To not want my dad to come with me to the hospital?

[ThunderyDays]

I’ve got an operation this week, I still live at home and my mum as my next of kin is coming over, dropping me off etc., and will wait around at the hospital for me to be done (we live too far away to justify her coming back home when it’s a super short procedure).

My dad keeps asking if he can come too. I get that he’s anxious for me, but I just don’t want him to come. He gets really, really impatient when waiting around, and get really stressed. He’s a bit of an “iPad kid” - he has to sit and be watching the cricket or something to keep him entertained when waiting.

Each time I’ve told him no, he gets really moody and asks why I don’t want him supporting me. But I just don’t feel like he would be a good support person. He’d be texting me every five minutes to ask if I’d gone down yet, and I’d feel under pressure to rush after the op to get home so he’s not waiting around

AIBU and a really nasty daughter?

Would your mum prefer him to be there for some company/support for her? It can be a long, long wait, especially if you’re towards the end of an all day list.

No, she’s said she’s fine. She doesn’t want to lose her patio my space once we get there so she’ll either take her book and sit in the cafe or pop on the bus to the shopping centre nearby and do some holiday shopping 😂 she’s not entirely keen on him going either, she knows what he can be like when he’s waiting around

If it's anything like my local day case unit, he'll be saying good-bye to you as soon as you are checked in and then spending the whole day in Costa.

And you will be either busy or sleepy so not checking your phone.

Apart from on the way home, there really isn't a lot of opportunity for 'supporting'.

Seems like there won’t be much useful for him to do then so no need to come along. Maybe your mum could give home a list of jobs to get on with at home!

I’ve tried to explain this but he just won’t listen. I just know that from the second I’m dropped off it’ll be “well where are you? Why haven’t you gone down yet? Why are you still waiting” and then as soon as I’m out he’ll be texting me to say to hurry up and leave

I'm sure if it's the same at all hospitals but when I've taken my children for surgery only one parent was allowed to go with them. If you're an adult then I'm guessing that's even more likely. I suppose he could hang about in the hospital for you but it's a long wait even for the most patient of people. I don't think YABU at all to ask him to wait at home. It sounds like he will add to your stress.

I’ve tried explaining this to him but he’s dead set on coming. I’m the first of his four to have any type of surgery, so I think he’s just as anxious as I am!

Have you told him the truth? That he wouldn't be patient, you know you'll be texting me etc? And being anxious about it will make him worse. It is just geography. Why will being at the hospital make this any easier for him? Talk to him. Tell him straight. You need your Mum as you need a lift. You don't need another adult especially one who will behave like this.

My own Dad is rubbish in any crisis and a bit like yours always chomping at the bit to leave, move onto the next thing. But we call him out on it. That is why it was mainly us children who drove my Mum to her chemo appointments because there was a lot of waiting around and my Dad is rubbish at this. Good luck for the surgery.

I’ve tried. He’s promised he won’t be, that he’ll be calm and “there for mum”

it’s a really simple operation, ffs. It’s not life or death, I don’t know why he’s acting like this. His nerves are starting to rub off on me

I would tell him he can come but explain his impatience is why you don't and the first text like the ones you are expecting you'll block him until after the surgery. Also remind him it's not about him, you're the one having surgery

I just can’t be doing with any of it. I know he’ll be sat there, getting more and more aggravated, even if he’s not directly texting me. I just don’t need that pressure

I would tell him not only is he not coming but that your phone will be off for the duration.

Does he not realise he’s just adding to your anxiety?

He doesn’t really see it that way, he thinks that I’ll be in control of things like when I’m leaving

Could you give him something else to do to feel like he’s helping while you’re having the surgery? So doing a trip to the supermarket for bits and pieces you’ll need in the days afterwards etc? Would he benefit from being distracted?

He’s pretty rubbish with stuff like that 😕

Can you think of some ways in which he does/can support you?

Then give him a hug and say with a smile, "Dad, you are a brilliant support in x y z ways, but let's be honest, you aren't good at waiting around patiently, so it would be like asking me/mum to [example of something you or she would be no help with].

Knowing you were pacing about would make me more anxious. But please can you do [something] for me, which would genuinely help."

Maybe tell him he can come, but both of you need to leave your phones at home - then he's your mums problem, and she can take him shopping or something while waiting. Even if he is home he can still text so the only way to avoid that is to leave the phone where he isn't.

Could you book him on something he’d enjoy -Golf day? Heritage railway trip? Definitely turn your phone off until you’re ready to take calls!
Hope the procedure goes well.
Also, has he ever had anything like this himself? If not, it may help to explain to him things like you won’t be able to leave until the staff are happy with things like your blood pressure and other obs and that no one can be sure exactly when you will go down as earlier procedures on the list may take longer than expected.

I would tell him the operation has been cancelled 😁

He can’t go to the supermarket?

Id be blunt and then stop engaging ‘it’s not helpful to me to have you there, so I don’t want you to come. Wait for me at home, and go to the shop - that would be useful! Here’s a list’

He wouldn’t get the right stuff, plus I don’t really need anything. He’s pretty insistent that he wants to come, so I might just say yes to get him to shut up

“Dad, this is a minor thing, I don’t need support I just need a lift. All this talk of support and everyone coming is stressing me out. If you genuine want to support me just get in with your normal day and stop worrying. If you bring it up again I will get a taxi / ask other friend or relative to take me”

And tell them both that your phone will be turned off. And do not read or answer any messages from them til ready to call your mum for pick up.

God I couldn't put up with this, frankly he sounds pathetically annoying. Cancel the both of them and get a taxi.

the hospital are reluctant to discharge into taxis - I’ve already given my mum’s contact details etc for picking me up, and I’d rather she was there 😭 I get that he’s anxious, I am too, but it’s really annoying me that he’s making it into a thing he and my mum are going through, as opposed to just being steady for me!

Don't be so selfish OP, your hospital stay is all about HIM and HiS FEELINGS. Good luck. Hope it all goes well.