To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

Tell her that you're sorry she feels she cannot attend without the dog, but you are very anxious, yourself - about an excitable dog being around the toddlers and food - especially after what happened previously. Get other family members to back you on this so you're not the only "bad guy". I'd suggest she get a professional dog trainer to help her with the dog's behaviour.
I love my dog, but don't inflict him on others, especially toddlers.

I would imagine not.I have travelled all over the world with mine and never had an issue. And if a country is so clued up that they have such a system, then they must have the ability to adapt for travellers.

Edited to say that interestingly the internet suggests that France runs such a scheme. I go to France yearly and have never once been asked for any documentation for my service dog other than his passport. The same applies to both Sweden and New Zealand - again both we have trvalled to and the only documentation asked for has been his passport.

Dogs can be a brilliant therapeutic companion - but the point is they need to be socialised, well trained and well controlled.

You could explain to her that you'd welcome the dog - once she's invested in his training, so his behaviour doesn't impact on others. Stealing food and getting around children are issues that must be addressed and you're not prepared to risk it again in your home.

This is a good article - it's American but has relevant points you could quote
https://vetexplainspets.com/how-to-train-your-dog-to-be-a-therapy-dog/#

This absolutely. You’re not being unreasonable to not have a bouncy, badly behaved dog at an event in your home, and if she feels she can’t go anywhere without it then that’s her decision to make. My experience is that people with badly behaved dogs are bad owners, and unlikely to take feedback or criticism anyway, so keeping it simple is the best solution.

So it's alright for thr dog to do it at others people's houses for them to have clean up the mess?

If you dont want mess or trouble from a dog dont get a dog it's not rocket

I didn't say that.

I know this is a long thread, but I wish people would read the OP's updates. This is turning into cancel the cheque territory.

The OP posted

AshNice · 31/07/2025 12:48

I ended up texting her something simple like “Sorry we won’t see you this time - hope to catch up soon,” and just left it there.

Agree. Dogs aren't allowed into my house or garden. People who can't respect that, don't come. I might make an exception for an actual, properly trained assistance dog but the situation has not arisen.

Or for dog owners to put the effort in and train their dogs.

Your husband needs to back you up otherwise he going to make you look the bad person to the family. Playing the mental health card manipulative on her part just ignore her. And that's gross allowing a dog to jump up and steal food she needs to train the dog quickly.
Just ignore her messages It's your event and that's that.

This. People who really are anxious would have the dog trained and official. And would also be extremely anxious about upsetting others! Not this attention seeking nonsense. Let her not come; that way you’re not enabling her behaviour. If she really wants to be there, she’ll turn up minus the dog.

YANBU. I like dogs myself and spaniels are my favourite, but like any dog they need training, and until the dog is trained to a level where they can be at a family BBQ without jumping on everyone and eating off the plates, then your SIL should not be bringing the dog there. Any sensible and respectful dog owner understands this.

She sounds very similar to someone I know who has a “therapy dog” (which is also not an official therapy dog). She has self-diagnosed “mental health” issues, is very self-absorbed, and everyone agrees is a narcissist. You can’t really reason with people like that, so just respectfully and politely maintain your boundaries. It’s your house.

She laid the boat and you ate it up, she didn’t want to come as she don’t like you.

Proper assistance dogs are trained to an inch of their lives.

I love dogs and don't go to family events because I don't want mine distressed but I'm with you on this one.

With you all the way, OP.

I have a very unruly Labrador puppy who is very excitable and is in training. We do not take her to my siblings’ houses for parties, although she is welcome, because she would be disruptive. Any good dog owner would not bring a poorly-behaved dog to a party.

My FIL did this too when I wouldn’t invite his terribly behaved Lab to my husbands birthday party at our house despite half the household being allergic to dogs. So he said said he wouldn’t come and I said fine 🤣 poor MIL had to rock up by herself not her fault though!

Yep. Your 'd'h is an arse with the DH did try the whole “can’t you just compromise?” angle last night, but I pointed out that we did try that before - and it resulted in the dog nicking a cheeseburger and sticking his head in the trifle. So no, I think I’m done compromising
He'd rather his sister's badly behaved dog was loose around his toddlers than his whinge bag of a self important sister was challenged?
Not dogs fault but has he seen child injuries from dog bites?

You can train spaniels? Never witnessed it personally.

@AshNice how did today go?

I know you’ve had plenty of replies but I had to jump in…

I have a relative like this and the dog absolutely does not help with the mental health issues. Not being able to go anywhere without your dog (when you did previously before getting the dog) isn’t an upgrade in your mental health. If someone was housebound but then got a trained and registered therapy dog and now they can go to hair appointments and Pilates then that’s fantastic. That doesn’t sound like that is the case here.

I have a dog and a toddler. I worked in animal rescue for 10 years training dogs. My dog is impeccably behaved. When we have a BBQ in our garden our dog is still locked away inside. No toddler, dog and food (and distracted adults trying to enjoy a family gathering) in the same area. Ever. No matter how well trained.

I have seen the “dog bit the child out of nowhere with no warning” situation in my previous line of work so many times and 100% of the time the situation could have been avoided.its never out of nowhere, there’s always warning and the situation could always have been avoided by not having the small kids and dog together.

I'd say that the dog is more than welcome to come when it's finished it's training and behaves like a therapy dog. For example, it's not trying to snaffle food, get into bins and responds to appropriate commands such as sit, stay, lie down, heel etc

Yanbu you’re sil is being ridiculous and she’s using her “mental health” to get her own way like an entitled child!
I love all animals but not everyone does and even avid pet lovers don’t want an unruly dog ruining a BBQ!
its very stressful for all when you mix kids, food and an untrained dog, tell her the dog is welcome when he’s appropriately trained and able to blend in like the human guests at a BBQ!

Anxiety?!
Who has anxiety, SIL or the dog, can’t be both, as having an anxious therapy dog makes no sense at all, or was it SIL that peed on the rug?!