To feel sad about 10 years celibate

[TheGoldFox]

I have been single and celibate since I was 28, I’m not far off 40 now and I feel sad at the prospect of reaching 40 and being celibate for over 10 years, maybe I’m being silly, I have children now so I know life is just suppose to revolve around them. Has anyone spent a long time celibate? Especially people in their 30s? Is it normal to feel sad or Aibu?

Your children aren’t babies @TheGoldFox

If you left them with someone and something happened they’d be able to tell you.

Childcare.co.uk is filled with professionals who have years of experience and are often Nanny’s, teachers or nursery workers looking for some extra cash. They will be able to give you plenty of references to check.

It’s not filled with random weirdos asking to look after your kids.

Once again I’m not using sitters, that isn’t “every suggestion” it’s one suggestion. Not for me and that’s ok! I don’t view that as an option

I also didn’t ask for suggestions I said is it normal to feel sad reaching a milestone and still being celibate, celibacy for most is a choice doesn’t mean I can’t feel sad about it.

I was celibate for 3 years in my 20’s
it bugged me so much.

Edited to say; I wasn’t one for ONS and I wasn’t very body confident or confident at all for that matter.
i also need to feel sexually attracted to some one before I’d sleep with them.

You’re among the wrong people!
Read the book “let them”

I went two years celibate after divorce and that was more than enough for me. I have had quite a lot of casual partners in the last year but I’ve no intention of any of them meeting the children or being particularly integrated into my life.

It’s important to me and I would find it very difficult to give up now. I don’t think it’s a remotely frivolous thing to want sex and intimacy- it’s a basic human need for many people.

I think that as a single parent your children should absolutely be your priority but ideally not to the extent of you having no life of your own (which obviously doesn’t have to include a relationship but just something which you enjoy which doesn’t involve children). I don’t think that’s healthy for anyone. I wouldn’t actually want my children to look back and think that I had spent a decade celibate for their benefit. But it’s easier said than done if your children’s father isn’t involved at all and you have no other family childcare and pretty close to impossible if you’re unwilling to use paid childcare.

I don’t know if it helps to see it as a choice you’re making. In your situation I would absolutely use paid childcare because I consider it very low risk and potentially quite beneficial for children to get used to different babysitters plus it’s totally normal in my circle. You have a different view on that, which is fine, but it means you’re prioritising not using childcare over dating.

I empathise OP - often the sitter costs more than a few hours 'out', if you did go out then you might not be comfortable with going 'out on the prowl' and let's say you did and got 'lucky' then exactly where are you supposed to go and have sex anyway and be back home in time for the sitter?

Maybe think of the next 3 years as a 'challenge' to accomplish - when the dc are old enough so you can leave them without too much worry. Then you can start going out on your own terms to places you want to go to and maybe you'll meet someone that you can develop a relationship with which might lead to having some sex again.

Thank you, that’s exactly it, just doesn’t sit right with me leaving my kids with someone they don’t know so I could go and have sex even if I was to be comfortable with sitters (I’m not!) I wouldn’t have the funds anyway, ex doesn’t pay maintenance and sitters are exactly cheap.

I was celibate from 25 to 35 because I got out of a very abusive relationship and was done with men. At 35 I met my now DH and got married and had my DS. There isn't anything wrong with it and it's obvious what you need to do if it's not working for you

Hey @TheGoldFox
I hear you loud and clear.
What you’re feeling is so normal, but yes, so very sad.
And no, you are not being silly in the slightest.
You are a normal woman, who wants to feel wanted, desired, hell….even alive!
Sex can be so good. And when you are attracted to someone who feels the same way, it makes such a difference to how you feel. I have been forced to be celibate for 13 years, since I was 40, and it breaks my heart.
The silence. My partner won’t speak about it, and has since been diagnosed with MS.

You have and are doing the best for your children.
But please, stuff anyone who makes a judgement. They are not living your life.
You are not being unreasonable in the slightest.
Start a PLAN. Operation back to life, or something like that.
What could your ideal life look like in say 2-3 years?
what would you like? What do you want to feel? Where would you like to go? What do you want to try….music….theatre…archeology …whatever?
I reckon you’re doing a damn fine job as a mother…..but you’re allowed a little fun too.

I think it's perfectly understandable to feel sad about it. No life doesn't stop at 40, no it's not old etc, but it's natural for the big numbers to get you thinking about your life, and particularly the bits you're not happy with.

Humans are a social creature. Sex is connection. A decade is a long time to go without those relationships, if you desire them and (for whatever reason) feel like they're currently not available to you. Ignore the people telling you you're weird for it, I imagine they've either chosen to be celibate themselves, or they're actually in relationships? I think sometimes sex can be like money - easy to say it's not a big deal when you've got some!

You're definitely not the only one in this situation, and not the only one feeling sad about it.

I'm single and not bothered one bit about sex, nothing sad about not having it.

