Child’s friend insulted house

[Spicychili]

As heading- my daughter’s 8 year old friend came over to play and kept asking why our house and garden are so small and commenting on it. This is a sore point as most kids at their school have larger houses! I overheard them so didn’t get involved in the discussion. My daughter seemed to brush it off. AIBU to be upset by this or is this normal?

One of my DD's friends stood in my front garden and said it was a bit overgrown. Another complained about the food. They don't have a filter and don't mean it the way an adult would. I would let it go, you can't get offended by what kids say at that age.

She's 8. She probably has little concept that spending power is different for different people, or how much things cost.

When DD was the same age she had one playdate where the girl told me how small our kitchen was and one playdate with a boy who was amazed at how big our house was (he was also impressed that we had sprinkles on icecream though) - it is all relative.

The girl who commented on the smallness of our kitchen had just had theirs done though - and the loft. I suspect her parents had talked a lot about houses and room sizes over the previous 18 months!

She was just mentioning what she noticed . Around that age my niece used to wonder with some concern where my house and husband were.

We had it from a 12 yo at the weekend.. he was saying someone we knew had a small house and one of my kids invited it by saying is it bigger or smaller than our house and he said oh no it's bigger than your house..

Our house is 4 bed detached on the edge of a village with river running through the garden and two per sheep.. but he admittedly lives in a bigger house.

it's not intended with malice. They don't mean to be rude. They are just stating facts..

I might be in the minority but I had this from girls same age with my DD, they said it with utter contempt. told me there was no way they'd go upstairs to wash their hands as we should have had a downstairs cloakroom for them, and then complained we didnt have latest tech for them to play with. Made my DD feel bad and then they'd won, you could see they were happy with the outcome.

I think it's naive to say that they are merely stating facts, I think it's a form of bullying. I'd say if the house is that small they'd best not come back!

Passing comments can still be rude. The thing is, at what age do you teach your children what good manners are?

This happened to me last week. It really hurt my son's feelings. He is 7. I did speak (gently) to the other child and said what he had said really hurt the feelings of his friends and it was not very kind. I obviously mentioned it to the mum at pickup as well. My kids live in an area where many of them have very large homes. I am of the 'it takes a village' kind so if any child in my house or in my care says something hurtful/unkind I speak to them about it. I treat them as I treat
my own when they are with me which means I will correct any unkind behaviour. I'd expect the same from any parents my children are with.

I don't think it matters how old they are, or what they mean by it. If something they say comes across as unkind and hurt someone else's feelings, it is the adult's responsibility to teach them differently, in my view.

Being kind matters.

I’ve had it from my friends daugther. They live in a much bigger house so I didn’t mind. I’ve also been told my house was messy when it was indeed messy due to having come back off holiday and clothes and washing everywhere. I just laugh it off. My kids have said mortifying things as times, kids just don’t realise what’s rude sometimes.

100%. I teach manners from the go. Being kind is important and to be honest, I think 8 is way above and beyond to make a derogatory comment, however unconscious that is. I would have told a 3 year old that it was rude, let alone an 8 year old. Especially a child who is privileged.

Posters who take offence at a comment made by an eight-year-old child need to grow up and act like adults rather than children.

Oh God, I still remember a friend of Ds's saying ' your house is lovely and messy, it's a bit mad isn't it'?
I was very harrumph.. messy?? How very dare he, but, looking around, there was crafting stuff everywhere, buckets full if craddies waiting for release, and loads of sarnie making stuff on the bench.
It WAS messy, he was right, but it was also a happy place that numerous 12 year old boys congregated during school holidays.
It wasnt the biggest, it wasn't the poshest, and it clearly wasn't the tidiest, but by God, it was a happy house.
Kids just state facts, there is no filter - just agree with them when it's true, and correct them them when it's crap😅

Re your last sentence, it’s then the parent’s job to tell them when they’ve said something rude and why it’s rude. It should be a learning moment.

My sons friend said our house was messy. He isn't wrong. We have far outgrown our house but can't afford to move so it's cluttered. I couldn't argue against it so I just brushed it off. I was mortified though

Me too!

Time to teach your own DD about money, wealth and values I think. My husband and I recently had this conversation after he spent the day with his very very wealthy friends and their children. Big beautiful house with a pool, then out to a shopping centre where the friend’s children were gifted various expensive items and allowed very expensive snacks from the stalls and so on (husband said the friend did offer to buy our DD snacks but DH declined due to not wanting ‘charity’). DD got a bit upset and asked why she couldn’t have/didn’t have what they do. She’s 3. My husband wanted to stop seeing that friend because it had upset DD, but I said we have to just explain to DD that they are rich and we are not. In a factual manner. When she is a bit more capable of understanding we will teach her that there is no shame in choosing a less affluent lifestyle/job that doesn’t pay as well, and that she has benefits they don’t (like a stay at home parent, involved grandparents etc).

Oh I don’t think it’s always innocent.

a friend had a DD who could be a right little bitch at 8- constantly looking down her nose at others. The family is wealthy and the 8 yr old was very status aware. She could also be quite manipulative and liked playing Queen bee with other girls. It made me relieved my son just played with her brother so didn’t get involved in the games.

its the kind of thing young children like to say - my house is bigger than yours.

I wouldn’t bother but make sure your DD knows that it doesn’t define her and its a choice that adults make.

my home is smaller than DBs but worth about 4x his because we live in different areas.

Nah. Its rude and should be pointed out as rude. If they don't mean it with malice, that's great. But their parents are not teaching them manners.

You could just say something like 'yes Amy, our house is a bit smaller than yours but it's rude to make comments about people's houses when you are visiting them'

add the ‘but it’s rude’ bit and no matter what that child will never go near your child again- you can’t say stuff like that to other people’s children, you’ll embarrass or terrify them!

Yes of course, and I will always speak to my kids if they say something that could be construed as rude and I hear it or am aware. However I think OP shouldn’t take this to heart or as a criticism as it’s been said by a child not intending to be harmful.

don’t be such a wet blanket! Of course
you can teach other people’s children manners when they are in your home.

You have just reminded me that I was asked about this by my friend's children. They were around 8/9, I think. They asked where my children and husband were. They were absolutely baffled. Perhaps I was one of the few of my friend's acquaintances who was both single and child free. Should I have taken offence at this? (I didn't)

Soontobesingles

diplomatically, as in ‘everyone lives in different houses’ and a shrug. If someone had said to me as a child ‘don’t be rude’ I’d have made excuses to not be near that parent again

One thing I don't understand: why is it an insult to say that someone's house is small if it is small. She must have also said something else that upset OP, surely?

You're being unreasonable. The child is 8, they're not insulting your house, they're just asking questions and don't realize it's rude nor intend for it to be rude. You're just feeling insecure and taking your feelings out on a small child.