To feel sad about 10 years celibate

[TheGoldFox]

I have been single and celibate since I was 28, I’m not far off 40 now and I feel sad at the prospect of reaching 40 and being celibate for over 10 years, maybe I’m being silly, I have children now so I know life is just suppose to revolve around them. Has anyone spent a long time celibate? Especially people in their 30s? Is it normal to feel sad or Aibu?

I'm not sure why you think your life is just supposed to revolve around your children? Obviously they'll be your main focus but you are allowed a life outside of them. Would you like a relationship or just sex?

I’ve been told by people before that I should concentrate on my children.

You don't have to give up all sex life to concentrate on your kids!
I think people mean you shouldn't have a revolving door of partners around your children, or ignore your children's needs in order to go out and get laid.
They don't mean you need to stay celibate until your kids leave home!
Do you have any help with childcare at all? Are the kids old enough to have a baby sitter?
Go on some dates! Join a group where you might meet people!

I don’t get child free time hence people telling me to concentrate on my kids which is fair enough but I didn’t envisage id be living the life of a nun in my 30s just wondered if anyone had been through the same or could relate rather than advice on dating etc

It’s totally normal to feel sad OP! Gosh you’ve sacrificed a whole lot! Being a mother is the best thing but honestly you need to give yourself a break and remember you’re your own person too! I currently have 3 kids and yes life is major busy but I don’t think I could ever go a decade without some type of personal companionship! Then again it depends on your own values, religious beliefs etc Hope you get to find your peace but bravo for showing such commitment to your children!

Thank you, well I have to say it wasn’t intentionally really! I can’t even believe its been 10 years just more not had a choice about it.

I’m heading for 40 at the end of the year and have been celibate since 23 so 17 years.
i have concentrated on being a single mother and work etc for years.
Personally think it’s now got to the stage where I have been on my own for so long that I’m not interested in having a man in my life again.

Whilst it is something you feel pain about and it should be acknowledged, the small positive is that you have not had the kind of man who sees you as a quick route to sex and is in every respect an unsuitable life partner.

I know life is just suppose to revolve around them

Not necessarily....your children should be your priority of course but you are also entitled to have a life.

We don't have to martyr ourselves to motherhood: it's a choice, as is celibacy.
I've been single and celibate for 8 years.
I don't get child free time, either, but had I actually wanted to date, I'd do what thousands of other women do, which is pay for childcare.

I’m not leaving my kids with strangers don’t judge others but tbh I don’t know a single woman irl who does use paid sitters.

no your life shouldn’t revolve around your children because if you do this one day they will leave and you will have no clue who you are as a person because you’ve neglected yourself.

Yes you are a mum but you’re also an individual person who isn’t a mum.

Do your children not see their Dad? Do you have family who will babysit? Can you afford to find a babysitter you can use every so often?

It’s not sad that you’re celibate if you’re happy with that but if you’re not you deserve a loving adult connection.

Start trying to do more for yourself. Join a local club, get yourself out there and doing things for you.

I remember when I left my husband and my son was only 11 and everyone, but everyone, was telling me to focus on him. I remember crying to my counsellor telling him I felt like a bad mother for saying it but that he wasn't enough for me. My counsellor just said no of course he isn't, he's a child and cannot fulfil your need for adult relationships (friendships, not a partner) and he was right. I love my son so so much but i needed more than he could give me. That gave me a lot of freedom in my head.

any time I’ve mentioned any sadness I’ve been made out to be some sex addict who should concentrate on my kids despite 10 years (almost) of celibacy

Then you must surround yourself with some very dramatic extreme women.

Babysitters and childcare professionals are absolutely fine to use and for most people are a huge lifeline to having a life outside of their children.

As a childcare professional myself I find your statement rather insulting.

I suggest you find yourself some new people to surround yourself with because according to them any adult showing interest in a relationship is a perverse sex addict and childcare professionals are maniacs that shouldn’t be trusted around your kids.

Sorry to be clear they have family that will babysit, employing sitters is not normal for anyone I know irl as they have family that will look after their children.

This was said online not irl.

I was celibate for almost 8 years while a single mum and it was very difficult. It was from age 28 to 36 and I honestly thought id hit 40 without having had sex for so long. But I went on a dating site for disabled people in the end as I have a disability and I met a guy who I was in a long distance relationship with for a year. Still not much sex but at least there was some.

More recently I was celibate from 2015 to 2022, so 7 years, then a year of sex and nothing since. I'm not too bothered now plus I don't have the energy for a man or even sex. I don't miss either anymore.

My advice is if you want sex or to date, its absolutely OK to do so, single mum or not.

Stop caring or listening to people who aren't living your life op. It's perfectly ok to use paid childcare and perfectly ok to date if that's what you want to do.

If you’ve been celibate for almost 10 years then your youngest must be at least 9yrs old and therefore in school.

why not arrange a lunch date (or a lunchtime but of fun depending what it is you’re after).

if you feel people irl will judge you just don’t tell them.

I won’t be using child care but yes I should definitely stop listening to other peoples opinions!

My youngest is 8 he left when I was pregnant, I have a child at home full time now so unfortunately that isn’t possible either.

Ive also not had sex since my child's father, just over 6 years ago and am in my 30s. I do use a paid babysitter, a fully DBS checked nursery worker recommended by a school mum. My DC adores her. It lets me go to the occasional birthday meal out/ cinema trip with the girls, when a relative isn't available. I don't use it for dating because I don't want to date, but if it would be an option if I did.

Mine are past nursery age sadly as I said I don’t judge others that do it but finding a sitter online doesn’t sit right with me and wouldn’t be something I was comfortable with.