To feel sad about 10 years celibate

[TheGoldFox]

I have been single and celibate since I was 28, I’m not far off 40 now and I feel sad at the prospect of reaching 40 and being celibate for over 10 years, maybe I’m being silly, I have children now so I know life is just suppose to revolve around them. Has anyone spent a long time celibate? Especially people in their 30s? Is it normal to feel sad or Aibu?

Mines past nursery age too, that's her main job and she makes a little extra doing babysitting in the evenings. I didn't find her online, she was recommended by a school mum who's daughter had attended the day nursery she works at. Like I said, fully qualified with a full DBS check. I'm as big on safeguarding as anyone (one of the reasons I don't date and am living the nun life), but you can carefully vet babysitters.

I think you need some respite from being a full time carer, are there any charities that will help.

Do you use Tinder or hinge? You never know you might meet someone nice, even for a little raunchy sexting.

I m a separated mum, I used to enjoy a little communication and flirtation when my children went to bed. Passed the time 🤣🤣

I’m 45 and married. I have been celibate for 13 years if it makes you feel any better.

I am working to escape my marriage, but I can’t see me ever having sex again if I’m honest.

Are you comfortable with your child attending school? How about hobbies with coaches? What is the difference between these DBS checked professionals and a DBS babysitter?

How about a local teenager - do you know any neighbours or mums who have an older child?

Have you got any friends and family at all that would be willing to take the kids a couple of nights a month?
If you don't want strangers looking after them or don't have friends or family that can help and the children don't stay with their father, it was never going to be easy for you to date. But with the youngest being 8, you could potentially start to go out in a few years on dates, how old is the eldest child, would they be responsible enough to look after the younger sibling for a couple of hours?

I'm a lone parent with zero family support and I really sympathise. I was 4 years celibate before I realised I just couldn't do it for the next decade plus. But you're right it does require compromises in your child's upbringing that you might not want to make. Some options are:

• date during the day when they're at school
• have a partner over after they have gone to sleep
• use a paid babysitter so you can meet someone at theirs or a hotel
• introduce partners earlier than you would ideally like. Everyone says wait a year, that wasn't an option for me due to the sheer lack of time and opportunity I had. I am strict about partners not being alone with my child though.

I didn't in an ideal world want to do any of the above, but I ultimately wasn't prepared to be celibate for the next 16 years either, so I've done them all at one time or another. I was widowed and I've just accepted that it's one more way my child's upbringing has been made less than ideal by my circumstances, and that I'll be judged, you're always judged as a lone parent and widow anyway.

No unfortunately not if I did I wouldn’t have spent 10 years celibate sorry to say

Thanks that’s how I feel I don’t really want to hit 40 and still be celibate it a depressing thought

I'd babysit my friend's children so she could get laid after 10 years. Why are you listening to people who only judge and don't help?

Your options here are feel sad and sorry for yourself and do nothing or find some help - whether that's respite, paid for sitters or a friend to mind the DC.

Not the same thing at all. It’s employing someone online and leaving them home alone with my children that doesn’t sit right with me, I don’t judge people that do this so don’t feel I should be judged for being uncomfortable with it.

It’s nice you would help your friends but not everyone has that, an emergency yes but not as regular childcare

How old is the eldest child? Could they babysit your youngest for a few hours, or maybe if not now, maybe in a couple of years?
Could you ask at the school whether any of the teachers or teaching assistants do any babysitting on the side, they wouldn't be strangers to you or the children

No the school don’t babysit and tbh I wouldn’t ask them to. My oldest is 13 and I wouldn’t leave him to babysit as he isn’t mature enough.

I've had people say this to me too but it's not a one off commitment so someone can have sex! If you want to support a friend to date or have a relationship you'd be committing to what, once a fortnight minimum so they could get out and meet someone? And then some overnights once they have met someone so they can actually be intimate? Maybe you'd do that but most of us don't have friends willing to offer that. The only line parents I know with that level of commitment are grandparents.

Nobody is suggesting you find some rando off Craigslist or Facebook marketplace to watch your children! You can use a fully DBS checked day nursery worker (ring your local day nurseries and see if any of their staff offer babysitting services) or use a reputable nannying/ babysitting agency where you can see DBS checks and read reviews.

Thank you! Honestly I know people say it on here but it’s not my experience irl people aren’t particularly willing to take on that level of commitment

Yes they have suggested childcare. Co.Uk and bubble personally that’s not for me if people want to use them good for them but I won’t be

Are your DC not in school op? Do you homeschool? Do they have any special needs?

I wouldnt use a website i dont trust either What you can do is find a reputable agency or enquire at a day nursery as has been suggested. Or you can stay celibate and embrace it. As you've rejected all sensible solutions, perhaps deep down that's what you really want?

If you're not willing to ask people you know or find a professional babysitter then I think ultimately you'll be waiting several years until you are comfortable leaving the kids unsupervised in the house.
I think you'd probably find some TAs at the school would be more than happy to babysit for some extra cash if you asked, they wouldn't be able to advertise it, but that doesn't mean none of them do it
I sympathise with your celibacy, but ultimately I think there are ways around it, if it was important enough to you.

No I don’t want to leave my children with strangers. Not really the same.

So your children are never left with DBS checked strangers at all? Teachers, TAs, holiday nursery staff, sports coaches, music tutors?

As I said school is not really comparable, if I wanted to leave them with sitters I would have done it years ago, you can’t really compare it with school where there are always loads of people around and kids are rarely if ever left alone.

That's not what I'm saying. You said you don't get childfree time? Do they not go to school?