Child’s friend insulted house

[Spicychili]

As heading- my daughter’s 8 year old friend came over to play and kept asking why our house and garden are so small and commenting on it. This is a sore point as most kids at their school have larger houses! I overheard them so didn’t get involved in the discussion. My daughter seemed to brush it off. AIBU to be upset by this or is this normal?

My son when to a new friends house and came back saying how enormous it was, with two kitchens, a pool and so on. He was about 7 at the time so it would not have surprised me if he had said while there ‘wow two kitchens and a pool that’s so cool’. He didn’t equate it with the family being very rich, he was just wowed by it (as well as the real tiger skin rug with head). I can imagine his friend coming to ours and saying our garden was tiny (it was then) and we certainly didn’t have two kitchens or a pool!
Saying things in a sneery way is different from saying facts and I expect an 8 year old is just commenting not judging.

Course you can. Don’t be such a wet lettuce.

This reminds me of the time I had one of my godchildren round and she went out of the sitting room for a minute, reappeared looking aghast and saying “so you LIVE in JUST these rooms?”

It doesn’t matter how big your house is!

It's odd that she kept commenting on and on rather than just mentioning the size, but perhaps you're picking up on it more than normal as you're already sensitive to your house being smaller than others in the area. I'd just check with your daughter to make sure she hasn't been upset, if you think she might be. Don't bring the specific comments up directly but just ask if she had a nice time with her friend and let her tell you if anything's bothering or puzzling her. If not, let it go.

My 8-year-old DS wouldn't think about house size being correlated with wealth (I don't think so anyway). It's possible your DD's friend does think that way, but equally possible it's a completely innocent comment.

I'd ignore it.

You’ve just reminded me that when we were newly living in London in our first jobs, and had a one-bed flat next to a halfway house, DH brought back his rather posh west London book group for a meeting. Two of them said ‘Can we see the rest of the flat?’, apparently labouring under the delusion that the floor above must also be ours. I had to point out that as they were sitting in the kitchen-dining-living room, and had left their coats in the bedroom next door, they had in fact already seen it apart from the bathroom.😀

I then had to console them for being terribly, terribly embarrassed.

Wow. You honestly get involved in 8-year-olds dramas? And would call a child a b*tch? I take it you are an adult? You are willing to write such things on a public forum? And then have the temerity to call out an 8-year-old's rudeness?

She's 8. My DD has a friend of around the same age who always says our house is messy, she's round a lot because her Mum throws her kids out for the day and doesn't let anyone in, so it makes sense her house would be tidy! I don't get my feelings hurt by small children.

I hope that while you now have a bigger garden, and presumably a bigger house, that you do not have a real tiger skin rug with head. How awful.

My son had a friend round at about the same age, and the friend asked why we didn't have a swimming pool or an Xbox. They're now 12 and that kid is turning into a bit of an arse - very aware that his family are much wealthier than most, and willing to crow about it.

And that is absolutely fine. I'd probably, never invite the child back again tbh. Manners and kindness are important to me. Life is too short to have people around me and my children who don't share those values.

I went to a neighbour's house when I was eight and told them their house was massive and really nice because it had squishy, thick carpet, nice 'stuff' and smelled good. And they had toilet paper with roses on it and grass you could stand on.

They had the exact same house and garden size. It was just clean, furnished and not filled with clutter, assorted bits of broken furniture stacked up in front of one another, scraps of carpet, rusty bits of metal, broken glass and cat shit.

At 8, they should have been taught, for quite some time that 'just commenting' is rude.

And that is absolutely fine. I'd probably, never invite the child back again tbh. Manners and kindness are important to me. Life is too short to have people around me and my children who don't share those values.
Children don’t always have the same manners when they’re out, they’re excited- they’re kids! Your own children and all of our children have probably said things at others’ houses but we don’t know because we’re not there and their parents aren’t going to tell us unless it’s something horrific!

I wouldn’t take the slightest bit of notice. Kids talk absolute nonsense sometimes.

I remember having my eldest child’s friend round once. He told me our house was small, our garden was small, he had a bigger goal in his house and he had a pool table at his nans house 🤷‍♀️

When my youngest son went to his best friends house he came home and said to me that he thought their house would have been a bit better as it was very small and not in a very nice place. I was like “well I hope you didn’t say that because that would be very rude”. He assured me that he didn’t.

Then he went to another friends house and came back and told me how their house was so much better than ours and they had a playroom, when I reciprocated the play date, ds said that he’d rather go to the other boys house as their house was bigger and better than ours.

I can say hand on heart that I’ve been in all of these houses (including my own of course). We all live in 3 bed semis, all the houses are the same size, standard and in the same area.

When my son was about 5 he had a habit of commenting on how clean other people's houses were in a tone of absolute amazement which always made me feel the need to explain that we do also clean our house, honest.

Kids don't necessarily mean things in a bad way, they just comment on things they see are different as it's of interest to them.

That depends on what you are comparing @Username0900

If I was the parent of one of your children’s friends, I absolutely would not give a shit about what size your house is.

I’d give a shit that my child had made a friend who was kind and fun and when they visited your home, were welcomed and looked after when in your care.

Anyone who thinks differently is incredibly shallow.. and who gives a shit what a shallow person thinks??

I re bet years ago a much more wealthy friends mum drove me home . I lived in a tied house as my mother worked on the estate. When I pointed out where to stop, she stared at the house and said ” you live here?” In an incredulous tone of voice. I just wish I’d been able to think of a sharp retort! Perhaps I should have said” yes, it’s amazing how one can live in such a hovel!”

Just to wade in, I went to a London private school, back in the days of assisted places. This meant that there were girls from a VERY broad range of families in different income brackets...

I feel a bit silly admitting this, but I actually didn't make the connection between house size and wealth for years and years. Even as an older teenager I didn't really compute it - I thought families would choose to live in bigger or smaller places because they wanted to 😝 I can't remember when I realised tbh.

I do think it was an easier time because none of us had phones or anything, we all wore a uniform so we weren't thinking about clothes etc - so less opportunity for kids to 'show' how wealthy (or not) they were. I was being a bit dim but it's just illustrative to show how kids aren't really making those connections -particularly not aged 8!

You’re not unreasonable to feel a bit upset, but 8year olds often don't have much of a filter, and the size or otherwise of your house is not a reflection on you personally, so don’t take it to heart.

Asking an 8 year old to be grateful is putting an older head on young shoulders. Aren't you supposed to be a parent. FGS children say all sorts of things, get over it, they are children

Wow, didn’t expect there to be so much traffic on this. I personally can’t see any problem at all. It’s an 8 year old who of course is going to be curious if they’re used to their personal circle having mainly large houses. From OPs post, all child did is ask her friend why. She didn’t insult anyone. So I don’t understand those responses calling the child ‘rude’ and they wouldn’t invite them back?! Essentially punishing them for being a curious child?!

Also, OP needs to grow a thicker skin if she’s getting hurt at such tame Qs. Girls especially can be incredibly spiteful and manipulative from tweens onward and she’ll need to be able to offer measured and calm guidance when her DD inevitably comes to her with at least one or so issues as she’s growing up.

Wouldn't bother me at all. Children only know what they know so she knows what her house is and stayed a fact, to her it's small. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it, houses just come in different sizes which shel learn.

That is just sooo adorably hilarious lol! Like something out of Outnumbered 😅