Well hopefully you find someone but does it bother you so much or just loneliness

I suppose it's hard to be completely alone all evenings, weekends etc , but do you see relatives or friends and are they fin or empty, casual, not fun and just plain boring....

Who are these people who are constantly telling you how to live your life and why are you listening to them? Are these people helping you out in any way or just passing judgement? You have one life, and yes, your commitment and care is to your children but it doesn't have to be that or nothing. You are not going to be a better mother by sacrificing little things that give you happiness and that could include sex. You seem reluctant to trust professional childminders. Do your kids not go to nursery/school? Do you trust the people working there? Perhaps you could find some time when the children are busy to go on dates/have casual fun. Perhaps make a plan of what you want from life too and take small steps to achieve it.

Thanks to those that understand and relate. Yes my children go to school but as I said that’s not the same thing and not comparable I have one at home full time atm so I don’t get any free time at all now so it’s a thing of the past now for me

I commend you for putting your children first, unlike so many who are quick to find another man and have children with them in the hopes of securing him. I imagine your children are old enough to be with a babysitter ir have Playdates now, so why don't you start focusing on you a bit. Join a class or something. As far as sex goes, that's easy, go to a bar or go on a dating app.

My older kids don’t have “play dates” they rarely leave their room unless it’s for food 😂

I think anyone would be fed up with that OP.

I would ask around your wider community, someone will have teens who babysit. Your kids are more than old enough to tell you about any problems.

You sound quite passive and depressed (which if you literally never go out isn’t surprising), so I think you really need to act now, or these things tend to get worse.

You said you don't get childfree time? Do they not go to school?

Of course they go to school! If that's what you call "child-free time" that's when I'm working to bring home the bacon so to speak.

It's the reality for us solo mums. Never a moment to ourselves. After work, pick up kids, go home, go to the supermarket for food, get dinner on, clean the kitchen and house, do the laundry, pay the bills, any admin to do too.

I totally get you OP. I'd love to meet a man to have some time alone with.
Problem is, they come with their own huge problems too.

Certainly not interested in a grown man still living with mummy and daddy....

How did you meet him?

OP I haven't had sex or a relationship for 7 years. Probably longer for sex. I don't feel sad about it really. My child has kept me busy.
Who knows about the future....

I've been celibate for 18 years at the end of August, since I was 34. I got out of a horrifically abusive relationship and I was so emotionally shattered a relationship was the last thing I wanted. Meaningless sex with a random isn't my scene.

I had a traumatized DC 7 & 4 at home, no childcare and I hadn't made the best choice of partner/dad so I made the decision to stay single. I ended up as what is called a relationship anorexic - its basically the opposite of a sex addict - went to therapy, worked on that but still remained single.

It took till I was in my early 40's before I even contemplated dating. Then I fell in love with my (male) friend and it all went tits up. So I crawled back in my cave.

I'm quite happy single, I do what I want, when I want and I woke up this morning widthways across the bed 😂

My kids are all grown now, all left home. I'm about to move across the country (to the next town up from two of my DC). The other day my youngest mentioned that I might find someone when I move - my eldest face was a picture!

Never say never but it's not something I'm looking for or even really want. I do get lonely sometimes and now and again I think it might be a good idea but then I remember how much I've been fucked up by relationships in the past. If I'm really honest - I don't have the self esteem to get back in the dating pool and I figure if I haven't got it to give myself then I don't have it to give anyone else.

I used paid sitters when dc were younger. I never went online. How bizarre. My sitters were nursery workers at first so knew my dc well. Then when they left nursery I kept those sitters for a while (just 2 different women). Then I used friends older children 15+ (2 girls). I had an offer from a school mums 17yo niece but stuck with my neighbours kids because my neighbours were in so I had adult back up.

Do you think that having 4 sitters in my dc's lives is terrible parenting?

I also had offers from friends to babysit but I never accepted. Is that an option for you?

Your MH and well being should be your top priority. If it isn't then that may reflect on your relationships with your DC.
If you're feeling sad about being celibate for 10 years and devoted your time to your DC's be very careful that resentment doesn't set in. Or hatred for those people (who ever they were) who told you to concentrate on your children.
Is it sad you've been celibate? That's not for others to judge. It may be for some and not for others. Some people choose celibacy as a way of life. It's neither right nor wrong. It's their choice. if it's your choice fair enough. If it's something you've been forced into then not so good.
Only you know.

I never said anyone that uses sitters is a bad parent it just isn’t for me and I don’t want to go into my life story to explain the reasons but nursery worker is fine when you’ve known them beforehand my kids didn’t go to nursery though they all stayed at home till school and as my oldest is 13 (but not mature) I wouldn’t leave him with an older teen I wouldn’t be comfortable with that dynamic and besides I don’t know any teens and DS wouldn’t want to be left with a teen he didn’t know. People do go online that’s why websites like childcare. Co.uk and bubble exist, to find sitters if they don’t know anyone personally willing to babysit.