To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

I'd reply that she is disrespecting your mental health by expecting you to run around checking toddlers are safe and the human food isn't being eaten (again), whilst you're hosting a bbq, which is going to make it much more stressful for you. Maybe compromise and say the dog is welcome if it stays on a lead with her at all times.

I'd also tell my husband that giving into ridiculous demands just to keep the peace, just encourages more outrageous behaviour

As someone who has a service dog I am insensed by untrained "therapy dogs" which damage those of us who have real service animals.

That said, you commented that the dog is "not officially trained or registered" There is no register, and nor is there any prescribed "official training". Seeing dogs, but only those trained by RNIB, are registered with RNIB; and there are a small number of charities /organisations that train or support self-training. But the demand is huge and all of them together cannot meet this demand. I point this out because people and businesses are often entirely misinformed on this matter, and it does get wearing at times that I have to bookmark the law on my phone when told my dog can only go somewhere if he is on a register that doesn't exist! Most recently I was told by the proprieter of a restaurant that I couldn't come in with my service dog in case their other customers didn't like it. He did back down when I showed him the law, said if they didn't like it they could leave, and made it clear that I would report them if they refused to allow us to come in. Oddly, not a single customer had a problem, and several showed an active interest in his job.

But beyond that I am with you - she leaves the untrained dog at home.

I agree you need to tread carefully if it's DH's sister, no point creating potential family rifts.

I would say to her that "you are willing to compromise, and the dog can come, but he has to stay on a lead under her control. You are trying to manage the needs of your children too. Hope this is a good compromise for you too, as we are looking forward to seeing you on Saturday"

I addition, I would be saying to DH that it's his sister (assuming it is) and he needs to keep on top of this on the day and ensure that this goes well, otherwise it WILL be the one and only time you offer to compromise.

"She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded."
I'd probably respond that it's a pity she feels that way but as she has not yet trained her dog, the dog is simply not safe at a BBQ, and you hope she will reconsider coming.

And leave it there, no offer of compromise, no pleading for her to come.

What a tit.
People like her are the reason us dog owners get a bad name (I have a nutty dog and part of his behaviour management is keeping him away from situations where he might cause disruption and upset others). People like her are also the reason why genuine mental health issues are often ignored and met with rolling eyes.
”Sorry you can’t make it, hope to see you soon 👋” is enough.

It’s difficult if DH wants to allow the dog, it’s his home too. Could you offer a compromise? She brings the dog but it stays on a short lead in the garden so it can’t chase the children and is tied up away from where the main food is served? She can hook the dogs lead around the chair leg of the chair she’s sitting in so as a therapy dog, it’s close to her. If this isn’t ok then you understand she won’t make it this time, and you’ll arrange to see her another time.

If you want to throw in a grenade reply "i don't have an issue with mental health problems. I do have an issue with untrained dogs being passed off as therapy dogs. After the poor behaviour at the last BBQ, it would be way too stressful for me to keep an eye on the food, my toddler and your dog. So it's best if your dog stays home. If that means you feel you can't come, I'm sorry, that's not my intention and it will be a shame not to see you."

And me. Sick and tired of dogs and doggy people running roughshod over everyone else's enjoyment.

Spaniels and food. Enough said! 😄

I've got an excitable dog myself, he's lovely, but i wouldn't take him to a bbq with small children. I'd want to relax and have a nice time myself without having to monitor the dog.

@PhilippaGeorgiou this is very interesting, I did not know this.

What in your opinion is the difference between a trained service dog and an untrained therapy dog?

Is it quite subjective? If no official type of training, is there a way of describing a particular type of training? Maybe specialist training for the purpose? I’m just wondering what you would say to the OP’s SIL, as she might say she thinks her dog is trained.

I hate badly trained dogs and wouldn't want him in my garden if there was food around, either.

Just say, "Oh OK, see you another time" - I bet she will turn up without him.

she cant be arsed to find someone to look after the dog/let it out for wee etc whilst she is out at the BBQ and doesnt want the hassle of going back home to sort it herself.

