Child’s friend insulted house

[Spicychili]

As heading- my daughter’s 8 year old friend came over to play and kept asking why our house and garden are so small and commenting on it. This is a sore point as most kids at their school have larger houses! I overheard them so didn’t get involved in the discussion. My daughter seemed to brush it off. AIBU to be upset by this or is this normal?

It’s bad mannered even at that age. A school friend came round once when we were about 13 and the first thing she said was isn’t your house small, wish I’d told her not to be so bloody rude but I just felt embarrassed. So my kids were taught from a young age to never make remarks about the size of friends houses if they were smaller.

A friend of mine lives in 5 bed detached house and her son’s school friend said the same thing! (Turned out he lived in some kind of manor house!). She was pretty annoyed at the rudeness.

13 is old enough to know better. She wasn't asking why your house was small. She was saying it was and making you agree.

Completely different scenario to OP

My 6 year old said in front of a child and their mum :

"Mummy, can you believe it. The reason Sophie smells of chips is because she has chips every night. I wish we could have chips every night."

I actually died inside, and I can imagine the mum did too.

I was invited to a girls house when I was in primary school....I remember thinking they must be quite poor because they had a microwave in their living room and quite a large stain on the wall, almost like a burn mark, looking back maybe it was mould? I never said anything though as my parents were quite strict with me about manners and not making personal comments....I remember feeling a bit sad though rather than anything else.

Best comment I ever got on a play date was the other kid earnestly informed me that her mother had said that my dd was the worse behaved child she’d ever met 🙈

A long time ago when I was a kid I remember the teacher asking us to count how many rooms we had in our homes. I lived in a two bed bungalow so I had the grand total of 5 if I counted the hall! When it came to my turn everybody was saying I’d got it wrong etc. I was mortified and clearly its one of my lasting memories.

I’d hope that teachers today have more sense than to ask kids things like that now.

It's quite common as kids tend to say things as they see it. I was very embarrassed once when my son, though much younger at the time, kept asking why someone's bathroom was so dirty when they were within earshot!

A child came to our house once and looked in bemusement asking, ‘so is this a terraced house’? She had never seen one of those before as most of the kids at the school had huge properties. I did indeed tell her it was a terraced house. I felt like I had educated her 😂

ETA the kid was seven. I took no offence. Though I did worry if my children would be ostracised at school for being poorer. Thankfully their friends didn’t mind!

Sounds like your house and garden are small, so whats the issue?

She was just commenting on the truth. Sounds like she has a big garden, not her fault.

I see a few comments on here about terraced houses...I wonder if this is more of a thing outside London. Here in London, terraced houses are absolutely everywhere and are often worth an absolute fortune. They are not associated with being poorer.

She's 8 not 3, she knew exactly what she was doing when she sneered at the size of the house and garden.

Just have a word wirh your dd, say you overheard and give her tips on a few retorts if this pal shows off again.

I grew up in a small house, but no 8 year old ever said anything. Ever. My friends liked coming to my house because my mum was relaxed about having them around and made them feel welcome. When I was a teenager though - that was when the comments started. At an age when it was deliberately designed to hurt and belittle me. And when they should have known better. Horrible brats.

Reminds me of a child coming over, looking out to the garden and asking incredulously, "Is that it? Our garden is much bigger", followed by "Where's the playroom?". We had toys everywhere and lots of space, but they couldn't believe we didn't have one.

I'd asked the mum what food they liked to eat beforehand, and she said pizza. I had a newborn, so struggled with making several flavours of homemade pizza with salads to make sure there was a choice. Guess what, all refused! I offered alternatives, cheese and tomato sandwich refused because "That's not very healthy!". The child went home hungry.

Was still tearful the next day (newborn sleep deprivation), didn't host for a looong time after that!

She didn't 'sneer'. She just asked why. You're assuming there was a nasty motive for the child's probably perfectly innocent question.

At 8 it wasn't a perfectly innocent question.

One of ours had a snooty pal who once asked where our hottub was, I replied we didn't have one as they're a bit common. She knew what she was asking, sadly kids of showy off parents tend to follow in their footsteps with pa 'innocent' questions.

My DC told her friends our house has 4 floors (not bragging, was explaining hide and go seek I think…) and they were all like WOOOWWEEEEE it must be a mansion. Reality: she goes to school
in an extremely wealthy area (most houses are £3M+). We have a perfectly nice house but it’s only 4 floors because it’s terraced whereas friends houses are all 2 stories but easily 2-3x bigger than ours and detached 🤷‍♀️. Kids have no idea what they are saying at that age and honestly no real idea of space. It’s not an insult.

She’s 8. That’s the sort of thing 8 year olds comment on.

if this is upsetting you it’s your issue not the child’s.

I brought my children up in a pretty relaxed house except for one area, which was manners. My parents were sticklers for good manners so I knew from a young age if something was rude or liable to cause upset or embarrassment, not to say it.

Agree with this. Disagree with most posters who say she is only 8. She is rude. She was not ‘just making an observation’ she’s not presenting an episode of location location location for goodness sake. She absolutely knew what she was saying. But I do agree she sounds like she hasn’t been taught not to comment on materialistic things.

People /children learn about asking questions and you don’t know about things being different to what your used to until you experience it.

if it was said in a negative way then that’s not nice and insulting but if it’s more of an inquisitive way then that’s fine.

It’s human nature to compare. At some point you would expect them to learn to be tactful and keep the questions until they get home etc but probably not there yet at 8.

Why is your house small?

Why is your mum fat?

Why don't you have many toys?

Why why why...

Get used to it, it is constant on play dates

We had a child say our garden is tiny. It is compared to hers. She wasn't meaning to be rude. Just saying what she saw. She redeemed herself in other ways by complimenting something else. If she kept on saying it like the child at your house I'd have just pointed out she already told us.
Another child said "Can we go into the dining room?" We don't have a separate one, but it was just what she was used to. No offence taken. A friend who lives in a flat had a child ask to go upstairs.

Kids say what comes into their heads, it takes time to learn tact. I'd have thought an eight year old would have learned a bit.

I used to hear all sorts of comments when mine was small and had friends round all the time. Not just about our house but about other people's. I can also remember when I was a child (back in the dark ages), children saying things about my home which my mother found upsetting but they were only observations from kids.

Don't worry about it, you will not be the only family with a small house and garden. She didn't say she didn't like being there, or disliked you!

It could perfectly well have been innocent. You don't know that her parents were 'showy off' either. They just lived in a bigger house, which says nothing about the state of it nor the attitude of the parents. There are plenty of big, very run down houses. There are even rich parents living in huge, well kept mansions who happen to be modest, kind people and not massive snobs.

Triggers memories of Dd asking my single friend “where are your children”’ as pretty much everyone else we visited had children her age to play with. Mortifying.