To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

Dog sounds like an absolute menace. Don’t allow the drama, it’s just not coming. Bit concerned at your Dh (is it his ds?) saying just allow it, you’ll be just constantly anxious about the dog being naughty.

We had a family barbecue, my bil brought his springer, our 2 were also there. All 3 managed to stay on the floor, none of them tried to steal food. To be fair, they weren’t very young, all over 2, but it’s basic training not to allow jumping up/getting on a table. Therapy dog, my arse!

YANBU. It's not an assistance dog.

You don't have to have a dog in your home if you don't want to.

You are not being unreasonable. I have a lively dog, who has been invited to family get together, she was hard work, and into everything. I had to keep her on a lead a lot. She wasn't the only dog, but the youngest, the oldest family dog put her in her place a couple of times😅.

In the same sense I have a family member who has requested that we don't bring her to their house, they allowed my BILs older quieter dog to visit, I have to respect their wishes, their house their rules.

Yes this is where we are now. People got dogs when they were at home a lot, went back to the office and dogs have terrible separation anxiety because they were badly trained so they bring them everywhere they go.

It makes me think of how young people now can't imagine that people smoked at their desk at work or on trains and in cafes, people can't fathom that you can't bring a dog into a supermarket or restaurant or somebody else's house. It's nuts.

My friend has a therapy dog and you wouldn’t know there was a dog there most of the time. He is lies down by her side and certainly doesn’t bark, steal food or run riot and he is welcomed everywhere with her. I have a rather needy dog who I prefer to take places (always ask and yes do leave behind sometimes!) but he’s on a short lead and will lie under my chair snoozing for hours.
Your SIL’s dog might make her feel better but it’s not a proper therapy dog and clearly needs training. I’d pass over to DH to manage - say she can come with dog if he’s under control at all times. If that means she needs to take him for a big walk beforehand, bring a tasty bone & keep him on on a short lead then so be it. And if he starts playing up it’s down to DH to tell her it’s time to go for a walk or take dog home.

I would just remind her of the incident where the dog ate the sausages and say "sorry I don't want a repeat of that and its a shame that means you wont make it. We'll catch up another time"
If she takes offense at that - that's on her not you.

She's taking the mick
It's not an assistance dog with rights, that would be well trained. Explain she's welcome without the dog but if she chooses not to come, that's fine too. Be firm with this

Sitting in your own shady garden with a calm elderly dog sounds very pleasant for the person and the dog. I can see how that would be great for my mental health.

Having to go around with an out of control dog negotiating your way into places where it might be unwelcome sounds about as anxiety inducing as it gets.

There seems to be a “boom” in untrained so-called therapy dogs of late. I have a feeling it is a means to be allowed to take your dog everywhere.

I love dogs… I’ve had them all my life, I say hello to dogs who wander over for a stroke. I am about to get another dog after losing mine to cancer in June. I am Team Dog 100%.

However… the situation you describe is ridiculous. You say the dog is not trained as a therapy dog ( so it’s ’a dog’) like any other. It’s a spaniel, which are usually bouncy zoomy bundles of furry fun. There will be children, a barbecue, human food laid out, people milling round etc…
And she thinks you’re the problem…??

I was in a cafe having lunch on Monday.. it had a dog friendly area. However the 3 dogs there decided to start a fight…lots of barking, howling, chairs clattering around. Not ideal particularly as the dog area was quite small.

Nobody moved, so this just continued. None of the owners thought their dog was the problem. Presumably your SiL thinks the same way. Entitled and selfish.
I agree with PPs saying just tell her “oh that’s a shame, see you soon” and crack on without her.

Could you ask your DH why the person causing the drama gets to do whatever they want to the detriment of everyone else?

Badly behaved dogs are anxiety inducing not calming.

@AshNice YANBU OP. I LOVE dogs, but not badly behaved ones - and they're only badly behaved because of their owners! Spaniels can be particularly lively but, as with any dog, it just needs to be trained. Perhaps you could point this out to your DSis? (Like too many dog owners, she's probably too lazy to bother.) I would reply to her message that her dog would absolutely be welcome at your home in the future if she trains it to behave appropriately and that it's her responsibility to do so. (Crikey, I'd be mortified if my dog jumped on a table and started eating the food! 😱 )

I hate irresponsible dog owners. My spaniel would be on a lead or lying down by my feet in situations like this.
Also, what use is a "therapy dog" if its running around away from her? Surely it'd be the same as being at home.

i can imagine her saying she will do this and then just not doing and at that point you’d be asking her to leave with the dog. Which would be more drama than anyone needs.

my mum has a dog she’s not trained. She prefers the dog to me (fair enough) and her grandchild (not fair enough) and last time she brought it round I ended up leaving the room as it was jumping up and I had to remove myself before I said something unhelpful.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama

What about the drama that will be caused by her out of control dog being there. is he not bothered about that? Let me guess it won't be your dh stopping the dog eating the food, harrassing the children or telling his sister to get the dog under control that will be down to you and everyone else bar him.

