AIBU to tire of moral superiority around meals?

[Spinmerightroundbaby]

I think if women/mothers have the time to spend cooking nutritious meals and enjoy doing it, that’s a beautiful thing. I have noticed though, there’s a tendency just lately for judgement towards parents who sometimes opt for frozen foods, takeaways or less healthy options.

AIBU to think that as long as there is a balance and your family isn’t on KFC every day, people should keep snooty attitudes to themselves as the odd frozen meal or microwave dinner isn’t a big deal? Especially if it means you have more quality time with your children rather than fussing about in the kitchen? Especially for working mothers too who are generally time poor and low energy.

It just feels like it’s the whole BF versus formula feeding disagreement but it’s become a bit more prevalent (in my locality at least) and I find it a bit tiresome. To me it feels like mostly now, this isn’t even about women wanting to do right by their children, it is about perception. They want to be perceived as ‘good’ mothers when children care more about quality time with their parents.

I would be over the moon if my daughter's school had such a thing as honey mustard chicken 😆They do have some pasta dishes and a day with fish but the quality is generally really bad, as I said my daughter has mentioned half frozen food and I've seen with my own eyes that it's all a bit grim and skimpy. The alternatives for when they run out or have a day they can't provide the expected lunches are poor as well. They do have a soup, plus fruit and yogurt available every day so there is a glimmer. @DeafLeppard - I dread to think what the council is considering 'reasonable' in general.

Not all home made meals take hrs to cook. Once in a while a freezer/takeaway is okay but not very often

I did Chinese Cashew Chicken yesterday, which is one of the less healthy meals I'd make due to the sauces (I try to use lower sodium options. Other than the rice cooker time, which takes care of itself, it takes 5 minutes to prep ingredients and then 15 to cook. Not hard labour.

Interesting comments on these threads and I think definitely judgey but why?

Airfryers are great, I have a big one and I cook great roasts (meat and potatoes cooked at the same time), slow cooked casseroles, pressure cooked pulses. I can cook a whole meal for 4 in one go. Why is eating a burger seen as ‘bad’, it’s literally beef with seasoning, the same as Spag Bol. On a sourdough roll or in between an iceburg lettuce wrap with cheese and tomato - that’s a good meal. Why is pizza ‘bad’? It’s literally a bread base with tomato sauce and cheese on top. Yes if you are buying cheap and over processed but not if you’re making from scratch or buying good quality.

Not all home made meals take forever

teaching your children real life skills from cooking to the fact that playtime is limited by life is important- it’s true quality time

what children want isn’t always what is best for them

not all frozen food is bad

giving your children good health and realistic attitudes and understanding of life is so very important that if you feel you are being judged ( as opposed to taking offence due to internalised guilt ) it may be worth thinking about this

I teach and I used to complain to my colleague who oversaw operations including the canteen and catering and her reply was always that they fulfilled the guidelines. Just looked beige to me with some sorry, overcooked veg occasionally and tiny portions.

I don't think any of those are bad, but they can be made 'bad' (though even then, occasionally, oh well, who cares?). If I make burgers, it's with a 100% meat patty. I make it myself. The ingredients of the ones in the store are just not on for me. Home-made pizza fine, the bought ones can be very fatty and high in sodium. Nothing wrong with bolognaise, though some of the premade sauces can be very high in sugar. You can also make that sort of thing healthier by using different pastas to the usual refined wheat based ones. Your list sounds good, depending on the source, to me.

Anything taken to extreme is unhealthy, if not physically then mentally.

Clean food, clean living, exercise, arranging cupboards.
Our kids live in a world where they can be, and will be more as they turn into adults, judged on every little thing, every mistake can potentially be posted online for eternity.
And whilst it's pressure for them, and we tell them they just have to own the social embarrassment, we also don't want them to be judgemental pricks either.

A lot of people are increasingly aware of the importance of the food we eat, not just UPF, but variety, quality of raw ingredients, quantity, but also how you eat, who you eat with, your relationship with food and how you cook, that food is best with company, taken time over.

Of course modern living doesn't always mean you can do this so aiming to eat as well as you can, when you can is good enough. But that is part of the problem nowadays, trying to be good enough is seen by some as still being a failure. It shouldn't be but it is.

Isn't the whole point about cheap and over processed v fresh? I don't think anyone is suggesting that pizza as a meal is inherently bad.

Going down the organic, cooking from scratch route can take up a lot of a lot of time and effort.
So spare a thought for the parents who are trying to do their best for their kids while juggling other responsibilities. Their thoughts might spill over into conversations at the school gate. And they get judged for being self righteous…

In reality, every normal household occasionally gets takeaway and eats frozen food. I think it’s a minority who don’t do that, so I don’t agree with your view.

