Daughter doesn’t want me to take job offer

[Theyulelog]

I am a qualified gymnastic coach, have been out the game for a long time due to children, hours etc.
my teenage daughter is a gymnast, she’s at the club everyday.
I have another job working in a supermarket, which I hate. I love my old job as a coach but nothing about especially with cost of living crisis.
i have been offered a job at my daughters club. I was over the moon but my teenage daughter is screaming and shouting, crying and begging me not to take the job as she goes there to be with her friends and enjoy time away from home. She doesn’t want her mum there. She says I’m selfish and it’s ruining her life.

im so sad I mite have to give up my dream to have any relationship with her. Our relationship is very strained as it is.

Some of the comments have made me realise just how bad things are. I’m scared of her outbursts. When ever she is asked to do anything there is always a tantrum. Her room is beyond disgusting, I’ve just freshly decorated it and it’s vile, no care at all.
if I retaliate and shout back, or get on at her she goes into woe is me mode, thinks she has the worst mum ever, acts like she is being abused at home. She has it easier than most people. I run her to and from that club five days a week, up and down like a sodding yogo to facilitate it all and also pay for it and it’s not cheap.
if I say I don’t have the money for xyz, she goes on about how poor we are, moans about the type of car we have (it’s a four year old mokka)
im miserable

Again she is manipulating you. If you give in she will do this again and again. You will gain her respect more in the long term by not caving. How dare she make out that others dont want you either. I am sure she is not privy to that level of information

She doesn't have adhd. She's spoiled

take the job and just make it a rule not to comment on her or get involved. As far as you’re concerned she’s just another teen. tell her you’ll stay out of her way and she should stay out of yours but screaming and stamping her feet isn’t the way forward

You want the job, you need the money, and you’re unhappy with what you’re doing now - run towards it. Opportunities don’t come along all the time - you’ll regret missing it

You avoided answering who actually pays for her gymnastics classes 5 days a week. Perhaps remind her of that and tell her you won’t be paying anymore.

ok sorry, you’ve only just answered that point. Well as above. Stop paying if her behaviour is so bad. All you’re really doing is rewarding her bad behaviour.

You're sick of her? She makes you miserable?

You are deliberately pissing on her turf after all.

I think you're being quite horrible to a child, actually.

You've said that she's in the middle of an ADHD assessment, so clearly there are some suspicions she is neurodivergent.

People with ADHD really struggle with looking after themselves and their environment. They don't choose to have executive dysfunction and to find task initiation so difficult: it's how their brains are wired. You suspect she has ADHD and yet you've referred disparagingly twice to her "filth". You've called her room "vile" and complained about the lack of care. "We take the phone off her and she just sits there all day and doesn’t lift a finger." Well, yes. Taking the first step to doing anything can be hard. Struggling to get started is a symptom of ADHD.

Emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity dysphoria are also common. So, not being able to express her feelings properly and being terrified everyone in the club is going to hate her when her mum starts working there is completely understandable. People with ADHD live with a different baseline of anxiety. Constantly being a bit anxious is their normal.

Depending on what type of ADHD, she might find that some kind of exercise helps her manage her mood better - if you're a gymnastic coach, it's not really a surprise that she's also quite athletic, and that gymnastics is a good outlet for her.

If you've been out of the game a long time, I do understand that getting a job as a coach is going to be difficult to turn down, as you can't just get an alternative job somewhere else. I do. But I don't understand why you think your daughter should attempt to understand that when you haven't put one tiny jot of effort into understanding her.

You complain about "pandering to her" and "I can assure she wasn't brought up like this". You basically dislike her and think she is bringing shame on you for being wired in the way she is. Well, assuming she's yours genetically, you made her. She can't help her genetics.

"She has it easier than most people." Well, no. The world is not built for neurodivergent people, and she's in a minority.

Being a teen is difficult. Add ADHD into the mix, and it's even harder.

I have ADHD, and I feel really really sorry for your child.

If you genuinely think she has ADHD, you have to stop treating her like she's neurotypical. You have to put some effort into understanding her differences, not judging her for those, and helping her develop coping strategies.

She can't help but think this change is going to make everyone hate her. What you can do is acknowledge her feelings, understand why her gut instinct is to panic in that way, and then help her rationalise why this change isn't actually going to ruin her life. You can't have a productive conversation by starting from a point of dismissing her feelings.

