Daughter doesn’t want me to take job offer

[Theyulelog]

I am a qualified gymnastic coach, have been out the game for a long time due to children, hours etc.
my teenage daughter is a gymnast, she’s at the club everyday.
I have another job working in a supermarket, which I hate. I love my old job as a coach but nothing about especially with cost of living crisis.
i have been offered a job at my daughters club. I was over the moon but my teenage daughter is screaming and shouting, crying and begging me not to take the job as she goes there to be with her friends and enjoy time away from home. She doesn’t want her mum there. She says I’m selfish and it’s ruining her life.

im so sad I mite have to give up my dream to have any relationship with her. Our relationship is very strained as it is.

Al this screaming and crying loudly all night sounds very performative, to say nothing of manipulative. I'd be inclined to put earplugs in and leave her to it.

My grand daughters can be very dramatic I try not to smile. Not so easy for their parents though.

That screaming and crying; manipulation.

You need the money. You cannot let a spoiled teen make your job decisions and manipulate you using abusive behaviour.

You do get she's emotionally and verbally abusing you to get her way, don't you?

Has she ever had therapy?

She needs to be told to grow up.

Firmly.

It is indeed an awful situation.

I would pick the least-worst option - and take the job.

She is genuinely upset too, like anxiety running through her veins. She’s always been paranoid about what others thinks and hates standing out from the crowd. This is her worst nightmare.
im sick of her though, she makes me miserable. Her filth, her pure disrespect and lack of care towards me. I’m hurting. She was my baby, who I adored as a child. She was a wonderful child. God knows where she went. But she’s never coming back

Take the job. She’ll get over it.

Her behaviour is disgusting, and all the ore reason you need to put her first. If you can't both co-exist in this team, she has to be the one to leave. With behaviour like that she is hardly an asset is she? I'd phrase it as 'What if she kicked off at a competition? She clearly can't be trusted'
Being gracious when things don't go your way is a key element of sport. Sounds like you've done enough pandering to her.

Just ignore her and take the job.

She needs therapy OP. To work on her emotional regulation and self esteem.

Try using this script with her more regularly: “It makes sense that you feel that way. I get it.”
She needs to feel understood by you and that her feelings are acceptable. You do understand what lies behind her extreme emotional reaction so make sure you’re verbalising that to her (whilst also maintaining your own boundaries and needs which include taking this new job opportunity!)

Sorry, but who cares if she's unhappy? If you were offered a job at twenty times the salary in another city and needed to move, would her unhappiness stop you?

This whole 'safe space' statement is just being spouted from school - my DD comes out with it, doesn't really mean anything....
You take the job, for financial reasons and to follow your passion. Let your DD have her tantrums - she's trying to control you (sounds like a toddler) and has to learn she won't win. If she really doesn't like it, she can always leave.

I know it's easy to say, but perhaps she needs to learn, as quickly as possible, that what other people think really doesn't matter. So what if some of her friends think, for some weird reason, that her mother shouldn't work at the gym? The sensible ones will say, in effect, why shouldn't your mother work there? It's a perfectly normal job. My DH has always tended to worry about what others, including total strangers think, and even he will acknowledge that his life has improved since it began to get through to him that it's just not worth wasting time on.

And perhaps some of her hurt will be alleviated when your improved income starts translating into a better standard of living generally.

Sounds like she doesn't see you as much of a person in your own right (not so uncommon in teenagers). I think it will do her good to see you putting yourself first, and having something you are interested in. It's not like you're putting your wants, in front of the needs of a tiny, defenceless baby. You're putting your wants, in front of the wants of another almost-adult, who is being unreasonable and also treating you badly.

If she doesn't clean up her mess, she should be grounded and not allowed to gymnastics anyway imo, that's tough love. ADHD isn't an excuse for being a brat. My OH is diagnosed with ADHD and has to take amphetamines for it, in order to hold down a job. He wasn't an arse to his parents though as a teen (they say so themselves), despite only getting his diagnosis as an adult. Even things which could be blamed on ADHD, like him struggling to do laundry, we obviously make some allowances, but he's aware he can't just endlessly be a pain about it - he has to make notes and really concentrate to get it right, or ask for help. It's difficult. But ADHD isn't a free pass to just say you're "overwhelmed" and that your needs are more important than other people's.

you should take the job. She’ll get over it and sadly the world, or your finances don’t revolve around her. Once she grows up a bit she’ll understand even if she kicks off now

I agree with this:
Try using this script with her more regularly: “It makes sense that you feel that way. I get it.”

She is in a rage, possible hormonal, and needs to calm down but does not yet have the maturity to calm herself.

@Theyulelog you can’t let her control the narrative here. She doesn’t know whether they want others to have the job, she is trying to put you off. I think if you don’t stand firm here, she will only get worse. It’s only the weekend and you can keep well away from her. I’m not unsympathetic to her at all, but giving in to her on this is not the answer.

Is she getting treatment for her ADHD and anxiety? She's reacting so strongly that you should bring her to the dr for a review, she does sound a bit out of control.

You should take the job - you really want to, it opens up the opportunity of a potential full time job, and you need the money. As you say, you're not going to be coaching your daughter, you're not going to interact with her at all, she needs to learn to be a bit more resilient, and going through 'challenging' situations is a way to develop resilience.

Your daughter is 15. You think she has ADHD. She is having a tantrum like a toddler and does not want you to take this job.
Tell her that she is 15 years old and she needs to grow up as your taking this job as you need the money.
Tell her if she continues to act like a child you treat her like one. Tell her she not old enough for a mobile phone so you take that off her as well. Tell her she won't be getting money from you for clothes or for going out with friends either because you can no longer afford this without taking on that job.

The reality is that at 15 she will have GCSE soon and then A levels. She needs to accept that she won't get everything she wants. She also needs to accept that things won't always go her way either. She is going to find it very hard to leave home, going to college or going into the world of work unless she can cope with this.

You have to do what's best for you now as you need the money and to get back into this type of work. This job could led you back into a full time job in this area.

Obviously, ignore her. Your biggest problem is that you have allowed her to turn into an entitled, shrieking monster who thinks she has a right to scream abuse at her mother.

Just tell her it’s happening but ask her to write a list of ground rules or boundaries… like no talking to her while you’re there etc. Or that you aren’t allowed to comment on how she is at gymnastics at home - what happens at gym stays at gym. Give her back some control by asking her to write a list of ideas of how she wants to manage it.

She can't control her mother's job. Kid is already being emotionally and verbally abusive when she doesn't get her way.

Mom is qualified, has been offered the job, and needs the money to raise her family and provide things like, well, gymnastics.

Maybe it's time for a mental health assessment for her. It sounds like controlling OP's career isn't the only area of concern. She mentioned teachers and filth.

Is your daughter in any kind of therapy or counselling? I can understand any adolescent being mortified that their parent will have a job where they frequent the same establishment, but this sounds like an extreme response. Bordering on unhinged! Sobbing all night and being consumed by it doesn’t seem normal to me.

Take the job. She will survive.

@Theyulelog

"im sick of her though, she makes me miserable."

and yet you applied for a job at her club?

For a couple of hours on a weekend and £25 ~?

There's definitely more to this!