I never do frozen food, unless you count having frozen fruit and veges as a back up available. I also have frozen pesto from when I had a glut of basil in my garden. However, yesterday I did have a cheeseburger from McDonald's on the way home from an appointment. It was delicious. haha

Was it though?

Used to be it was having an opinion, but I suppose that doesn't sound as bitchy as using the word judgmental.

Which in my opinion is a word that's over used now a day's.

My eldest is 30 and there was judging back then too. You can call it having an opinion, which it was, but you bet some people judged others who made different decisions. Mothers did tend to make friendship groups with people who were like-minded, so it didn't matter so much.

I voted YABU because of this point and came on to say exactly this.

OP, are you a refugee from the 1970s? Why are you normalising it being just the woman's responsibility to feed a family? Especially if both parents are working.

DH and I are in our 60s, been married thick end of 40 years. We have always shared all cooking, housework and childcare. Most people we know were the same.

Yes!

One of my favourite sayings.

Mumsnet is the worst place for food judgement and moral superiority. A huge number people are very weird about food.

I think there's a difference between having an opinion on the optimum way to raise kids, and having an opinion on what other people do compared to your most excellent self.

OP hasn’t been back.

Who have you discussed this with or heard judgmental comments from? Or is this just online?

I’ve never really discussed family food with mum friends, other than complimenting the cooking if being hosted or exchanging the odd moan about drudgery or picky DC!

It bores me to death, I really couldn't care less what other people are feeding their kids. Whether it's organic, UPF, fairtrade or crispy pancakes. They're not my kids. If kids are being genuinely neglected, talk to the parents or call social services but otherwise just get on with your own business. Loudly fretting over other people's parenting choices just seems like a strange waste of time.

I'll never forget coming back from a whole day of swimming on the train with my then 5 year old. We'd grabbed McDonald's quickly and ate it on the train. The women and her two kids at the table to the left of us were clearly appalled at this clear child abuse 😂 So I let her enjoy some more indignation by getting out my phone and playing Minecraft with my son.

Once you learn to see what that kind of judgement is, it's easier to ignore it and have your peace.

Its very easy to make decent quality healthy meals quickly and for not a lot of £ BUT you need to know how and have access to a proper kitchen and have some basics in.
We rarely eat takeaways because they are generally pretty awful and I can knock up a pizza or curry thats far better and cheaper in the time it would take one to arrive. Mc D .or KFC was a very rare treat for my kids, although DS does love a subway and I am sure when he starts college in September he will go much more often with his friends
I DO judge people like my brother and SIL who despite having a very nice and flash kitchen, plenty of money and enough time always fed their kids utter crap. After a couple of days of staying there DD (then around 3) actually asked for fruit!!!!

I wholeheartedly agree!

I’m lucky in that most people I know are like me. Their food intake is a mixture of homemade and convenience food, so I don’t get raised eyebrows when I mention oven chips or chicken nuggets. I cooked most things from scratch up until two years ago (even the fecking fish fingers) and then my mum died. I fell apart and I’m still not anything like back to normal. So I muddle along as best I can. That’s why you should never judge anyone else. You don’t know what is going on in their lives - mental health issues, neurodivergence, bereavement, lack of confidence and loads of other stuff. Also, having a mentally ill child whose food intake is negligible, makes life much, much harder and you find yourself prioritising other things.

Just because I’m fat doesn’t mean I’m eating takeaways weekly though
I cook from scratch, I eat fruit and veg and salad, I make bloody béchamel for lasagne and cook more than any of my colleagues. I have a McDonald’s monthly maybe and an actual takeaway less often because I can’t afford it

The conversation around UPFs is relatively recent. Certainly we’ve all known for a while that “convenience foods” weren’t ideal but UPFs weren’t seen as harmful as they are today.

We try and limit the intake of UPFs as much as possible but I don’t manage that all of the time. And I suspect that contrary to what’s being claimed on this thread, that many households with working parents are like ours: healthy most nights but with the occasional freezer dinner here and there.

The kids like baked beans - we probably use those once a fortnight or so. DS likes spaghetti hoops. He might have those instead of beans. I’ve just bought some chicken kievs from Ocado - they’re processed but I buy the best quality I can. Ditto lasagne etc.

I love cooking from scratch but I just can’t do it every single night, for multiple reasons.

I disagree that occasional UPFs are going to do them “serious harm”. If your diet is perfect then all credit to you - but it doesn’t reflect the reality for many households, for many reasons.

I love seeing threads where posters pass on tips for healthy meals that are super-speedy. That’s genuinely helpful. Threads that just slam people who don’t cook from scratch every night? Not so much.

Maintenance Phase podcast debunking the concept of ‘UPFs’ is an interesting listen.