To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

If your husband pushes uou to compromise then make him responsible for the dog any messes any stresses his problems to deal with

He will agree with you in future nothing focuses the mind more than inconvenience

I see you’ve gone with the ‘such a shame, see you next time’ route, which is what I would naturally want to do. However, a cleverer approach, so as not to be the bad guy, might have been to hand the problem over to DH seeing as he’s so damn keen to avoid drama.

Let me guess. He was planning on standing there burning a bit of meat while you do all the hard work which will in these circs involve all the hell which will break loose with this dog. So it’s role reversal time.

Or you could insist that the dog is kept on a lead and that it’s part of DH’s job to ensure that happens.

Caveat: this is if it’s his sister, or his brother’s wife.

Oh God. I feel for you. Some people take leave of their senses when they get a dog. I had someone in my life like that - they refused to leave their dog, ever. It was a gigantic pain in the arse. Also it's unfair on the dog, because they develop issues around separation anxiety if they are never left alone and given the opportunity to learn that their owner will return.

The person in my life was completely intractable. The only thing you can do is set a boundary and hold it. Don't give in to her emotional blackmail of her threatening not to come. Let her stay at home. Don't explain yourself or make a fuss, just say you're sorry to hear that and reiterate that she is welcome without the dog. Later, she'll hear fun stories about the party and be sorry that she missed it all because of her dog. She'll know you mean it in the future when you say no dogs, and I bet you won't have the issue again if you hold the line this time. And remember, don't explain, beyond that you don't want a dog there.

If she does do it again, effectively putting her need to take her dog everywhere above time with her family, then she's crazy and you will have to see her less, only at times you're OK with including the dog. And chalk it up to families be crazy.

But if she keeps missing family events because of the dog, I expect she'll come under pressure from other members not to be so inflexible about the dog.

Really, all you need to do is set the boundary and hold to it. And don't give long explanations beyond you not wanting the dog there, or get into long back and forths!

Dogs are everywhere these days! Can't escape them! Absolutely do not blame you, OP.

I’m not in UK, and here, our service/assistance dogs need to be trained, accredited and “uniformed” to be considered in the same category as guide dogs. If they are not, they are not permitted entry to any dog free spaces (which include shopping centres, cafes/restaurants, public buildings, hotels, public transport, etc).

would she still find it therapeutic if he knocked into the barbecue and knocked it over, as a guest I think she should be asking if you’re ok with her bringing her dog not assuming she can.

Your sister is effectively engaging in a fantasy. She doesn't have a therapy dog. She's just pretending she does for attention. That's very odd behavior for an adult and nobody should be encouraging it.

Me too!

Sorry but poorly trained dog, toddlers and food is a recipe for a child getting hurt (not necessary intentionally). Chasing small children? eating food off the table? hard no, husband may be underestimating the risk of a child getting accidentally bitten or knocked over. It does seem as if SIL like many people is confused about the difference between a therapy dog and a companion (in my country, New Zealand, initial training for autism support dogs for example is 6 months, then more training with the person/family they are going to support.) A dog can be a wonderful companion but it doesn't make them a therapy dog or a service dog. And even a companion dog needs to be well trained or naturally very calm and chill to participate in a high stimulus situation like this (or left at home).

This. With a link to some dog training classes near her!!! And info on how she can access local therapy herself too.

You have the right to ask the dog not to come in this instance, it’s your house, your gathering, your rules.

Maybe drumming the point across that if she wants the dog to always be able to come, it needs to learn some manners, and how to behave, like a therapy/guide dog, or keep it under control, on lead, restricted movement, which is her job to do. Otherwise, there will be times it is not welcome.

It’s her choice to come without it or to sit this one out.

If DH is really worried, is there a compromise on her agreeing to it being restricted on its movement? You can get steaks that you anchor into the ground and they are tied up to that. Without some sort of measure in place, it should be a no. Stick to your guns.

I feel if you let this one slide completely, you’re setting yourself up for the future.

Can she be a bit of a self centred drama queen anyway? She sounds like she has that potential…

This too. (Read OP’s update)

If she’s abusing the ‘therapy dog’ accessibility with a dog that badly behaved, she’s going to ruin it for those with genuine need. She just doesn’t want to have to deal with the inconvenience or the dogs behaviour if leaving him at home or outside a shop.

Absolutely CF territory!!

Well done, OP, sounds like you handled that well! Hope DH understood and respected it. He must know his sister is a pain?!

Exactly. Well said.

And well done, and good luck to your boy!!

Where is that? And how would you deal with visitoirs from countries which do not require that?

Don't worry about it. Your party, your rules. She obviously couldn't care less about the dogs behaviour.

i miss the good old days when everyone just left their dogs at home for a few hours. Now they’re taken everywhere and it’s being normalised to take dog to other people’s homes.

You’re not being unreasonable. If her dog cannot behave then that’s on her. She either comes without the dog or doesn’t come at all.

I love dogs , I am a dog owner / have had dogs for years .
I like taking our current dog out and about with us to more dog friendly places where we can have a coffee and sit outside after a walk with him .
I don’t take him shopping or to John Lewis 🙄 even though that’s allowed .
I have taken him into a small shoe shop because we noticed they had a sale , he’s allowed in the shop , + we knew he’d sit there very quietly ( in fact staff remarked how good he was )
Never ever would I think of taking my dog to a family BBQ at someone else’s home 😂 even my calm elderly dog would beg for sausages .

This dog sounds badly behaved and needs extensive training .
A compromise could be that she takes her dog a really long walk first then comes and crates him in another room while food is being cooked and served .
the rest of the time he needs to be on a lead

I would imagine they would look up the regulations before travelling to that poster's country.

Im with you on this,I've got a cocker spaniel 9 years beautiful dog she is,loves kids but a nightmare around kids and food and people,very jumpy upy and wants the food and attention,so unless this dog was registered which it's not id be like you saying no and we will catch up another time..God sakes surely she understands how high maintenance after the last get together her dog is..nah stand your ground in this 100%

I sympathise with you OP. My brother and SIL have a dog (thankfully they don't claim it's a therapy dog) that goes everywhere with them. Which would be fine but they haven't bothered to train it. Dog barks constantly, tries to eat of others plates. Worse thing is he snaps at DS.
He's done this twice and it means we don't see them anymore.
I will not visit them or other family if they are there as I will not put my son at risk. SIL says it's not the dogs fault. It's because DS has additional needs and the dog can sense it. So I don't find it too much of a loss we don't see them. Brother says the dog is better now but other family don't seem to agree.
I'd say to DH SIL has already said she's not coming so that's the end of it. I do like dogs but hate irresponsible owners.

Its absolutely not a therapy dog. But to be honest, id rather have a dog than the toddlers 😂

What a bloody snowflake.
I love dogs and am a dog owner myself, but you are WELL within your rights to ask her not to bring him!
YANBU.

I think that sometimes people don't want to leave their dog at home alone because it's noisy and/or destructive when they do. A lot of dogs, if not most, hate being left by themselves and some will annoy the neighbours howling and barking, while others tear up the sofa. Some shit and piss in the house.

On balance I think it would be preferable for people to be honest about why the dog comes along to everything.

Don’t stress over her with this, just message saying something like ‘ok, sorry to hear you won’t be attending, see you again soon’, she sounds like a bit of a narcissist so don’t give her that power, nip it on the bud now so it saves having to deal with her & her dog again! Maybe it will give her the nudge she clearly needs to train Her dog! They are a very trainable breed so no excuse not to do it!

Good for you. You’ll be doing her a favour in the long run. Therapy dog who causes havoc. Nah.