing the therapy and assistance dog tag...proper assistance dogs are incredibly well trained - even that ones that fail are amazing. Tell her that her therapy dog makes you need therapy!

Pinkdhalia · 01/08/2025 21:26

“Stick to your guns” outright dog can’t come. If she doesn’t like your house rules then she don’t come! Her mental health (?) isn’t your problem so she’s best not coming! Remind her the dog is unruly
and guests don’t want the distraction of guarding their food from her dog!

Trishthedish · 01/08/2025 21:28

This dog is not a therapy dog. Ignore her and keep to your boundaries. Excitable spaniels, food and toddlers is not a good mix.

MyLimeGuide · 01/08/2025 21:28

100% not unreasonable.

BluntLion · 01/08/2025 21:53

She sounds like a crap dog owner, enjoy your stress free BBQ 🙂

Mumtobabyhavoc · 01/08/2025 21:55

Whatinthedoopla · 01/08/2025 20:59

I totally understand your side, perhaps you could say the dog can come if they are on a lead?

How would that work going up for food, interacting with other guests, going to the loo, sitting at the table eating? The OP has stated the dog jumps. It would still be unruly and chaotic. The dog isn't suited for such settings as it is not trained and the DSiL is a CF. Bad combo.

Sennelier1 · 01/08/2025 22:07

One of our close friends was in a relationship with a very ...... oh well......lady. Once he asked (!) if he could come to dinner because he loved my cuisine so much and had missed it terribly since he was with said lady and please could he bring her along. The lady had a little dog of a brand I can't remember but it hardly looked like a dog and certainly didn't act like a healthy normal dog. And that dog supposedly could not be left home alone. So to make our friend happy I agreed on receiving both of them ánd the dog on condition the dog stayed on the floor and not on the couches/chairs (it always peed everywhere, excitement of course), the dog was not to be fed directly from the table/from my plates with my cutlery, the dog was not to "go" on a piece of cardboard/newspaper in my kitchen but outside in the garden ánd they had to pick up after said dog. As for the lady : she was forbidden to smoke in the house, yes even under the extractor hood, and she was also forbidden to go upstairs to take a nap on my bed. They never came. (They also have broken up but that has nothing to do with me. Honestly.)

Makingitupaswegoalong · 01/08/2025 22:09

She sounds rather high drama. How about:

“Sorry, it’s not possible to have Betsy after the incident with the sausages last time.”

All pet dogs are therapy dogs to some extent, because they show us affection and give purpose and meaning to life, and you basically can’t overestimate how much people love them and how some people take it personally when their dogs are not welcome. AND you can’t have an untrained dog running round with small kids.

honeyrider · 01/08/2025 22:22

YANBU I don't allow dogs in my home since I invited MIL for dinner and she brought SIL's Jack Russel who jumps on everyone and everything.

I wasn't happy because I'm a childminder and she arrived a bit earlier that expected and just before a parent was due to collect her baby.

While we were having dinner the dog went into my sitting room and shit on my dark brown rug which we didn't see until after MIL went home and DH stepped in it and walked it round the room. SIL thought it was funny but I had to buy a new rug so the dog is barred.

Tartantotty · 01/08/2025 22:43

Say sorry you wont see her, end of. Leave it at that. She sounds a nightmare.

RampantIvy · 01/08/2025 22:45

Tartantotty · 01/08/2025 22:43

Say sorry you wont see her, end of. Leave it at that. She sounds a nightmare.

She has.

RampantIvy · 01/08/2025 22:49

Buzzingabout · 01/08/2025 18:11

You need to listen to your DH. This is his sister remember? Treat her well. I take your point but say she can bring him so as to avoid drama just as he said. If it starts behaving badly like last time just grin and bear it. I take it other family members on his side will be there too. If you ban him they will think you are being bitchy and if she does not come you are going to alienate yourself from her/his family and cause an atmosphere. She sounds a nightmare. Feel it is more her you would like to ban more than the dog. In-laws are usually a nightmare and SIL’s usually jealous. It’s not every day you have to put up with her so for the sake of family diplomacy grin and bear it.

Can I suggest that you read all of the OP's posts before making unhelpful comments like this.

The dog steals the food
It sticks its nose into the trifle
It chases the toddlers
It pees on the carpets.

Are you OK if someone brings a dog who does that to your house? Or are you the sister?