To ask my SIL to not bring her “therapy dog” to our family BBQ?

[AshNice]

SIL has recently started bringing her spaniel everywhere and now refers to it as a “therapy dog” (not officially trained or registered - just something she says helps with her anxiety apparently). For clarity - this is a bouncy, not-particularly-well-behaved spaniel, not a calm guide dog type.

We’re hosting a family BBQ on Saturday, just something small in the garden with immediate family. I told her I’d prefer she didn’t bring the dog, as we’ll have three toddlers running around (mine, my sister’s and my cousin’s) and not everyone is keen on animals around food and little ones.

She got really upset and sent a long message saying I’m “disrespecting mental health” and that I’m making her feel excluded. She says if the dog’s not welcome, then she’s not coming either, which feels a bit… much?

I feel like I should add - this dog came to a family birthday in May, jumped up on the table, and ate sausages straight off the serving platter. It also chased the kids and kept trying to nose into the nappy bin. She laughed it off at the time and said “oh he’s just excitable.”

It’s not that I hate dogs. I like dogs. But this one is a bit much and I feel like I’m being forced to host someone’s pet out of politeness when it genuinely makes things harder. It’s not a public event, it’s just our back garden and a few burgers.

DH thinks I’m being a bit rigid and should just let it go to avoid drama, but I don’t think it’s fair that I have to stress about a dog around toddlers and food just so someone else can feel comfortable.

AIBU? Or is this just what we do now - dogs come everywhere no questions asked?

@AshNice DH did try the whole “can’t you just compromise?” angle last night, but I pointed out that we did try that before - and it resulted in the dog nicking a cheeseburger and sticking his head in the trifle. So no, I think I’m done compromising.

You could point out my previous responses to your DH because encouraging her (it is not a compromise) is a disservice to genuinly sick and disabled people who need their dogs (and who have to be very well behaved and trained) because it is us that gets stuck with the reputation she creates.

There is no standard requirement, organisations, both trainers and businesses and so on are free to set their own. Even the Equalities and Human Rights Commission advice use terms like "usually" and "likely" and state that there is no legal requirement for an assistance dog to be trained.
https://www.equalityhumanrights.com/guidance/assistance-dogs-guide-businesses-and-service-providers

Why are you telling your SiL anything.

If it DHs sister, the pair of you should have been in agreement and his job to relay the message.

If its your siblings partner you just tell your sibling.

Anything that is likely to cause drama is always best coming from the blood relation and the in law gets to stay out of it.

FYI, info on what constitutes a therapy dog in the UK in case you need to refer Dh etc.

Even trained therapy dogs do not have the same legal rights as recognised assistance dogs.

Hint it is not the owner who decides to label an untrained dog as a therapy dog. Even if they whinge and threaten you with the police quietly point out what constitutes such a label and signpost to recognised training.

https://www.therapydogtraining.co.uk/post/what-is-a-therapy-dog-in-the-uk

Fucking Tik Tok has a lot to answer for, especially when it comes to so called MH advice. I'm a psychotherapist and a recent research paper was published about therapist influencers on social media platforms like Tik Tok. Over 100 posts were shown to actual Clinical Psychologists and Psychiatrists for critique, and over 50% of the information they reviewed was out and out inaccurate, false, misinformation, and over 60% was arm chair psychology based in a kernel of fact but watered down,misinterpreted and taken out of context.

Your SIL likely may benefit from some actual therapy, not an untrained dog. What need is being met telling everyone the dog keeps her calm. Why does she want everyone to know she's anxious? What passive aggressive way is this of asking others to help her?

Well done on calling her bluff!

Because he won't. I would have done exactly what the OP did. I'm not prepared to have a barbecue spoiled by an owner who won't control their dog.

Great answer @AshNice
It's nice to see an OP with an unreasonable situation stand up for herself. I hope the weather is fine for you.

but what you have posted is simply what that organisation say. It has zero legal standing. Its not actually any dog in any similar situation that has rights, its the dog's user.

Next time you get the “my dog keeps me calm” crap, I’d point out that the dog makes everybody else anxious and tense because it does not behave well or like a fully trained service dog would.

And if she starts saying “but I have anxiety so it matters more that I’m calm” just tell her that she has no way of knowing how many other people around her may also have anxiety and also need consideration.

You may need to have a few stock answers lined up, and be prepared for comments/questions from other people that she complains to - I find it helpful to say you’re balancing everybody’s needs, it helps to (subtly) make clear that she’s being selfish.

Almost worth messaging her back to say on reflection you don't want to harm the sausage monster's mental health by putting him in situations which he can't handle, so we'll be glad to see you on occasions when food and children are absent.

