To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

This.

One of my SILs announced she was coming over to stay with us, and was bringing her untrained, reactive, Romanian rescue dog. We have a house full of cats and a garden full of chooks. Nopity nope SIL.

Agree with this and similar comments.
I doubt a properly trained therapy dog would behave like this.
If wanted, you could arrange to meet up with her another time?

Indeed. That old RSPCA advert "A dog isn't just for Christmas" could have been reworked as "A dog isn't just for lockdown" - sadly that ship has sailed so we now have a lot of untrained, unsocialised dogs with owners who are still clueless about how to train and handle them, plus over-flowing rescue centres where many people just got rid of them when they had to return to the office as they couldn't cope with what their dogs got up to when left alone at home all day. 🙄

Agree with this too.

First post nails it

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health”

She is the one disrespecting mental health. Let her say how with her pet if it’s that important to her.

Explain how you’ve told us. There are no other dogs there and the dog’s behaviour makes a bbq challenging especially wifh young children. All true and logical.

I have anxiety around dogs, I'm afraid of them but also I don't like them coming into physical contact with me. I think it's to do with my autism and it's kind of an OCD thing where I just find dogs unhygienic. I'm sure I'm not alone. Your SIL is being incredibly selfish.

So last time this 'therapy' dog visited you it stuck its nose into a nappy bin and jumped on the table and stuck it's nose into the sausages, how delightful!

The dog is untrained, it's not a therapy dog, it's her out of control pet dog and there's absolutely no way she should be inflicting this on dog's behaviour on anyone.

She very well might gain comfort from having him nearby when she goes out and about and if that's the case she needs to get him trained so he'll know how to behave.

Until that happens she either has to leave him at home, and stay at home with him, or keep him on a very short lead when he's around other people and/or food.

Just uninvite her

This. Problem solved.

This. We are a totally dog free house. Our sons both have dogs. Sons are very welcome , dogs absolutely not. One has crate trained his dog and it goes in there when they are out , the other dog can be happily left for the 3 hours or so the humans would be here for a family do. They both have cameras so can check on their dogs regularly. Eldest son has no children yet so their dog is their baybeeeee at the moment. He wasn't happy about no dogs but then had other sons dog at his house for an hour of 'socialisation' when their dog was a puppy. Other son's dog is a barker. He had warned his neighbours it might be loud for a bit.It was horrendous. The experience hasn't been repeated and he phoned me afterwards to apologise. We have always been fair. If we have his dog we'd have had to have the other dog. Not a chance. He understands why now. Set boundaries and stick to them. Dogs around food is foul.

I would say - you’re very much welcome to come and I don’t want you to feel excluded. It’s just that last time the dog was quite disruptive (give specific example re eating human food). It’s important to me that you still come, as a compromise can we keep the dog on a lead, and also away from the food.

Or similar.
I think this firmly places the responsibility on her to manage her therapy dog & mental health & anything else she needs to manage.

I don’t know, I do kind of think a family BBQ in the garden should theoretically be a place where dogs are welcome if they’re welcome anywhere. It’s not crazy of her to think she could bring her dog to this. And can be hard to leave them for long. So I do get why your DH thinks you’re being too rigid over this.

But totally get the stress if it’s poorly trained and poorly behaved especially with young kids around. And she does sound rather overdramatic about it all for sure (and I hate when people refer to their pets as “therapy animals”, it’s not actually a thing in the U.K., people just say it because they want to bring their dog everywhere).

I’d offer the compromise of the dog can come but she must keep it on a short leash at all times and be responsible for its behaviour, or it can be shut up in the kitchen/garage/enclosed yard/whatever separate from the BBQ space. If she won’t allow that and can’t see the issue then I think it’s very reasonable to say “ok then you are most welcome but not the dog this time sorry” and if she chooses not to come it’s her own lookout.

Oh the dog thing is ridiculous.
A family member of mine has to bring their dog to everything, it becomes the focus because it's constantly running between people, looking for food, wanting to be involved. Last year, at a family birthday meal, we asked to put it in the garden whilst we ate and you'd think we'd asked for it to be shut in a hot car. The poor thing would be sad, it's not fair for him to sit outside whilst we eat, etc. In the end my SIL took her food outside to sit with the dog.

I don't tote my cats along everywhere, expecting adaptations to be made for them, and everyone to fit around them.

No, don't agree to the dog at the barbecue. It sets a precedent and the dog will have to come to every family occasion.

How serious are her mental health issues?

Although the dog sounds infuriating and I completely get how stressful it will be for you, I think I'd base my response on the above.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I am sick and tired of this selfish, entitled, me, me me attitude that seems prevalent at the moment - what about other people and their mental health, right to enjoyment of an event?

Don't argue or try to justify your stance @AshNice Just say clearly as in the first post on here that SIL is welcome, dog is not and if she chooses not to come that's fine you'll see her another time. Do not give in to either her or your dh's attempts at emotional blackmail.

I have no first hand knowledge or experience of this save for having worked closely alongside friends / co workers who had, respectively, a guide dog and a hearing dog.

In both cases they had a high degree of training in their purpose / job, as I am sure that epilepsy detector dogs etc also do.

But because they need to be alongside their human at all times they also have to be trained to be comfortable and appropriate in any given situation. Sit quietly out of the way, not bark, not wee, never help themselves to food, not approach people.

So I would imagine that a proper therapy dog would need to be happy to sit still and be cuddled, or whatever, but also to be trained in behaviour acceptable in environments where dogs are not normally allowed or cannot be trusted.

In the absence of any regulation or registration the owner surely has to take responsibility for this.

Which SIL clearly is not.

Options are you tell her dog not welcome or you say dog can come but must remain on short lead held by her at all times. I think that’s more than fair to her.

Exactly this. She's hoping you'll either give in, or get into a big back and forth.

If you let the untrained, badly behaved mutt come again after last time’s fiasco, she’ll expect to bring it along to every single family gathering ever. Tell her you’re sorry she can’t come, but you need to prioritise the safety of the toddlers/ children.

Yanbu, I hate this cult of brining your dog everywhere. They do not belong everywhere. I can never ever remember anyone doing this when I was growing up and we had dogs too!
the dog stayed home. End of.

This

YANBU. I really like dogs, and you can never, ever blame a dog for its behaviour; it's always the owner.

I'd respond, as others have suggested, 'Sorry we won't see you then. x' Then she knows what your position is and the ball is in her court if she wants to change her mind.

Yanbu.
i would just text back “no worries see you next time, maybe when the dog has been trained a bit better.”