To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

Same here. My 25yr autistic son is still terrified of dogs since a dog on the beach pushed into the sand, when he was 5yrs.
The owners said the dog was just playing with him.

My son has never recovered from the experience, for quite a few years he'd run into the road to avoid one.

Thankfully, he is starting to cope with dogs on leads at a fair distance from him.

But, he no longer likes going to parks anymore, because there are too many dogs.

Most dog owners are considerate but if it comes to 'love me - love my dog'
just say sorry - not my problem - you have a duty to your other guests and kids too

Do you honestly believe the dog will be kept on a lead for the duration? I’d say the odds of SIL following the rules are zero to nil. 😂

In Australia - the quarantine regulations would be such that animals from overseas would be separated from their owners for extended periods (although the regulations for quarantine of guide dogs and registered support/therapy animals may be different).

I would imagine that any unofficial “support animals” would be subject to the same quarantine rules that other pets are - which vary depending on the country they are arriving from.

I got my first dog after a divorce from a NPD,
he became my unofficial therapy dog. He was very calm and gentle, when people visited me he would raise his head from his sleep or resting position,
have a look at them,
then out his head back to its original position

Never did i insist that anyone should accept him or like him, i wouldn’t let him jump all over people in the park or hound them for food, which he tried often

When i was photographer at my friends wedding in Scotland i stayed at his home, i never asked if i could take me dog, i booked him in a local kennels with daily visiting rights.

I have a 520 acre Wetlands near where I live, dogs are not allowed in there, it’s a pain in the backside, but it is what it is.

Just because a person has a pet does not mean the whole world has to accept and love it, it’s your home / social gathering, so it’s your rules.

Your sister is being to self absorbed and precious.

I have 3 dogs and I totally agree with you!

Yanbu. Her decision not to come. Totally understand why you don't want her untrained pet dog to come in this instance and it's your house your rules.

If SIL is going to pull the victim card (i.e. saying you're disrespecting her), then I would respond very flatly that there would not be a problem in the first place if she trained the dog, and that she is actually the one being disrespectful by willfully refusing to understand. SIL's response is suspiciously unaware & completely insensitive to the chaos an untrained dog can cause. Be on your guard with that one. I have a step-daughter just like it. I wouldn't be surprised if your SIL launched a smear campaign (i.e. badmouthing when you're not around) against you with other family members after not getting her way.

A therapy dog should not be excitable. She should sit by the person, no matter what. This person is practically saying that if she is out in the street, her excitable therapy dog will run off to chase a cat, leaving her stranded. A therapy dog, like a wheelchair, is an extension of the person who uses them, s I would question whether this dog, indeed, is just a pet with a title it does not deserve.

Absolutely agree with this! Your mental health matters ESPECIALLY in your own home, she sounds self-absorbed and wallowing in her anxiety. I say that as someone medicated for my own extreme anxiety, it is an incredibly frustrating disorder to have but I would never expect my own mental health to be more important than anyone else's outside my own home.

Did she come @AshNice?

I,m a dog lover and recognise that my dog was a wonderful consolation when I lost my mother and was having a bad time, BUT she was not an emotional support dog. and I certainly didnt take her to places where it was not appropiate, like parties with food and small children or anywhere else where dogs werent welcomed. She was just a normal (well behaved) dog.

This idea of Emotional Support Dogs has become a complete nonsense. Medical support dogs are highly trained, very costly and do not misbehave in public. Emocional support dogs are only recognised in the US as far as I am aware and I am not clear what training and registration requirements there are for it being officially recognised. However having a doggy you like to take everywhere because it makes you feel better is NOT an emotional support dog, and this one is obviously nothing the kind as it is untrained.
So she will have to miss the party if she cant see common sense. I dont like dogs who are uncontrolled and steal food as visitors, especially when there are other people present. There is no reason for OP to put up with it either.

@AngelRoja there isn’t any legislation for an emotional support animal in the US. People literally buy a vest off of Amazon. However the law precludes people from being asked to prove the medical need for the animal so people over there are just bringing pets into places like Walmart with no recourse. It’s insane.

Equally I don't take my small child to events with dogs as he is not trusted with food or animals.

It is also very unfair for the minority of people who genuinly need them. Thank heavens they are not recognised in Europe or there would be thousands of entitled dog owners bringing them to places which are unsuitable and claiming damage to their mental health, lol

Your house, your rules! She should respect that.

Im an animal lover but if someone asked me not to bring my dog to a bbq then so be it.

To avoid an irredeemable falling-out, which could blight family gatherings for years to come, could you say pooch is welcome so long as she keeps it on a lead?

I’m a dog owner and YANBU. That’s not a therapy dog. She’s solved the problem
by saying she’s not coming so a “Sorry you can’t make it” type message is all you need to do.

How was the BBQ in the end @AshNice ….. anyone say anything? Did she turn up?

To the poster who called the dog a 'prop'. They are not props. Absolutely horrid way to describe them.

If he was an actual therapy dog he would be properly trained.

He’s a pet dog that the SIL thinks she’s found a loophole for.

He could be a 7 foot long Great Dane - still not a 'prop'.

Still not an actual therapy dog, which is what you said before you edited your previous post.

There is no such legal thing as an emotional support dog. Service dogs are highly traineras to alert people when their owners have medical problems, physical or mental. A dog who runs loose, jumps up at people and steals food is NOT a therapy dog. It's a badly trained pet.

People like this annoy me and when you do have a genuinaly trained therapy dog they try to ban it from shops because some other person has allowed there own named therapy dog to gamble.around the shop and destroy bits and pieces. This is not a therapy dog make it clear as a trained one would not act like this. I wouldn't have her around unless she turns up with a properly trained, registered dog.