She probably works really hard to come across "as normal" when at school. This makes it even harder to manage her feelings at home. The fact that she has such wild mood swings at home shows that actually, on some instinctive level, she trusts you hugely. I'm sure it's not easy with a teen who is always having extreme emotional outbursts but that's the job as a parent. You deal with the good and the bad, and sometimes, there's a lot of bad!

Rather than have a go at her for her room being a mess, give her 30 minutes to do something small. It doesn't have to be tidying the whole room. Find some really small and obviously easy task like stack all the plates and put them on the desk. Encourage her to take a 10-minute break playing on her phone. Then, give her another 30 minutes and another specific and small task.

If it was possible to get another coach job elsewhere, I'd take it. But's a very niche job, you don't have any recent experience of it, and they don't grow on trees. I don't think you should turn it down. But if you were more accepting of your daughter's challenges (living with ADHD), perhaps she would be more understanding of yours (reentering the workplace in relation to your specialism).

Just try to see things from her perspective. Then, with that different view, try things differently with her, and help her to see your perspective.

These ND children cannot dictate someone’s life! Just too bad. Take the job.

Don’t shout at her - ever - if you show such emotion it will fuel her anger. Calmly be firm with her.

Take the job and let her know, no need to give detailed explanation either.

Congratulations. At this age she’s not going to care about any of the things lots of people are saying she should, like your own well-being, etc, she’s just not. But she does need some boundaries put in place and right now you’re uncertain and she’s getting that vibe from you and knows you’re still undecided so she’s doing what she can. Make a decision, be very clear about your reasons and stand firm. Remind her who the parent is and of course she’s going to twist people’s words and infer they don’t want you to have the job - but clearly they do because they’ll pay you over a volunteer. By the way, the general rule is a volunteer shouldn’t be doing the work of a paid worker and I’m sure the volunteer can continue volunteering!

Exactly.

She is being a complete brat adhd or not! Honestly I would be taking the job and if she continues to throw a tantrum I’d be cancelling her membership!

Congratulations on the job. Don’t think for a second about not taking it. I would also stop lifts until she can show you some respect.

@xanthicWe cannot just say difficult teens all need a diagnosis and let them dictate to adults though! She’s got some responsibility too. Every single issue with challenging dc now is leading to a diagnosis and incredible tolerance from others. It’s not good enough. It’s not making sure dc take responsibility too.

She is manipulating you, don't let her. Take the job and see how it goes.

Take the job.

@xanthic
My eyes honestly can’t help but roll a bit reading this.
My daughter has ADHD, and so does my niece—quite severely. Both of them have been known to throw some pretty big tantrums. As a family, we try to stay calm and consistent by using a “grey rock” approach, saying things like, “When you’re ready to talk calmly, we’ll be here,” or “The bigger the tantrum, the less likely you are to be heard.”
ADHD doesn’t make a child (or adult) manipulative by nature, but it also doesn’t make them incapable of manipulative behavior. Sometimes ADHD kids act impulsively or react emotionally without thinking it through — which is different from calculated manipulation. But just like neurotypical kids, they can also learn what “works” to get their way (like guilt-tripping or throwing a tantrum).

Does she need counseling? Probably.
Does she need more empathy and support? Absolutely.

But none of that means her behavior should automatically be seen as typical of ADHD—or excused because of it.

I have an ADHD DD who is now nearly 23 and has become a lovely young lady. However we had the teenage strops and an awful lot of woe is me. They are teenagers writ large I'm afraid. So I just want to hold out some hope - once the teenage angst etc has passed they can turn out lovely in the end. In the meantime you have to remember that even the best teenagers (let alone the hyped up ADHD ones) have moments where they behave like toddlers and rather more moments when they believe that the world revolves around them. You are doing your DD no favours in life if you don't disabuse her of that notion. Imagine her thinking she could throw a strop to get out of having to photocopy a just stack of documents when she starts work.....

So ignore the performances - yes she's upset but not crying all night upset, that is intended to manipulate you. Tell her calmly that you understand she isn't keen on the change but that you WILL be taking the job. You have put your love of gymnastics on hold to parent her for the last 15 years and now it is your time to rekindle your career in that field. She is no longer a baby but an almost adult and your life no longer revolves entirely around her needs. Tell her that you are no longer prepared to discuss whether you will take the job or not but that if she can sit down like an almost adult you are prepared to discuss groundrules for when you are both at the gym. I would also tell her how disappointed you are in her current behaviour - the filth, the disrespect etc and explain (again very calmly) that her behaviour is going to have consequences going forward in terms of paying for her phone/giving her lifts to the gym etc - and then follow through with that.

