To not want my dad to come with me to the hospital?

[ThunderyDays]

I’ve got an operation this week, I still live at home and my mum as my next of kin is coming over, dropping me off etc., and will wait around at the hospital for me to be done (we live too far away to justify her coming back home when it’s a super short procedure).

My dad keeps asking if he can come too. I get that he’s anxious for me, but I just don’t want him to come. He gets really, really impatient when waiting around, and get really stressed. He’s a bit of an “iPad kid” - he has to sit and be watching the cricket or something to keep him entertained when waiting.

Each time I’ve told him no, he gets really moody and asks why I don’t want him supporting me. But I just don’t feel like he would be a good support person. He’d be texting me every five minutes to ask if I’d gone down yet, and I’d feel under pressure to rush after the op to get home so he’s not waiting around

AIBU and a really nasty daughter?

I hate to say it because it’s giving in but as you live with him, if it’s going to cause you more drama him not coming, then perhaps just let him come but tell him that he has to wait in the waiting area or something.

It is so unfair that he’s putting his needs above yours and I would lay it on thick and tell him how disappointed you are that he’s made this all about him and increased your anxiety over it just so he can get his own way.

My hospital won’t let anyone past reception when having surgery, I’ve had to wait alone each time so it’s possible he won’t be allowed anyway.

Oh and I waited from 7am to 2pm to go to theatre on more than one occasion.

Get dropped off and text when you needed picked up. It’s straightforward really, nobody needs to be hanging around for potential 10+ hours.

Can you tell him only 1 person allowed and that your mum will be chased as soon as you leave the waiting room. I get his anxiety but it sounds like he will cause you to be anxious. Hospitals are very strict with people sitting around. Tell him he will be more supportive when you get home and the hospital isn’t the best place to sit around. Good luck trying to persuade him.

Neither of them will be allowed on the day case surgical ward. I had a small operation recently and some patients turned up thinking their supporters could hang out at their bedside- absolutely not.

Does your Dad think that’s what he’ll be doing, I wonder.

I went in at 7am and wasn’t discharged until 3pm, that’s a long, boring wait. Your mum has got the right idea.

I wonder what people do who haven’t got significant others or family to collect them. I fibbed and said my partner was waiting for me in the carpark. He actually had a freelance job on and I knew I was was absolutely fine to take public transport home. (Realise driving would be different.)

I had the same conversation with my mother when I went in for an op in May. My husband was dropping me off. Specialist surgery unit, drop off/pick up facilities only, no cafe, visitors not encouraged.

Mum is 86 and has limited mobility, diabetes and a heart condition. She just couldn’t understand why my husband couldn’t drive her to the hospital after dropping me off so that she could be with me and kept saying that I didn’t understand how worried she’d be otherwise. The reality would have been me running around after her finding food/drink/toilets etc. Sadly, experience tells me all she really wanted was a bit of excitement and a new set of people to tell her how wonderful she is for her age. I had to be very firm in the end and point out that the operation was about me, not her, and that she was being very selfish in her attitude. There was a bit of a falling out after that, I suspect because I touched on the truth.

Please don’t give in on this @ThunderyDays . It’s a slippery slope - he needs to realise that he can’t control everyone and that he can’t manipulate you by dressing that control up as concern. Taking a stand now will make your life easier in the long run.

He wants to come because he's worried about you and wants to feel near you.
I'm not sure why you are so fussed. Anytime I've had a day case op I wave goodbye to my lift at the ward door ( they don't want relatives hanging around) and then the nurse ( or in some cases myself) ring the lift when you are ready to be collected. You don't have to be in contact with him at all.
On the occasions I've been the lift I go off and do my own thing until the phone rings.
You won't be involved with him at all. Turn your phone off. ( Although it is nice to quickly message a loved one and say its over and I'm OK if you are up to it and then turn your phone off again)

If it's stressing you out this much, let him go but switch your phone off til you're ready to be picked up

Stand your ground, if you change your mind, warn him that any moaning or loss of patience will result in a permanent ban in the future.
Best of luck with your operation and your annoying loving father.

It’ll really stress me out. I’m likely to be last on the list, so he’ll be getting impatient before I even go in. Then as soon as I’m out, he’ll be expecting me to be leaving. I know he’ll be like this, and knowing I’ll be turning my phone on to him getting impatient stresses me out.

To minimise the bloody drama, why not take a taxi to hospital and let both (overinvested) parents take you home?

"Dad, the fact that we're even still discussing this is why you aren't coming. I've said no, it will upset me and you'll stress me out. Please don't mention it again, I'm the one having the surgery, not you. If you push it, I'll just get a taxi and that will be putting myself at risk, risking that they won't do the op and wasting 60 quid. I refuse to speak about it again."

Then actually refuse to engage The Dad dna should click on though when he considers you wasting 60 pounds unnecessarily. 😂

Nip this in the bud now though, or you'll be staring down at him on the business end while you give birth one day

I can't believe how many people are saying you should give into him though! If he was your partner it would be LTB, he's controlling but because you've got older parents on MN they think you should just do what Daddy says.

How about getting hysterical and crying and screaming that he is making you anxious with all his demands? And then mum is saying that he shouldn’t make you nervous and anxious etc etc.
Will something like this work?

Gah no. But I’d repeatedly say to him everything here. ‘You will ask when I’m coming down. You will think I get to choose. I will go insane having to read your messages and know you’re in the waiting area getting frustrated and worked up and thinking why doesn’t she come down now and texting me?? It’s not fair on mum or me, I am not coming out of an op and having to message you back I don’t know, I don’t know I do not fucking know why the fuck did you come what the fuck kind of support do you call this??
and if you think you could manage it then maybe you should start showing you get it now, because you don’t sound like you do.

I want my mum there, she’s not over invested. It’s my first surgery, or anything like that

It’s really inappropriate to insist on accompanying an adult child. I would never do it unless invited. Il’s intrusive, and making it all about you. A bit controlling, too, however “nice” he is. Actually, it’s not nice. My adult dc wouldn’t put up with it, unless they wanted me there, which they might or might not.

It's lovely that both your parents want to so this so just let them?

Again - it’s going to really stress me out. He can’t wait with me, I’ve read the information pack. He would have to leave. He can’t come back post-op. So I know he’ll just spend the entire time nagging me (and I’m not going to just turn my phone off - what will I do while I’m waiting for 6 hours?) and as soon as I’m out he’ll be expecting me to discharge myself and get home.

When he raises it say “Dad it’s my operation, it will be a long day I want you to wait at home “ and repeat.

Yes but no but. Just tell him he's not going and don't engage.

You need to lost your rag and cry, frankly. Make it clear that he's causing you more stress and anxiety and actually cry. He'd have to be entirely heartless to ignore you.

This. Don't give in. It's not about him!

Typically, as perhaps the most emotional person on this planet, I’ve not been able to muster up any tears!