Absolutely stick to your guns on not having the dog there it will make the whole event stressful and as far removed from a relaxing afternoon for everyone else it is possible to be. If SIL refuses to come without the dog then that is her choice.

The dog is out of control it won't end well it could kill or bite the toddlers. Not safe

Well it is a bit of a grey area, but the law does distinguish in a sense - service dogs are allowed access, but therapy dogs are not! And that is whether trained or not. Most people do not recognise that therapy dogs are not covered by the law. It is perhaps a matter of opinion as to whether they should be...

But I think the really obvious answer is "trained" and "behaved". Training for a service dog is defined by what support the offer their companion. A seeing dog does a different job than a hearing dog, a PTSD dog does different things from either of them but is not the same as a dog trained to support a mobilising disability. What they share in common is their standard of behaviour. Friendly and calm but not focussed on anyone other than their companion, minimally reactive (some level of reactivity is required for certain types of dogs - mine, for example, can tell if anyone is upset or distressed; and he "reads" the moods of other animals very well) - buit basically all you should see is a well-behaved dog. Mine has scared the hell out of waiters at times because they forget he's there under the table!

I think it is about time that there was a register, but I think the task has got out of hand and nobody wants to tackle it. In some parts of the USA they have a "doggy driving test" which gets around this - basically they test a trained dog for its behaviour in public places, and if it passes it is allowed access. This gets away from focussing on "service / therapy" which is very subjective, and looks at public behaviour. This would also help those of us who have access needs for our service animals - for example I cannot fly with BA because they will not allow anything other than "guide dogs" (which is actually against the law) but Virgin are happy to accommodate. That said I can't be arsed arguing with BA since they are a rubbish airline and totally expensive.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

Your not causing drama, his Dsis is.

It's perfectly reasonable to not want a dog at a gathering with food when that dog has previously been a menace and its owner doesn't control it.

If he's not happy with drama, tell him to take his issue up with her.

Is is spine usually this weak, or does he just not care because all of the work for the party and the caring for the kids and the dog drama will fall on you while he just sits back and has a few beers?

"Sorry to hear. Unfortunately the dog isn't welcome this time. Another time maybe if that means you can't make it!"

This.

Some dog owners are so entitled and can’t understand why others may not want to be in the company of their dog. I’m sorry, but not everyone likes dogs, some people have bad experiences with them and you should absolutely not have to make excuses or apologise not wanting a manic dog at a family BBQ with kids around.

No dog doesn't come. If SIL decides not to ;come without the dog that's her choice. SIL would be 100% FINE at the BBQ without the dog. How do I know? Because I know MANY pets, actual pets, who are better trained than SILs "therapy dog". If someone actually needed a therapy dog with them at events like this, the first thing they'd do is train it to at least well trained pet level. If she doesn't think it's worth spending time/energy/money doing that, then she KNOWS it's just a pet and she doesn't EVER NEED it with her.

I'm with you OP. I won't let anyone bring a dog to my house (or even into my garden!) and fortunately friends and family respect that.

That said, non have them have used the therapy dog excuse - yet!

Stand your ground, you're in the right here.

Thing is the dog isn't SILs prescribed therapy dog

Its a dog which she loves having around her

There's a massive difference

I think you have a DH problem. If he doesn't have the balls to take your side....well....🤷

« Ah that’s a shame. Hope to see you soon! »

How utterly ridiculous.
If she can't come without the dog then she's not coming then. Tell her it's not an assistance or guide dog, just a regular pet she's attached to.

Some people there are allergic so she'll just have to miss out this time then. Then keep saying someone is allergic each time she wants to bring it again inappropriately.

I love dogs but it's up to you, it's your house, and you're entitled to ask her not to bring the dog and she should respect that. I would fully understand if someone asked me not to bring my naughty terrier along 🤣🤣