To not want my dad to come with me to the hospital?

[ThunderyDays]

I’ve got an operation this week, I still live at home and my mum as my next of kin is coming over, dropping me off etc., and will wait around at the hospital for me to be done (we live too far away to justify her coming back home when it’s a super short procedure).

My dad keeps asking if he can come too. I get that he’s anxious for me, but I just don’t want him to come. He gets really, really impatient when waiting around, and get really stressed. He’s a bit of an “iPad kid” - he has to sit and be watching the cricket or something to keep him entertained when waiting.

Each time I’ve told him no, he gets really moody and asks why I don’t want him supporting me. But I just don’t feel like he would be a good support person. He’d be texting me every five minutes to ask if I’d gone down yet, and I’d feel under pressure to rush after the op to get home so he’s not waiting around

AIBU and a really nasty daughter?

Then it's worth the row

Neurodivergent or not he needs to respect your wishes.

Your mum needs to be very very firm with him and not let him in the car

I realise it would be trouble but it would be a way to ensure the DF wasn’t well away from the hospital. I suppose it depends on how much the OP wants that.

Oh tell him to grow up!!

If you ever go on to have children you do realise he'll want to be at the birth?

No, he won’t, and I think you’re being quite harsh on him. Like I’ve said, I do believe this is just purely anxiety and concern for me - we’re all quite worried about how the recovery will go because it’s meant to be quite brutal!

Hang on, you think people are being harsh on him but he's literally said if you don't allow him to come he'll consider the relationship to be over??

If I were in your shoes I would be saying that this is not about him, you are having a medical procedure and are arranging the best options for you to receive care. He has turned this into something stressful, unnecessarily so and he needs to review his own behaviors to understand why he, as an adult is acting in this way.
I know you disagreed with another comment but this is manipulation OP and to say if he can't come the relationship is over is an absolutely disgusting thing to say.

He's manipulating you and you're going to let it work for him.

You're 26 FFS. I thought you were going to say that you're 18. Get yourself to the hospital and they can both pick you up afterwards.

Discharge procedures vary between areas, but one thing seems to be consistent; if you are having sedation or a GA, the nurse dealing with your discharge will expect you to have a responsible adult with you afterwards, to get you home and be with you for the 24 hours afterwards and may want eyeball on them before you leave the hospital. My hospital seemed quite happy for me to go home by bus after a colonoscopy, but they didn't want me to be on my own. So you may not be able to resolve your situation by leaving both your parents at home to appease your Dad's idea of fairness unless there is someone else who can pick you up - a sibling or a partner for example.

All the best with your surgery; waiting around for day surgery procedures can be hard work for both the patient and their escort, because it's a long day and instead of being taken back to the ward to sleep it all off, you have to go through the discharge process, wait for the wheels of the pharmacy to turn etc. If you can find a way to convince your Dad that you need calm and quiet, it would be a big help for you.

Yes but I don’t think he’s a “manipulative bastard”, I think he’s panicking

Maybe I’m being childish but I want my mum with me before I get checked in, the check in time is also 7:45, so I’d be stuck without her giving me a lift

Yes the hospital have made it quite clear that as my mum can drive and I live with her, she is to pick me up - they won’t consider a discharge into a taxi for me, which I totally understand.

im just dreading how long the day will be, to be honest. I was kind of going into it with the wool over my eyes, and although I realised there would be some waiting around, i thought it would be a case of me going down to theatre at 9:30 or 10-ish, not 2/3pm

Let him come. Go through into daycase and turn your phone off (I had to put mine in a locker with all of my clothes). Turn it back on when you are ready to leave. Ignore him in the meantime.

And I know you said you weren’t going to turn your phone off - you may not have a choice. Take a book/magazine/crossword.

And it won’t be 6 hours, if you have to be there by 7:45 you are on the morning list (pm list would arrive around 11am).

Tell him that you've had an email setting out the procedure and how to prepare. Tell them what a pp said, that your phone will have to be put away once you gave gone further up the surgery list. Then block their numbers. Your mum's plan to go shopping was ideal. Speak to your Mum because by the sounds of it, she'll have to manage the waiting time for both of them. Set your alarm for the cut off eating and drinking time and make sure you've eaten substantially the time before. The worst part of being last, is the hunger.

I’m on Mounjaro so it’s quite a tough one to balance between obviously having my stomach emptying slower, and not being hungry the day after. I’m just wanting it all to be done now, but the wait will be absolute torture.

He’s making this all about him. Has he acknowledged that it’s his own past behaviour that makes you not want him there. Anxiety or not, he’s now using emotional blackmail to get his own way. Awful behaviour.

@ThunderyDays I’d not be taking my phone in anyway, I’d leave it with my Mum. Or, if you just, turn it off and say you will message when you have fully woken. At least that might stop the constant texts.

I’m taking it because of the long wait, im not just going to sit and stare at the walls for six hours!

I just feel for him, in a silly way. It can’t be nice seeing your child going for an operation and being so scared!

Then he needs to not panic for your sake or at least to keep it to himself. That's a dad's job. We've all put a brave face on when our kids are ill or upset to avoid making them feel worse by seeing us emotional. His turn to do that. I think you're letting him off with what is incredibly selfish and self-centred behaviour.

I think me and him are just not good in a crisis. The last time his heart condition flared up, the paramedics had to calm me down, while he was fine! (In my defence, I was exhausted, sitting an exam that morning, after two weeks of intense exams!!). Meanwhile my mum and brother are quite calm - but even my mum is starting to “mother” a bit, texting me about my meal prep, washing etc.

It's not childish at all, it's completely normal. Loads of people will have someone dropping them in whether partner, parent, friend.

I do however think it is completely plausible that you will be out of it for a while, or your phone will be in a locker etc and you should take the opportunity to put your phone on airplane mode or turn it off for a while. You are doing enough to appease your dad; you can definitely put some boundaries in while you are on the ward. If you could tell staff he is stressing you out and you find it difficult having him there, you'd probably find there are all sorts of rules suddenly about phones needing to turned off and relative numbers limited - what ever you need.

You’re looking for excuses for his poor behaviour. He may well be anxious and worried but he needs to put you and your needs first. Instead of this he’s acting like a child and emotionally blackmailing you. A good starting point would be for him to consider the reason you don’t want him there. His past behaviour has caused this.

Tell him he can come on the condition he doesn't text you as you need to not get stressed