To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

Just text her sorry you won't see her this time. Hope to see her soon....

Cool she's solved the problem for you by saying she's not coming. Just say you'll catch up at another time and don't give the situation any more attention, people like this love the drama.

“Aw that’s a shame it would have been lovely to see you”

done.

I’m with you on this, 3 toddlers, bbq, food laid out, badly behaved, untrained dog… nah. As above I’d say to her “ok, see you another time then.”

YANBU. I think she lost any sympathy when she tried the “disrespecting mental health card”. If she doesn’t want to come without the dog, that’s fine. Suggest we takes the dog to training classes and once it becomes better trained/behaved, it will be welcome but not until then. Part of being a good dog owner is being a responsible and considerate one and it seems she isn’t. No doubt that’s due to her mental health too. 😜

“So sorry, it’s difficult managing conflicting needs, with the toddlers etc. we’ll see you at next summer’s BBQ when he has learned not to be a sausage monster xx”

She has anxiety? Fine… but the way she carries on puts a huge burden on others. If she wants a ‘therapy dog’ it needs to be trained and behave like a service dog.

She's taking the p* with calling this dog a therapy dog when it's not actually trained to be quiet, sit and look angelic etc.
My dog bless his soul who had springer in his mix could smell migraines 12 hours before I got symptoms. I could - theoretically - say he is my medical alert dog and must come everywhere etc. I didn't do. While he was capable of being bouncy and doolally dip, he also knew his manners. If it was appropriate, he would come along. If not, he stayed at home.
Stand firm and make it clear that it's the dog's behaviour that is the issue. If he can settle down then he'll be welcome - without needing a therapy dog label.

It's certainly not alright for the dog to be allowed to chase children and steal food. At the very least the dog should be kept under control.
I would suggest a compromise whereby the dog comes but is kept on a lead. Too bad if SIL can't agree - your house, your rules.

Here to vocalise my support for Zero Tolerance for Shit Dog Owners

Is it your dh’s sister or your brothers wife? If your dh thinks you’re being rigid and it’s his sister I think you should let her come but send her a message saying you expect the dog to be on a short lead at all times and away from food. Maybe if her dog impacts on her day suddenly taking it everywhere may not be as attractive.

I think you have to be careful excluding your husbands sister when he doesn’t think
you should, regardless of that fact you’re not being unreasonable in not wanting this at your bbq.

Spaniels need a lot of training and a clear outlet for energy or they can get really naughty/mischievous. It sounds like she's not doing enough with hers and hasn't trained it properly which is a shame because they're really biddable dogs who are eager to please. I would also worry about a spaniel bounding about around toddlers- they might not be remotely aggressive but it's easy for them to knock a child over if they aren't careful.

Your sil needs to train her dog properly is the key issue here if she wants it to be welcome wherever she goes. And even then without proper registration as a service animal places and people will still be entitled to decline her.

She sounds quite full on and absorbed herself to be honest if she can't see why someone wouldn't want her dog at a party when it behaves in that way.

You're not being unreasonable but is there any compromise like dog needs to stay on a short lead or dog can stay in the garage or anything?

Can she just keep it on a lead or tethered next to her, or even crated so it can't steal food or knock over children?

Could dh manage her and the dog? Just with her being SIL and him not seeing the problem it can come across as though you don't care about your in-laws

At the same time, I agree with the pp who mentioned you need to be careful as this is your dh family. Can he not have a word with her about the dogs previous behaviour and set expectations that way?

Nope. She’s so ‘anxious’ that she doesn’t give a shit about upsetting other people with her unruly dog and guilt tripping you… I call attention seeking bullshit. Don’t pander to it.

Would she agree to keeping it on a lead? If not, then at least you've offered a compromise.

Fwiw, my autistic dd would find it hugely anxiety-inducing to have a dog running around uncontrolled. Not much 'therapy' for her in dogs, unfortunately. She hates the way they smell, hates being licked, finds them way too unpredictable and bouncy. She was also bitten by one whe she was just 3, which has stayed with her.

She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I would just be grateful she’s not coming. Text back. ‘You are welcome but dogs are not invited. Thanks for me letting me know you won’t be able to make it. Hope to see you soon.’

I couldn't be arsed with that either. Disgusting it's jumping on tables and going through a bin. Yuk.

It's not a therapy dog, it's a badly behaved pet with a CF owner.
Make your DH is responsible for managing the situation if he wants her to come.

A colleagues dog stole a sweetcorn once. Sadly the inner part got stuck in their colon. Dog had surgery. Never right after that and died shortly after.

So I dont like dogs round food much either. I still let the family with dogs come but it really annoys me that if I drop a piece of food and a dog snaffles it I am then responsible for either trying to wrestle it off it or potentially causing illness of said dog.

And it happens often. Last week was stolen grapes.

In the interests of avoiding a mega falling out I would suggest a compromise, dog on lead and something long and chewy to keep him distracted like a Himalayan yak chew, they keep my guys busy for hours and are available in Tesco or B&M.

I'm with you, OP. It irritates me no end that people these days can't seem to go anywhere without their dogs, including into clothing stores, formal dining areas and other places they shouldn't be.

The 'mental health' excuse is risible. If she can't manage without her prop for a few hours, I'd be taking her refusal as a gift. Then again I have little patience with namby-pambyism (there's a difference, before people jump on the ableist wagon. I do know what poor mental health feels like, and also that I have a responsibility to manage it without making it everyone else's problem).

YANBU.

Ah well, tough luck.
She will be missed. 😅