Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

He’s not the one for you.
Getting so drunk, behaving inappropriately not making sense, blaming you and final straw talking about using prostitutes.
I’d end it now you’ve not known him long. What a knob he’s shown his true colours.

Could he not stay off the drink for one day?

I don’t know why he accepted a ‘couple of bottles’ how was that going to make a good impression on your parents??

He left a bad impression because he is walking bad impression, he is a write off.

I hope you are seeing that now too.

Put him in the bin. First impressions count and your parents will never warm to him.

I could get past the bad first impression if he owned it and tried to make amends. The fact he is blaming you is totally unacceptable.

I have voted YANBU as it wasn’t your fault, but you would be VU to carry on dating him. If my child brought someone like this home they would never be invited back.

yeh… I’m on your side and it sounds like he isn’t a keeper. But why on earth did your parents need to know what his friends’ jobs were? Are they fairly judgmental?

Have not heard the term brass for years

Why don't you try it again and see if he can behave himself. If he messes up again , he either feels uncomfortable in those kinds of situations or he can't be bothered. Maybe he has no filter.

I’m very sorry to say this, but his behaviour is a reflection on his feelings for you. If he was super into you, he’d be dying to make a great first impression and wouldn’t have gone out, wouldn’t have done shots to make his stomach dodgy and wouldn’t have acted like a tit in front of your parents.
He sounds incredibly immature, he’s gaslighting you, and you can do better.

Or puking because he’s hungover?!

Well yeah, the same thing essentially though?

Really , throw him back and find someone better. You sound young enough to have plenty of time to kiss loads of frogs.
Believe me from someone who has been there. Life too short to waste on wasters.

This with bells on

I can picture your parents in my mind. My parents would have rolled their eyes and laughed at that!

Maybe it a sign from the universe he is not the right one.

He said no the first few times asked, so obviously he either felt it would make him feel better or he felt maybe the parents really wanted him to take something.

He’s done you a massive favour showing you who he is. He made a choice to show up hungover. He’s a twat. End it and move on

I have re-read it and cannot find the part where he blames her? what bit gives you that impression?

Your parents would laugh at a man saying his friends go out for a pint a curry and a prostitute? That's pretty rough. But I suppose guys like the boyfriend grow up and become parents too - and stay the same.

He was either still a bit drunk or massively hungover going to the parents (mid afternoon)

He had a hair of the dog and got visibly drunk

He was dead rough in what he said to the parents

And then he told the OP it was all her fault because she picked a stupid date.

He wouldn't be for me.

I have a son not a daughter, but if he brought a mate round and they used the term ‘brass’ they would be put of my door, with my foot up their arse.

It s a highly derogatory term and to then blame you for his behaviour, you seriously need to get rid. He has shown you what a nasty, misogynistic, t**t he is.

where does it say he is blaming her? I wonder if a part of her thread has been deleted as I can't see that.

Sorry but I think I’d throw this one back. The going to toilet etc is not a problem for me, but to not be able to make polite conversation for a short period of time is pretty worrying even if he was hung over. It’s not like he had to discuss philosophy or the evolution of man. If the reference to ‘brass’ meant sex worker, for me that is just a no go as it shows a pretty unpleasant regard for women to put it mildly. Finally, the trying to turn it all around on you is also not acceptable. There were multiple points when he could’ve acted as a grown up but chose not to. And now he makes out like you are the problem. The good thing is you’ve not been with him long. Throw him back. If you accept this behaviour now, I fear you will face further nonsense going forward and life is too short. No one is perfect but I don’t think he meets the baseline requirements of being a grown up. I think you deserve better x

Dump!

@Safaribar it's in the title

I don't think you can give him a hard time about using the loo and if that was the reason he made a bad impression, then you and your parents are ridiculous.

I think you can if it's a possibility he's throwing up due to a hang over!

My main issue would be his flippancy about his mates using prostitutes. My worry would be that he does, too.

He really doesn't sound like the kind of man you need to be tying yourself to long term, OP.

It's only been a few months. Would you be awfully sad to let this one go?