What was she like before she got the dog?
Did she always have poor mental health or is it a relatively recent thing?

Win win.

Good on you.

My sister has a similar breed of dog. He's a jumper-upper, begs incessantly, thinks every mouthful of food going is for him, doesn't always come back when called.
Basically, untrained.

Spaniels are a PITA, (most of them.) Bouncy, overly energetic, and barky, and they jump all over you. (Especially cocker spaniels.) YANBU @AshNice

DH's brother used to have a cocker spaniel, and I dreaded us visiting him (especially when we went with our DC when they were little,) because the bloody thing was utterly unhinged. It used to jump up us, and jump up our DC and knock them flying, and it would bounce around the room like the Tasmanian Devil. DH's brother thought it was hilarious.

After a few times of this happening, I told DH to tell his brother that we won't be visiting again (well, not me and the DC anyway) unless they put the dog in another room while we're there. His brother sulked a bit, but reluctantly put the dog in the kitchen (next to the lounge where we were sitting...) But all the time we were there, it barked and barked and barked and barked and fucking BARKED! Really loud, shrill barking. You could barely hear yourself think.

I was relieved when DH's brother moved 30 miles south of us due to his work, (he was 2 miles away before) and we moved 30 miles north not long after, so we were 60 miles away, and visits were much less frequent. (3-4 times a year, instead of 3 times a month!)

From gov Uk equality act legislation link.
The Equality and Human Rights Commission states that assistance dogs:

• are highly trained
• will not wander freely around the premises
• will sit or lie quietly on the floor next to its owner and are trained to go to the toilet on command and so are unlikely to foul in a public place
• most are instantly recognisable by the harness or identifying dog jacket they wear they wear, although this is not a legal requirement.

www.assistancedogs.org.uk/information-hub/what-is-an-assistance-dog/

Tell her to piss off! Why do people need to take their pet everywhere?!

Tell her that she will be missed in the BBQ.
Your sister is OTT.

(a) It is true (as I previously posted) that "therapy dogs" have no legal status in the UK.
(b) As I also pointed out, there is no such thing as a "recognised" assistance dog - many service dogs are not "recognised" because there is nothing to recognise them.
(c) There is no such thing as recognised training in the UK, and
(d) Perhaps not take your advice from an organisation looking to charge you for training, can't spell in English, has no official standing and has incorrectly stated that "the behaviours we teach on our live courses and equivalent to a Kennel Club Good Citizen Bronze and Silver Award which is the recommended level of training or its equivalent for Therapy Dogs in the UK" - there is no such recommended level because there is nobody to set any such standard.

There is absolutely nothing in law that says that a service or therapy dog cannot be self-trained. Many service dogs are self-trained.

I am also particularly interested in their statement about assiatnce dog training :
Our course lays a solid foundation for progressing toward your eligibility for a Public Access Test and signposting you to specialist organisations if required.

There is no such thing in the UK as a Public Access Test.

Next time you get the “my dog keeps me calm” crap, I’d point out that the dog makes everybody else anxious and tense because it does not behave well or like a fully trained service dog would.

That's a brilliant and very appropriate response @Alltheoldpaintings

Poor dog, having your SIL as its keeper.

YANBU for your message.

Good on you for not falling for the emotional manipulation. Her and the dog can have a lovely time together, somewhere else.

So she thinks its ok for her “therapy dog” who is not trained and doesn’t live with kids, runs around a garden with children and food on offer and doesn’t consider the implications of all this. Yet youre the one in the wrong here? Oh well, youll see her another time, shame

Wow - my dog goes everywhere with me but if I was going to a BBQ at one of my sisters and they asked me not to bring the dog I wouldn't. I wouldn't stay as long as I would have to get back for the dog but no you are not being unreasonable.

I have seen proper therapy dogs in action. They would and have been welcome in our home. Normal dogs are not because we have cats and dogs stress them out. Therapy/service dogs don't seem to bother them, probably because they do react to the cats.

Well done OP.

Can I ask: if the dog was v well trained and could be relied on to sit in his blanket, never jump up, take food or wee inappropriately would you be happy for her to bring him?

If so I would have an honest convo with SIL, tell her you understand that her dog helps her but his behaviour makes it hard to include him in every occasion. And that if he is seriously needed as a therapy dog she could work hard on his training. Until then you would love to meet up with her in the park, at her house etc because you genuinely do not want to include her.

But it is her dog’s behaviour, not his presence, that is a problem.

Honesty is often the kindest.

The obvious compromise is for the dog to be on a lead or tethered out of reach of food at all times - neither of which should be a problem to either you or SIL.