Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Absolutely not. It’s still early days - leave him, he sounds like he’s got a hell of a lot of growing up to do.

Believe me, get rid. Quickly

Good Grief is there anything more to say other than he is definitely not future husband/ partner material and really disrespectful to you as well as your parents. The brass remark is the last straw.

I've heard it and I'm not from London.
I think brass is the shortened term for brass screw.

OP it is with the best of intentions that I say he's shown you who he is.

If he'd cared enough about what your parents thought - he'd have been home at a reasonable time and not so drunk.

He made a choice not to. He also made a choice to deflect the blame and make you feel crap.

You've shown him you will be empathetic and understanding once a few days have passed and move on.

So the cycle has been established. It's a long and heartbreaking road. Except you'll be 10 years down the line, with small kids and fed up of dealing with his excuses.

Get rid.

Bin.

Early 30's making a comment like that ... out of order he was in yours and your parents company not his mates he was so wrong to behave this way where is his respect .. he sounds immature op .

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
Run a mile.

I fear OP is a lost cause… it’s so sad to see what people put up with.

This is not a good man OP. Your parents must be so worried for you! And still you say “you brought it up at the wrong time” You did not! Why do you think that?

I can just imagine the kind of conversation that is on going in your parents house!
Am sure they will have been hoping for so much more for their daughter.
He won’t improve - get rid now.

Did he say these things spontaneously, or was he just repeating your complaints back to you and agreeing with you?
eg... Hi I just wanted you to know I was wrong to blame you or
You.. You were wrong to blame me.
Him ... Yes I can see that now. I really was.

There's a BIG difference.
The first, he's realised what he's done wrong and wants to apologise
The second, he's hearing what you are complaining about and he knows if he repeats it back as an apology you will forgive him.. but the idea didn't come from him so there's a real chance he is just paying lip service to end the argument.. and once again shut you up.

Also.. did you end up apologising for bringing it up the next day.. and say that you agreed it was the wrong time... Why was it the wrong time? When is the right time? Again.. was that a thought that came from him? One of his justifications? "You shouldn't have brought it up the next day?" "Yes I agree I was wrong to do that." ie, he is clearly at fault, but he's making out that you also did something wrong. You didn't!

To me that sounds almost exactly like the same technique of him blaming you for it all again. He's said a few soothing phrases to stop you going on about it, whilst finding something to prove you were also at fault. Gaslighting alert!!!

You weren't wrong. The day it happened was the right time to bring it up, before he could re write history, minimise his actions, have more time to think up reasons why it wasn't as bad as it seemed, give you time to "calm" down and want to move forward.

At age 30 plus.. He's just too old to fall over to peer pressure from a load of "lads".. that says he's either intimidated, wants to conform to their laddish ideals or wants to impress them. Any or all of those reasons are extremely immature.

Do you want kids? Think ahead a few years if he doesn't start to grow up very very quickly - to you being at home with two kids while he's out boozing with his peer group, doing shots and lord knows what else... and you want him to look after them the next day... There's a thread on here somewhere at the moment that is exactly that... The wife wanted to work but the DH was too busy throwing up and too drunk to look after the baby and toddler so she could go out for a few hours. She does all the child care, whilst he goes out and socialises with his football buddies.

Anyway, I'm glad he apologised and that you will be watching his behaviour more closely. How many strikes will you give him going forward?

She’s in denial and backtracking, laying blame at his friends feet, she certainly won’t learn until it’s too late.
The bar is set so low, that a baby could crawl over it!

Please save yourself some future heartache and ditch this manboy asap. This is just the start and he will become a millstone around your neck. He should have been interested in giving a good impression. It should have been important to him. He is clearly irresponsible, disrespectful and immature. At present you can still get out without being tied to him. He is unlikely to improve over time because you want him too. If this is how he is in his 30's this is as good as it gets for the key years of your lives (eg marriage, starting a family and being parents). Get married and start a family with with a man child and you are in for a long hard slog of a life, shouldering all the responsibility for kids and the man child - this takes its toll on your health and wellbeing. Get out now whilst you are not particularly committed to each other. This is a huge red flag as to who he really is.

You’d be mad to spend any more time with him. Another idiot man-child.

THAT show is his best. It will not get any better.

I'm also a Londoner. This was common slang when I was young. It was central in the script of "Fings Ain't Wot They Used t'Be"(stage version, anyway, which had Barbara Windsor in it), and you'll also hear it in "Steptoe and Son".

It means a sex-worker/prostitute, but can also mean, by extension, "a woman of easy virtue" - so, on a par with "slag" or "town bike".
Not exactly the vocabulary you'd expect from bf interested in making a good first impression with parents.
I'd ex- him, no question.

Run for the hills @MerryLeahand don’t look back.

He's a fucking man child. Dump him. Seriously. He took a series of bad decisions, and then had the temerity to blame you.

He sounds like made an accurate first impression - he’s an arse, you know it, your parents know it. It doesn’t seem likely you’ll leave though so he’ll do what he likes

If you're looking for someone to shift the blame for their shortcomings onto you for the rest of your life, who gets irresponsibly drunk with 'the lads' every 6 months and eventually cheats on you with prostitutes, then by all means continue this relationship.

Alternatively, thank your lucky stars for the relatively early warning and run for the hills.

If I were your mum, I'd try to avoid saying anything so that i didn't drive a wedge between us of you decided to continue seeing him but I would be absolutely horrified.

And I'll wager cocaine is in the mix as well.
Op he's a prick and you should be aiming higher there's definitely better out there.

Gosh leave him.

Find a nice guy!

When would have been the right time according to him @MerryLeah?

So after his apologies..he still turned it back on op.. what a waste of space.

I think the point is that you wouldn't hang out with somebody whose values are abhorrent to you.The fact that he sees them at all - and is okay with their values- speaks volumes about him.