And I agree with a PP - the safe space stuff is nonsense she's picked up at school - they all say it and it is better not to pander to the delicate little flowers on that one as it undermines and belittles those who really do need one.

Take the job, reiterate that you will have no need to see or talk to her, and continue to explain that her hobby is expensive, the alternative being she will need to put it on hold until she's old enough to get a Saturday job and pay for it herself. I would not be knocking myself out working to pay for her hobby if she's being a brat, suspected ADHD or not.
Londonmummy66 sums it up much more nicely then me, but the gist is the same, don't give in, your doing her no favours.

@Theyulelog I feel for you this is a difficult situation .
Is she able to live with her dad ? It may just be the space you both need .
I genuinely don’t know what I’d do in your shoes.

OP, your daughter sounds absolutely pathetic. I’d have tried to sell it on the positives - lifts to and from work, no paying for food, etc., but she sounds like a brat. Time for her to move in with her dad to be honest.

@TizerorFizz I'm not the one who said she needed a diagnosis. The OP said she was in the middle of one, so someone has suspected it, and the girl has passed at least the gateway screening questions.

Some teens are just difficult.

Some teens have ADHD.

Some teens are difficult and have ADHD.

ADHD obviously isn't a free pass to do what you like, but it is a reason for certain behaviours, and it can't be dealt with in the same way you would deal with someone who was neurotypical.

It's a bit like telling someone off for not listening to you when they're quite deaf. Sometime has to change - maybe they get a hearing aid. Maybe you communicate more in writing and/or both learn BSL. But blaming them for not being able to hear is futile and unkind.

Someone who has full hearing and is just ignoring you? Yes, tell them off.

People are not the same. Children are not the same. Your children might look like you, they might act a bit like you, but they are not carbon copies of you as a child.

When you are a teen, you are trying to find your place in the world and figure out who you are. That is incredibly hard if you are neurodivergent. You don't understand why you react the way you do, and why that's not seen as normal.

And you know, because I have a diagnosis, I understand myself more. I feel that posters like @GrumpyExpat, @Londonmummy66 and @fambae (among others!) are being incredible dismissive and rude of neurodiversity, and I feel personally attacked and upset. I also know logically that is a disproportionate reaction, they actually don't give a toss what I think, they probably didn't actually mean to upset me and were just trying to argue their own points. So, I'm going to close this thread and come back to it later, when that initial intense feeling of upset has passed, and I'm able to regulate the way I feel.

I can't help getting upset. I can help how I deal with it. I can close the thread. That's a strategy in itself.

Sometimes just knowing that your gut feeling is the ADHD and not you is enough to keep you calm. In the past, I'd have probably stayed on this thread arguing while upset - doesn't add to the discussion and isn't beneficial for anyone.

If it turns out that the teen is completely neurotypical and whoever referred for her for an assessment is wrong, and the teen is actually just a neutotypical brat than a neurodivergent girl struggling, fine, I'm the one who's making too many allowances here. But, nothing the OP has said has suggested that's the case.

It's not that 'everyone has ADHD these days'. It's that no one noticed so many of us had it in the past. Girls hide it better - I suspect part of it is down to social conditioning and an even greater desire than boys to be quiet and fit in.

I would tell her the gymnastics has to stop because you can't afford it.

I was your daughter once, and I still the shame now 35+ years later, my Mum applied for a job as a dinner lady in my high school, the one's who work serving the school dinners etc. I was mortified and told her she couldn't possibly take the job, how embarrassing it would be for me etc. I will never forget her face when I said this, of course at the time I still thought I was right, I was a selfish 14 year old teenager.

My Mum didn't take the job and eventually something came along for her which she loved. However when I 'grew up' and matured slightly I realised how wrong I was and I felt awful, I apologised so much to my Mum who held no grudge but quite rightfully did tell me how much I had hurt her feelings.

Take the job OP, explain to your daughter the need to do so, she will survive and will I'm sure one day 'get it'.

Yeah this isn’t adhd. She sounds like an absolute brat.