To think that DD(8) and DD(1) will always have to share a room when older?

[roomnightmare]

NC’d

I have 3DC: DD 8, DS 6 and DD under 1. DD2 is my DH’s child, older two have a different (same) dad. Before I get comments about bad planning, DD2 was a, very usually reliable, contraceptive failure. Obviously I’m thrilled she’s here now but we didn’t plan at all on having more children.

Currently in a two bedroom flat with a home office that we’ve made DS’ room. It has a high rise bed with his drawers and toys underneath and that’s it, it’s very small. We’d always planned to upsize but we can only afford a 3 bed here and even then, not many are in our price range. We can’t leave the area for so many logistical reasons and even if we could, DD8 would struggle greatly with moving and it would be detrimental to her happiness and well-being.

DS would actually love to share a room with DD2 but that’s not feasible long-term. DD2 is still in our room and will be until we move.

We’re viewing a 3 bedroom house which I’m trying not to get too excited about but would be ideal in terms of it being 3 proper bedrooms and it also has a very small home study which would mean that DD2 could have a cot/toddler bed in it and that she wouldn’t need to share with DD8 until she was out of the toddler years. But given that we can’t widen our potential area, AIBU to think that they will always need to share a room? Dining rooms are very rare here and if you’re lucky you might get a kitchen diner but not a separate dining room. I feel bad for DD8 as when she’s a teenager it won’t be amazing for her; I’d mitigate it as much as I could by letting her have friends round and either giving them the lounge or the bedroom and keep DD2 downstairs or in my room when she wants her friends over and again giving her peace to study when it comes to it. Has anyone else been in this situation? I feel like a bad mum but 3 bedrooms are usually £150k less than 4 bedrooms here and I don’t have that extra £150k+.

Sorry if the DD 2 is confusing, I just mean my second DD who is a baby.

Exactly.

Honestly OP I don't think this is a huge deal.

I have four kids, the youngest was a bit of a surprise and is six years younger than the next youngest. We've never had enough rooms for all to have their own, and they've all shared at various points.

In the end what worked best was for youngest to share with her eldest sister, who is 12 years older. This seemed to work just fine, it really is a small thing in life. Eldest is out in her own place and working now, but when she comes home on holidays she uses her old bed and youngest is just massively thrilled to have her there, in fact often she'll go sleep in her bed with her.

It honestly is, look it up. Not sure why you think it's something to laugh at 😒

It's really not ok is it. Same as it wasn't ok for their previous landlord to kick them out with 2 babies under 6 months old. And the " emergency" housing they were given they've now been in for years. Can't afford a 3 bed private rental ( or a 2 for that matter) and if they were to give up their current place they'd not get anywhere secure.

Shit happens you know. It's not as though they had more kids while being overcrowded

I'm laughing at you thinking anyone who shares a room is some sort of over breeding scumbag.

Plenty of kids share rooms. It's fine. Look on rightmove at the number of houses with bunk beds. Most of my kids friends share a room.

Is the lounge maybe large enough to divide some off as a ‘ room ‘ .

Ok so everyone with 3 children has a minimum of a 4 bed house? If you say so.

I suppose my parents were neglectful have my brothers after me then as we only bad3 bedrooms

Please could you point me to the source of shared rooms as a poverty indicator? All my searching is bringing up is how there are thousands of children who don't even have a bed or share a bed with parents/ siblings.

My son was in a slightly larger than toddler bed not a single bed from ikea until he was 9, and we are a tall family.

does that house have a garage you could convert or space outside enough to extend if funds allow in the future? If they need to share then they need to share, but you never know what you might be able to work.

I'm sure there are outliers, but surely as part of responsible family planning this would be an important consideration. It's important for people, especially teens to have their own space. A home should be a sanctuary, not a chaotic space.

I think our cot bed said it was good for up to about age 8 - which would mean they might not have to share for a good while yet. I shared with a significantly younger sister at age 15-18, and it was fine. There was another sister between us, but it worked better to have the bigger gap - it meant my sister was asleep by the time I went to bed, so I could put my bedside light on without disturbing her (with the sister closer in age, we argued all the time about things like that).

I would recommend, if they're likely have to share later on, that it gets mentioned regularly so that it does not come as a shock to a stroppy teen when it becomes necessary. You could also turn the study into her "den" at that point, so she has somewhere private to work and chill until bedtime.

Yes and then people grow into adults and have to share again anyway 😬😅 And not just the room but the bed too!

Yet that never seems to get spoken or debated about 🤣

At least room sharing might prepare you somewhat better for that.

I shared with a sibling until I moved out at 18. My home was a sanctuary and not the chaos you seem to think arises from sharing a bedroom.

My dc all share rooms. Most of their friends do too, it's only really the children who don't have siblings the same sex who have their own rooms.

Forgot to add, i think it's good for children to share.

Haven’t caught up on all of the comments but re the house we went to see today - there was no study, it used to be but it had a staircase fitted instead for the loft conversion. Dh doesn’t want to make an offer anyway but I think it was a big factor for him.

I shared with my sister until she left home with the same age gap. I didn't think it was an issue but my sister would probably say differently. Especially that day I read her diary....😂

We are now extremely close as grown ass adults with teenage/adult children of our own.

What the heck is ‘normal’?? You mean normals for you, your limited life experience and your social circle.
You do know that room sharing and even bed sharing is extremely common and ‘normal’ to billions of children across the globe. And most of them grow up perfectly happy and well.
Having a room for each child is a uniquely 1st world and higher income privilege.

My nieces aged 16 and 11 share and always have done, because they also have a brother and they live with their parents in a totally normal 3 bed semi...in a nice area...

It's really not at all unusual or a problem

Well, no. I don't consider room sharing an unbearable hardship so didn't factor it into my planning. I genuinely didn't realise some people thought it was so awful. It was just normal for me growing up and still seems pretty common among my friends.

Your choice of words is very telling, a home with shared rooms isn't automatically chaos. Guess you're in circles where you've never actuality seen it and are basing your impressions on daily mail stereotypes of poverty.

I'm still waiting for someone to point me to which organisation/ document states that merely sharing a room is an indicator of poverty.

But aren't you supposed to want better for your children, just because you shared, why should they? Tbh I'm really shocked at how many people don't think it's an issue now. The only person I knew growing up who shared were my much older cousins (there were 6 of them in a 3 bed house and another where there were 5 of them in a 3 bed house) this was back in the early 80s when they were teens. Google it, but surely it's common sense! It's not the only indicator, but it's one of many.

It's only very recently that children have mainly had their own rooms, years ago they shared, people had more children, and with the cost of housing nowadays it will become the norm again.

It’s fine to have a 3 bed house with 3 children. You and DH have the master bedroom, 2 daughters have the second biggest room and your son has the smallest room. My brothers shared a room and I had several friends who shared with their sister (all with several years age gap).

It’s only on Mumsnet where women will demand that you give the master bedroom to the girls or you share a room with the youngest until the eldest has moved out or you sleep in the living room.

Honestly, the only way I want better for my daughter is in some of the attitudes and approaches to the world my parents had. I'm perfectly happy with how I grew up materially, we never went hungry, we always had some things we wanted even if not everything and I learnt the value of money and hardwork. I have so many wonderful memories of things we did together.

I've never actually thought to put into words how I want better for my daughter so thanks for the question and making me clarify that to myself.

6 year gap between me and my sister and we shared until she went to uni. 7 year gap between my two brothers who also shared until older one went to uni. I don’t see an issue at all.