To not want my dad to come with me to the hospital?

[ThunderyDays]

I’ve got an operation this week, I still live at home and my mum as my next of kin is coming over, dropping me off etc., and will wait around at the hospital for me to be done (we live too far away to justify her coming back home when it’s a super short procedure).

My dad keeps asking if he can come too. I get that he’s anxious for me, but I just don’t want him to come. He gets really, really impatient when waiting around, and get really stressed. He’s a bit of an “iPad kid” - he has to sit and be watching the cricket or something to keep him entertained when waiting.

Each time I’ve told him no, he gets really moody and asks why I don’t want him supporting me. But I just don’t feel like he would be a good support person. He’d be texting me every five minutes to ask if I’d gone down yet, and I’d feel under pressure to rush after the op to get home so he’s not waiting around

AIBU and a really nasty daughter?

How would they know and what would happen if you didnt have any one? People get into taxis all the time. Tell them 'my lift is waiting downstairs' half the time you can't park at my local hospital and you'd get picked up from the set down/waiting bay anyway.

That’s a bit how it’s feeling at the moment, he’s going on about how he’ll he so anxious just waiting at home

They’ve said the discharge procedure is that they will wheel you out to whoever is waiting, because of the anaesthetic. There’s an option for taxis etc but you have to have booked it beforehand and show that you have it booked, and then if you don’t have anyone to be with you for 24 hours post op you can book through their programme to have a volunteer come - which all seems a bit like overkill to me, but those are their rules!

Also the day surgery unit has spaces right outside for picking up/dropping off, so it’s literally being picked up at the door

Why can't you get a taxi down, and then text your mum when you're ready to be collected, OP? That will make your mum's day easier, and keep your dad away.
Otherwise, and I'm assuming you are over 18, you just need to tell him that you're an adult, you're perfectly capable and you don't need or want two people coming with you.
Going forward, think about moving into your own place!

You could say the hospital only allow one chaperone per person? Tell a white lie.

It's nice for him to offer but it's not exactly a fun day out. He should be relieved you don't want him there, not trying to guilt trip you.

I completely feel you! Love my dad and he's a wonderful man, but he took me to a hospital appointment last year and it was pretty stressful. He loudly comments on other people, sighs loudly about delays and I'm on edge constantly about what might set him off.

I would suggest you tell him the hospital has advised only one companion per patient due to waiting room sizes etc. Which tbf isn't wrong. Sure there was a thread on mumsnet recently about patients having multiple people with them over crowding the waiting room.

I am genuinely baffled a man can’t buy some chocolate, a pint of milk and some magazines or whatever!

Please don’t say yes, it’ll just cause you more stress. Stand firm. It’s an operation not a bloody day out! Can you get a taxi there and your mum just come pick you up?

Because I want my mum there. Silly but it is what it is, I’m anxious about it!

I don’t need anything like that though, I’ve stocked up

Oh god the COMMENTS!!! He sits there and doesn’t realise how loud he is, last time we were waiting for my mum at an appointment I had to take him for a walk round because he was making that many comments 😩 i adore him, he’s great, but my god

So tell him he's making you more anxious

You are a grown woman. Insist he stays at home. ~Get your mum to tell him the same

I don't understand how your mother hasn't told him that he's making it worse, it's not about him, he's not coming and to grow up!

I’m sure she has, they’re home all the time and I’m not! But he still maintains that he should be there, he’s my dad etc. I’ve tried to tell him no, but he’s just not listening

He should accept your choice of him not coming, but I guess a compromise would be he can come but is not to text or contact you (or your DM) at all, just wait. Tell him he adds to your stress and you don’t need that, and if he does still text you, you just won’t reply until you’re ready to go home.

So your options are pretty simple:
Arrange the taxi as above
Give in and let your dad come
Be an adult and tell him what you're telling us.

I’ve told him. Many times.

The taxi is £60+, plus the booking fee, and I don’t know when I’d be going home so it’s just not feasible.

My dad is a bit like this but thankfully he does listen to me! He was adamant about dropping me off for my day surgery and I don’t even live at home. I said what’s the point dad, it’s a 3 mile taxi journey and don’t get up at 6am to take me!

thankfully he didn’t wait as my day case turned into a full day in theatre and I stayed overnight but he stressed me out picking me up because he was wanting directions around the hospital, getting impatient waiting at the pharmacy with me etc

Just stand up for yourself. Let him sulk, you have perfectly valid reasons for wanting just the support of your mum. Keep repeating no, concentrate on getting it over and down with.

It’s infuriating isn’t it? I know he means well, but he doesn’t understand how he comes off. He’s definitely neurodivergent in some way, it’s been apparent for years now. But he’s just impossible at times!

I HATE peoples like this! Who care more about their own feelings than anyone else.

My mum is like this.
She hates missing out and doesn’t like the attention not on her.

I would be so annoyed with him that I would refuse to let him come and I’d say you can’t have him there because his behaviour is already making you anxious and if he’s like this now then you can’t cope with him if he’s there.

However, is it going to be more difficult for you and your mum if he doesn’t come - is he not going to let it drop?

If you definitely don’t want him coming then put your foot down and tell him to stop going on about it because you’re not changing your mind because he’s making you anxious.

Tell him you’ll not be using your phone when you’re there and don’t text him until you’re out of the operation.

Parents do not get to guilt trip you into doing what they want.

It’s tough because I don’t know if it’s for attention or he just genuinely would feel better being there? But there’s not much he can do!

I think you need to call your dad out on it. Does he actually, when push comes to shove, want to support you or not? If so, then he puts your wishes above his own this day. Tell him gently that keeping pushing is the opposite of supportive and you really need him to listen to you and respect your choice.

I don't think that much matters. Let's assume he would genuinely feel better being there. Even in that case your wishes trump his wishes. You are not an extension of him, it's not your job on this day of all days to put his feelings above your feelings.

(I know this is much easier to preach than to actually do!!)

It’s so much easier said than done isn’t it? I can’t be bothered to fall out with him when I’m going to be at home with him for an extended period of time