Boyfriend made awful first impression with my parents and blames me

[MerryLeah]

My Boyfriend met my parents for the first time yesterday and it was a disaster.

This was arranged weeks ago and at the time, I said to him that as he had a planned day out for a friends birthday the day before, that we could decline and find another date. He was absolutely adamant he’d feel fine on the Sunday and that he wouldn’t be drinking heavily, even saying this would give him an excuse to be home early.

Fast forward to Saturday, he gets home to mine (don’t live together but he was staying here) later than he says (just gone midnight) and is steaming drunk, but still tells me he will be fine the next day and ‘hangovers don’t affect’ him.

We were meeting my parents at their house for a roast and turned up as agreed mid-afternoon. My boyfriend uses the loo twice in the first 30/40 minutes (for 5+ minutes each time) and again in the middle of eating lunch. He said to me his stomach was playing up from the day before.

He initially declined any alcohol when my parents offered but eventually said he would have some, and this was just as if he was topping up as after a couple of bottles of beer he perked right up but wasn’t making a lot of sense in terms of what he was saying.

My Dad asked him about his friends and what sort of things they do for a living. He said that some of them haven’t really grown up much and still live for the weekend. He worded this really inappropriately ‘their Saturday is a day out in town for a few beers, football, a curry and a brass’. I could tell from the look on my parents faces they were really taken aback.

When we got home I told him that I felt he let me down and he was really defensive and said it was a stupid choice of date given he had a friends birthday the day before. I told him he didn’t have to go on this date and even if he said on the morning he was unwell, we could have cancelled.

AIBU thinking this is all on him? I don’t know what more I could have done. To pre-empt some questions, we are coming up to 5/6 months together and we’ve not had any issues up to this point.

Lol

Come on, it’s a fairly normal getting to know your future son-in-law question, and as it turns out, a good job he asked it.

I’d be gutted if DD brought this kind of total fucknut home with her.

How cool.🙄

Picture me as you picture op's parents: I'd want better for my DD.

I've never heard it. I'm 66. I've never been in the company of men who speak like that about women.

👏🏻

what a weird thing to say and how the fuck is it your fault

before you said his age i would have said he sounded about 20

Bloody hell OP, the red flags are marching in unison here!

Dump him asap as he’s clearly a prick only interested in himself and in a new-ish relationship, any decent men would be really keen to make a good first impression with the parents.

Otherwise, you’ll be in for a lifetime of apologising for his drunken behaviour and feeling embarrassed by him.

You deserve much better!!!

He sounds appalling and disrespectful. You accept this ...you set a very very low bar for his treatment of you.
A decent person would have apologised, maybe taken flowers for Mum and a gift for Dad and said sorry I was an idiot on Sunday. This is a huge red flag for how he values you

Why on earth would being nervous mean someone starts talking about using prostitutes?

I've never heard the expression but I would hazard a guess it was a derogatory term about women.

Lucky you!

This is who he really is. Low class.
Your parents must be so disappointed for you, that this is all you think you deserve.

A hungover, uncouth yob who openly mentions his peers use sex workers.

Bloody hell OP, if you don't have a rough background, surely you can understand your family must be appalled.

He blamed you for his awful behaviour.

THAT is the real him. Low class.

Is this really who you want to be with long term?

I would run for the hills, he was very disrespectful to you and your parents. He will a life long disappointment.

Agree. He either fucked up spectacularly because he’s a total disappointment or he fucked up because he’s looking for a way out or he fucked up because he’s indifferent.

All of those are bad.

Oh this is achingly familiar to me as my boyfriend did a similar thing with my parents. Along the lines of ‘what job do you want to do when you leave Uni?’
His reply… ‘Something that pays a lot, I don’t have to do much work, and there are fit birds in the office’ 😱
Unsurprisingly my parents hated him and put A LOT of pressure on me to end the relationship.
I dug my heels in, and refused to break up with him on their say so.
OP, don’t be like me and waste years of your life on a waste of space man.
If he cared about you, he would have turned up, not hungover and charmed your parents.

He went out and behaved in a way that knowingly could jeopardise an important event the following day. That's the level of respect he has shown you and your family. This cannot be the only issue you've ever encountered with him...

There was a TV series ages ago … can’t remember the name but it was about sex workers and had the name brass in the title. In any case, living in a “rough area” does not force men to use sex workers.

He sounds extremely not classy - putting aside anything to do with the parents, is the fact that all his friends go out for beers, curry and prostitutes not enough to put you off? Unless this was just a poorly thought through joke and they don’t actually do anything of the sort? If he was literally describing what they get up to then I think you can do a lot better! Find someone who has an interesting hobby or cool friends, or at the very least really good social skills.

Prostitute, yes

Let him sleep off the hangover and then have a chat. You say he was incoherent and still a bit drunk at the parents house so he was still all over the place when he said it was your fault. He is absolutely in the wrong about blaming you, but maybe wait and see if he U turns on that when sober. If he doesn't then I agree he isn't a good one.

WTF? You seriously think a man that's only emotionally abusive when drunk is acceptable?! 😱

Do not settle. You deserve more and you will find someone better. Don’t do it to yourself. Listen to your gut and be true to your values!

His friends use sex workers and he blames you for things that are completely his fault? You should dump him.

I Googled the TV series Brass and it turns out it was Band of Gold.

I wouldn’t bother unpicking the situation OP, the fact he blamed you speaks for itself. Unless you held him down and used a funnel to force shots down him, which seems unlikely, it was his choice to drink them.

The entire event was a red flag, never mind if he’d not waved them before. 🤮

I had follow-up comments.