She’s being a dick. I have quite severe anxiety so am the last person to dismiss it, but it doesn’t give you carte blanche to ignore other people or cause them stress (like having to keep a misbehaving dog off the food and away from the toddlers). A dog chasing toddlers? Completely unacceptable.

I’d be willing to compromise if she agreed to it being kept on a short lead, but she sounds like the kind of owner who would complain that that was against the dog’s rights or some other bullshit.

I am a huge dog lover and would genuinely love friends and family to bring their dogs round when they visit. But it’s totally not acceptable for a dog to jump up on the table, eat food off plates or be uncontrollable around small children. Someone is being massively unreasonable … but it’s not you!

Dog lover here. I absolutely agree with not having an unruly dog at a barbecue. When i had dogs myself, other people's dogs were never welcome in my house and garden because my own dogs would not have liked it. BUT just to point out that in the UK, there is no official training or registration for therapy dogs....not even guide dogs or hearing dogs....the major charities who supply them are generally recognised and have cornered the market so to speak but anyone can call their dog a guide dog, hearing dog or therapy dog.

This sounds very familiar with my SIL....

Just when you think you've heard it all! Your SIL is nuts - what is wrong with people? The dog also sounds dreadful and obviously that's because she hasn't trained it! Jumping on tables and eating food is horrible and she just laughed?

I agree with pps and would send a 'sorry you can't come, perhaps see you soon' message. Life is way too short to pander to people like this. Unbelievable!

I’m the owner of a well behaved tiny dog who I would absolutely never expect to take to a family BBQ. Your SIL is massively out of order with her attitude, her “mental health” does not justify ruining things for everyone else. Just say no. She will soon discover that her mental health is just fine without the dog when it suits her to go somewhere without it.

If you’re feeling generous you could say that her dog will be welcome at future events once it has been appropriately trained.

YANBU. I loathe badly trained/untrained dogs.
On top of that the deception practised by people who claim that their pet is a service dog/therapy dog/support dog is making life more difficult for those who actually need to be able to take their highly trained, registered assistance dog (e.g. guide dog, epilepsy alert dog) into public venues.

I know I’m not who you asked, but a service dog is trained in specific tasks that help with the person’s disability. That is what is protected in law in terms of access to shops etc.

A dog that helps someone feel better/calmer through their general presence is not trained in specific disability related tasks.

My SIL never lets me take my dog to their house. I accept it’s her house, her rules. If I have to leave early for the dog then I do. When she comes to mine she puts up with the dog. We just don’t make an issue of it.

I find my dog being a bit of a dick (as he can be sometimes) totally anxiety inducing. I cannot see how her untrained dog doesn't have the opposite effect on her mental health to be honest.

I would go for the compromise of dog stays on lead or doesn't come at all. Toddlers' needs trump those of a dog/entitled owner any day.

The sister is not being excluded but her badly behaved do is.

I love dogs and have owned and cared for dogs most of my life. Your SIL sounds like she's developed an attachment and projection issue with her dog - substitute human companion.

Therapy Dogs are highly specialised, well trained dogs for multitude of issues, including MH ones, but you obtain these dogs via the official routes and organisations. You have to meet a standard requirement.

Purchasing any old dog, getting emotional comfort from it may be therapeutic but it's not therapy, nor is it a therapy dog.

Spaniels are working dog breeds, designed for hunting- seek, retrieve. They are wholey unsuitable as an actual therapy dog.

Furthermore, they require suitable stimulation for the purpose for which they were bred.

Your SIL is the one being disrespectful, abd giving dogs and responsible dog owners a bad name by nor training this dog of hers to be better socialised.

It's unacceptable, and I never took my dog's to anything whereby I knew they'd be an inconvenience to others. Mine were very well trained and socialised by enlarge. Better than most children!

I'd just reply to your SIL with a "I'm sorry you feel that's the case. That was not my intention, but any dog at such an event needs to be better trained and socialised for the comfort of others. Sorry we won't be seeing you this time. Hopefully next time."

And then maybe send her a link to Counselling Directory so she can get some actual therapy.