To be depressed about my financial situation compared to my neighbors

[greenwithenvy2]

My neighbor is about 59 years old and her husband is 63. She works for the local council as a HR coordinator and her husband, who is now retired, was a finance clerk for the local council.

They have a property portfolio worth around £2.4m (£1m mortgages) so approx £1.4m in property assets. They started their business in the early 90s, when they purchased their first property. They moved home, renting out their original house and repeated this again. With the increase in house prices they were able to remortgage their BTL and buy more property.

We are in our late 30s and are in a very privileged position - we earn a decent wage between us (£140k) and are able investment into our ISA each month but we will never able to have £1.4m in property investment.

I felt so bitter listening to her. They were able to provide gifts for their children to buy their houses and they have now set up companies so their children will inherit their wealth.

I get we are fortunate, but we'll never be able to do this for our children. They achieved this on fairly middling wages as well. I know there are a few other neighbors on our street who've managed this feat and now their kids are sitting pretty.

I felt disgusted at her and at myself for feeling this way.

Get over yourself and work extra then.

Can't believe you searched your neighbours on Companies House.

Might have to search myself and DH now....

What they have is nothing to do with you. It’s none of your business. Focus in on yourself and family because this is what matters. You have jobs and a house and warmth and food as well. Count your blessings. Reach out and volunteer to help people who don’t have what you have. You could work in a hot meal kitchen for example.

I doubt it. Those type of people don’t.

Hahahaha she never did this!! Honestly?!? Omg I missed this update.

OP please have a word with yourself. Are you bored? Go for a walk or read a book. Put Netflix on. How do you have the time or inclination to actually do this?

You are being ridiculous. How would you feel about people being ‘disgusted’ by you because you have a £140k income and own your own home when they don’t? Your neighbours are just playing the cards life dealt them, as we all do. Good for them. Be grateful you have a comfortable income - you’re already better off than many people. Get over yourself and try to be grateful for what you have rather than being a whining brat.

OP, I understand. It was brave of you to admit this. It's healthy that you can acknowledge the grief and disappointment, even maybe the anger about the differences in circumstances between you and your neighbours. However, I invite you to channel these feelings in positive ways. You can't change the past or just wish things were different. What steps can you take NOW to improve your situation? You and your spouse need to brainstorm and write down realistic, achievable goals. List specific action steps (start small) to work toward them. Check frequently to make sure you are on track. If you can, seek advice from a professional financial advisor or your bank. Do your research. You may not end up with what your neighbours have, but you won't stay stuck and you'll end up better off than you are now. Best of luck to you.

I kind of agree with PPs and think that generally YABU for all the reasons given - and yet I was upset yesterday because I was envious of my friends. They have a lovely house with a garden and velux windows. Those are things I wish I could have but I live in a flat. They are a couple both with good incomes (not crazy high but good) and I'm single with a lower income, so they can afford things I can't. When I pop round to theirs I just want to cry because I want their house so much. And I'm not normally like that, I don't normally care about keeping up with the Joneses or feel unhappy with my more modest lot. I just had a daft wobble because life isn't actually fair and sometimes it gets to you.

So I kind of do understand those feelings and that they can creep up on you sometimes, however unreasonable you may be. I think maybe that feeling indicates that you have other stresses or worries and that's how they pop out. That's what I've been pondering today about what's going on with me.

What a beautiful post. You are a strong, generous person with a healthy attitude towards life.

OP, is there any element of surprise/jealousy that your neighbors are doing so well given their jobs aren't super high paying compared to yours?

It depends. Kids at state school and a modest mortgage - money to spare. Private school/child care and a big mortgage - not much left over.

But what different circumstances?

The neighbours worked their way up to what they have now. OP is expecting to have the equivalent but 20 years younger!

If she lived more frugally and literally just stuffed cash in an ISA or pension she’d have MORE than the neighbours by the time she is their age.

Is this for real😭🤣
Just why compare yourselves to people who have been work for decades longer than you!?

I think if anyone in their 30’s compared their finances with people in their 60’s they would feel bitter too.

People that age have been able to easily build wealth (especially housing wealth) by not working at all as hard as people say in their 30’s today. On top of that their pensions are now being paid for by people in their 30’s who are working crazy hours in stressful jobs and struggling to ever afford the lifestyle their parents could easily afford.

Its easy for me to look at my older neighbours who have been able to afford a similar sized home without the stressful, 70+ hours a week job (and have plenty of money left over to actually enjoy life as well) and feel disheartened but that’s just the way it is.

I have no problem with this at all but I really wish the boomers realise how easy they have it and how much they have to thank hard working millennials who are buying their expensive houses and paying for their pension so they can retire comfortably.

You're coming off as quite bonkers, and massively over invested in a random neighbour's life.

Also you've shared very specific details so it's not unlikely she'll spot this and know you're 'disgusted' by her.

I'd get off the Internet (both mumsnet and companies house) and try enjoying life a bit more.

This is such a sad post OP, and clearly shows the difference between wealth/circumstance and happiness. The two don't necessarily go together.

OP, you are earning more money than I ever have in all my life, and I'm now a pensioner. And you're young, with (I assume) good health and a lifetime ahead of you to make changes.

I'm living on my state pension with a bit of extra from a few part-time hours. I don't even own my own home. I am probably the happiest I've ever been in life as I have the loveliest friends and family, I live in a beautiful rural area, I no longer have the burden of full time work, I have done lots of things with my life.

I could compare myself with so many others who have fantastic salaries, huge pensions, large houses which they own outright, but I don't. All that doesn't make for happiness or contentment, and it seems to me that those are the things which are lacking in your life. I do hope you find them; you won't ever be happy by comparing yourself to your neighbour.

Lovely post @Allisgoodtoday
You're so right, being happy and content is worth its weight in gold 💛 ❤️ 💙 💜
@greenwithenvy2 could do well to keep rereading your post.

You’re making life miserable for yourself with this envy. Just let it go.

Enjoy what you have and the feeling of security that your ISAs give you.

You work hard, - so enjoy the fruits of your work rather than rubbishing it!

You went researching your neighbours' wealth ? 😳😥

The OP isn't coming back (can't blame her for that - she's taken quite a kicking). I hope that she's reflecting on whether her approach to life is the one most likely to bring her happiness

But I'm not holding my breath

Stop thinking about it. You aren't then, can't live their life, not even the bits of it you think you know about

What do you want out of your life? Family experiences or money? Because you can't necessarily chase them both satisfactorily

As someone else has already said, you are stealing your own happiness with this jealous comparison

Oops! I missed a page or 2, didnt I?

Sorry @greenwithenvy2 should you ever return i hope you are less bothered by this

Why are you being so materialistic?

Be grateful for what you have. Look for meaning in life, not money.

So you are jealous of your neighbours and are bitter and disgusted at them, because they did something you would find too stressful and you wouldn't want that responsibility? Shouldn't you instead feel disappointed that you and your partner aren't as driven as your neighbours, and perhaps ashamed that your reaction to their years of investment, responsibility and stress result in you being disgusted at their achievements? You are being very unreasonable @greenwithenvy2

I wouldn't want to be a landlord because I consider profiteering from a basic human right nasty. You don't make money from being a landlord by being a decent human - you do it by allowing your tenants to freeze in the winter whilst to try to hire the cheapest plumber to fix your boiler.