To not want my dad to come with me to the hospital?

[ThunderyDays]

I’ve got an operation this week, I still live at home and my mum as my next of kin is coming over, dropping me off etc., and will wait around at the hospital for me to be done (we live too far away to justify her coming back home when it’s a super short procedure).

My dad keeps asking if he can come too. I get that he’s anxious for me, but I just don’t want him to come. He gets really, really impatient when waiting around, and get really stressed. He’s a bit of an “iPad kid” - he has to sit and be watching the cricket or something to keep him entertained when waiting.

Each time I’ve told him no, he gets really moody and asks why I don’t want him supporting me. But I just don’t feel like he would be a good support person. He’d be texting me every five minutes to ask if I’d gone down yet, and I’d feel under pressure to rush after the op to get home so he’s not waiting around

AIBU and a really nasty daughter?

Dad, I am already stressed out because you won’t support me in the way I have asked. This is proof enough that I can’t trust that you can wait patiently not put any pressure at all on mum and I on the day. I love you and I know you want the best for me, which for the operation is for only mum to come. This is my decision and I will not change my mind. We will see you at home when it is all done.

short sweet. No more explanations, just ‘I love you, but I am not changing my mind’ whenever it is brought up.

tried this?

In that case, the suggested conversation above is your best bet.

"Dad, the fact that we're even still discussing this is why you aren't coming. I've said no, it will upset me and you'll stress me out. Please don't mention it again, I'm the one having the surgery, not you.

We’ve spoken this morning before I headed to work and he got emotional (wtf) and said the say he’s seeing this is I value my mum as a parent over him. He has basically said if he doesn’t come, he’ll see our relationship as all but over 🙃

That's absolutely insane, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with such a ridiculous man.

Does he have no empathy at all? Does he centre himself in everyone's problems?

I'm so angry on your behalf.

The thing is, he’s never usually like this. When it comes to my mum having procedures etc., he fully understands her needs, if she does/doesn’t want him there. I have a feeling it’s because I’m his only girl, and he’s always seen me as his little girl. We usually have an amazing relationship so I don’t know where this has come from!

The thing is, he’s never usually like this. When it comes to my mum having procedures etc., he fully understands her needs, if she does/doesn’t want him there. I have a feeling it’s because I’m his only girl, and he’s always seen me as his little girl. We usually have an amazing relationship so I don’t know where this has come from!

I’d just say no as you’re too impatient and I don’t want that stress on the day.

Oh OP hi saying that to you is just so wrong. I think you should be involving your mum and telling her what he has said and she should be dealing with him and tearing him a new one. How can he be so completely selfish?? Coercive control although it’s usually from a partner.
What would happen if you said to him that he is the one affecting the relationship as he surely must realise how stressed he is making you.
if you give in and let him attend, then block his number. Then you don’t have to switch your phone off while you’re waiting.
Good luck OP hope it all goes well x

My mum was there, she’s as baffled as me. Like I said, this is entirely out of character for him. I think we’re all just stressed, we’ve had a really shit few months and it’s culminated in this. We’re all supposed to be off on holiday in a few weeks, so I don’t think he means it! I think I’ll end up just saying he can come if he wants, it’s his choice. I’m stressed enough about it all, I don’t need this.

He really is a manipulative bastard isn’t he. I’d be tempted to tell him that unless he stops being so selfish and self centred then neither of them are going with you. I know you’d like your mum there, but on this occasion it’s sounds like it’ll be more trouble than it’s worth.

No, he’s really not a bastard or anything else. He’s an amazing person, this has just really spun him out. I think it’s because I’m the first of any of his children to be having surgery, and we’re all anxious - mainly because I am!

FFS why on earth should she go to all this trouble for him? Just tell him he's not wanted and she'll see him at home.

@Clarinet1has made a good point which I missed - he’s never had a surgery under GA either. He’s had a few procedures under conscious sedation, but he’s never experienced a GA (which at 73 I’d say is quite impressive!). The only other family member who’s had a surgery was my mum, who had a hysterectomy and was quite poorly after. So that could well be part of the reason he’s so stressed.

I honestly think you are getting more worked up about telling him not to go than you would be if he went.

I’m just over it. I’m working myself up about the surgery, about the long wait I’ll be facing tomorrow, I’m going to tell him he can just come if he wants

I maybe wrong... but it sounds like your Dad, maybe feeling rejected by you. His insistence could be him looking for reassurance that you do in fact love & value him just as much as your Mum. He sounds hurt and rejected, rather than looking to control you.

Sometimes it's not what's being said but how it's being said.

I'm sure your Dad is really scared of you having an OP regardless of it so say being minor... at end of the day, you're still his baby girl.

A parent's ' baby girl or baby boy' regardless of age aspect will not become apparent until we become parent's.

Personally, I would try & reflect and reframe both viewpoints, so that you both feel heard.

Explain one last time, how much you love & value your dad, how grateful you feel that he loves you enough to want to support you by being at the hospital, remind him the reasons of his impatience from repeated history is the reason why you wouldn't want him to be sat waiting around. But if he insists on feeling safer being to hand if needed, then please, no pressure or sign of impatience.

OP, you may find under these circumstances (1st time for you both) he has every intention to commit to your wishes, if promises are made, that no messages until you are fit to respond.

I'm sure your dad knows his impatience & maybe he feels more powerless being sat at home waiting as opposed to being at hospital.

I'm sure under the circumstances, even if dad is sat in the carpark or cafe he will feel more settled being closer to hand and Mum can phone dad to keep him updated .

Hopefully you won't have too long a wait. I've actually noticed hospitals getting better at the timings of scheduled operations than they used to be.
Good luck with it and I'm sure it will all turn out better than you think and you can go off on and enjoy your holiday in a few weeks time

I do totally get this - we’re probably the closest out of all of his kids and have a lot of shared interests etc. but then, it’s a minor procedure and I’m scared enough, I don’t need him making it worse by acting like I’m going in to die!!

It’s an ENT procedure, so lots of kids will be scheduled at the same time, and they’ll all go first. I’m prepared for it

If you do decide to just let him come, do please also tell him that you’re giving in because you can’t face any further stress but you’re very disappointed and upset that he’s making this all about him, when this is one occasion when your wishes should absolutely be paramount.

And tell him you definitely do not want him texting you. He can get news of you via your mum. If he won’t stick to that when it’s what you want, he is being totally selfish.

Show him this thread so he can see what the great majority think!

Well now my mum has started fretting too! I really don’t know what’s got into them 😭

I suppose it’s just anxiety about you, but once this is all over maybe you need to work on showing them you’re grown up now and need some independence from them! Good luck with your procedure.

Most surgery’s only allow 1 person in.

Tell him that he can come and wait outside for your mum if that’s what she wants.

But he won’t be going inside with you and you’ll be blocking his number until you are out and ready to leave.

I can understand why you don’t want him involved with your surgery and can keep him away from that but you can’t stop him going anywhere he chooses - and if that’s a hospital Costa then that’s his decision.

Sorry I missed if you gave your age.. but you really need to assert yourself here!
How is he going to act if you decide to leave home, get married, emigrate?
He can be as anxious as he likes but this is happening to YOU! And he should be supporting YOUR choices.
Stop worrying about his hurty feelings and tell him to consider yours!
And as for being huffy when you get home.... well!!
It all sounds a bit controlling and over-involved. As much as he might love you he is not putting your best interests at heart.

I’m 26. I don’t think they’re over involved (they don’t care about my day to day life as long as I’m not taking drugs or doing anything illegal!), I think it’s just because this is really the first surgery that any of their children have had