Partner cheated - what to tell the kids?

[Mytimenow25]

Long time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle.

Found out late last night/early this morning that my partner of 16 years, who I share 2 children with (11 and 7), has been cheating on me with someone from his work. I told him to leave immediately and have no intention to hear him out or consider saving our relationship.

My issue is what do we tell the children? I'm of the opinion that it is down to him to tell them we are no longer together and he will no longer be living here but do they really need to know that it is because he was cheating?

Head is all over the place and I feel physically sick but my main concern is doing what is right/best for my children and the things that are going to cause them the least upset.

Thanks for reading and like I said this is very new so please be kind.

I am sorry that you are in this position. Technically it should be up to him telling them, but what is he likely to say? Is he likely to try and say mummy threw me out or is he likely to own it. Neither of you has to say he has cheated. You can say something like "Mummy and Daddy both love you very much but we can't live together, so daddy is going to move to another house. You will always be welcome in each house and we will each love you as much as we ever did." Depending on the maturity level of the 11 year old now and in the future if they probe a lot you could say that Daddy loved more than one person but that isn't possible.

I think it would be really confusing for your children to suddenly have their dad not there and you refusing to say anything about it and leave it to him to say why he's not there. You also leave it open to him putting whatever slant he wants to on why you told him to leave - "your mum's crazy and I still want to be living with you but your mum won't allow me etc."

I would go with explaining to them that there are some adult problems between mum and dad that mean that you are no longer together. It was nothing that the children did and that both parents love them very much. Children will often blame themselves when parents separate and it's important to reassure them. They don't need to know the details at first but if they ask more pointed questions in the future it's a good idea not to lie.

ETA - your partner is an arsehole to cheat on you!

@Brenna24

Thank you for your reply. I would like to think that he would own it and not drag them any further into this mess than they need to be but last night has proved that you can never really know someone. He always told me he hated cheaters and would never do that. If he didn't want to be with me he would say not cheat but when I confronted him he did sort of try to imply it was my fault but I shut that down straight away.

11 year old is extremely mature for his age and is likely to ask questions. 7 year old also likely to ask lots of questions.

I haven't spoken to him since I told him to leave and he hasn't messaged or anything so not sure how this is all going to play out today.

@Shayisgreat

That is my issue I don't want to lie to them and they will have to know sooner rather than later but I just don't know how to even start that conversation. Youngest has just woken up and asked where Dad is so I've said he has gone to work already which isn't unusual for him to do so will buy me some time this morning while I process.

They don’t need to know he cheated, and should not be told this. You tell them together that you are going to live apart because you can’t be together any more but both love them very much.

You don’t need to tell them this immediately and I would recommend taking a few days to get to grips with it yourself before speaking to them. In the meantime Dad can be “away with work” or “visiting a friend”.

When this happened to me, I insisted that ex and I see a therapist together to work through issues like this - the first task was agreeing on what to say to DD, which we did with the help of the therapist and then delivered the message to DD at the weekend, together.

Do not let your children see you angry/crying/sad. Their lives are about to change forever in a way they have no control over. They don’t need to be burdened with the adults’ feelings about this change on top of their own.

I don't think you need to tell them anything today beyond saying that dad is staying with grandparents for a little while. Then you can plan the next steps in relation to what life is going to look like in the future. Once there's a plan, you can sit the children down and explain all of this. I don't know your circumstances re: finances, accommodation, working arrangements but it is likely that you and your partner will need to have some sort of agreement about the next steps and it is better for you both to be giving the same message to the children about this. It is also better to have that convo after the initial shock and hurt subsides slightly so that you're not making decisions in anger or without thinking through the repercussions.

I think it is absolutely ok for them to see you upset. Not all the time but they will find it equally odd if you're robotic about it.

Hi, you need to tell them together and don’t mention affair yet. Maybe when they’re older. It’s ok to get upset in front of them. It would be weird if you weren’t sad about your marriage ending but you do also need to be strong for them. Sadness, anger etc are all normal. Just make sure you let them know you can support them too. I do agree that children shouldn’t be burdened but showing some emotion won’t necessarily burden them. It depends how it is done.

Everyone is talking so much sense so thank you.

In regards to finances, home, work etc we have a joint mortgage our own home but have no joint accounts or shared money. He pays the mortgage and I pay other bills. This has always worked well for us but is now going to take some navigating. One of the things that hurts is that our home is currently for sale as we were looking to buy a bigger property (his idea) and now I don't know how I am going to afford to keep a roof over my kids head.
He works full time and I work about 23 hours a week term time so I suppose one good thing is I'm off for the 6 weeks holiday so don't have to try and juggle work right now too.
I'm just so sad for how my children's lives are going to change through no fault of their own.

So don't lie. If you are absolutely sure it's over, tell them that.

We've had X happy years together but sometimes things go wrong and no matter how much you love a partner, sometimes you cannot stay together. Our relationship as adults is over and it isn't right to involve you in the details but we both love you and we always will because while adults may sometimes choose to part, parents will always love their children and we will make sure you're OK.

It's going to be a shock and you're going to feel a lot of things. That's OK. We will get through it together. We will have a quiet week and then start thinking about how to make sure you can see both of us as often as you like.

this must all be so raw OP

lean in to having time and space to figure this out
week 1 - dad is staying away/ figure out short term plan for him to get stuff and see kids
Week 2 - agree what you’re going to say. Firm up some plans and interim arrangements

re your house sale - can you stop it or put a pause on it?
even if you’re due to be at home, could be worth considering kids clubs etc over the holiday.

Someone I know took advice from a therapist in the same situation (other than they were married) and so they told the children that daddy had a new girlfriend but that means he can’t be married to mummy anymore and he is moving out of the house.

the therapist said that children always know when it’s something bigger than what they’re being told and things like “we still love you but not each other “ isn’t helpful so be g honest in simple terms is best.

it doesn’t have to be accusatory or laying on the blame but it will help them to make sense of why your decision is final and not open for trying again. Especially if there is going to be a new woman suddenly appearing in their lives.

@EggnogNoggin it's definitely over. I've always made it very clear that I have no tolerance for cheating and until last night thought he felt the same.

I think everyone is definitely right about keeping it simple, not mentioning the cheating and making sure they know they are both still very much loved.

He doesn't have any parents as they both died 6 and 4 years ago (I supported him whole heartedly through this and kept our family going while he navigated his grief) so I don't actually know where he has gone or where he plans stay. Probably with the other woman but there is no way my kids will be going there so he will have to make arrangements to see them elsewhere - possibly his sisters.

I just need to keep today as normal as possibly until we can figure out what moving forward looks like.

I'd also ask you to let anyone spending time with them alone what you want said as they may raise it with them.

When I was 15 I was the babysitter for a neighbours 5 year old. I was asked to sit one night and after a few hours I met him sitting on the stairs crying "Daddy's never coming home".

I hadn't been told anything but his reaction was so out of character the normal platitudes didn't feel appropriate. Luckily, as they lived so close, I called my Mum to come over and help and she took over (she had the maturity to handle it sensitively).

We then found out that his parents had split up in the previous few days.

I think your head is all over the place so whatever you tell them make is short, sweet and to the point. I think once you are in a better place you can you can tell them more.

I would go along the lines, that mummy and daddy are going to live in separate houses for a while to see if it make us happier than living together. But we both still love you very much, it’s nothing you have done or could have done differently.

This!

No drama but honest. My psychotherapist dad would agree!

I will never forget my son’s friend, who was an only child, aged around 8, coming round and telling us that his Mum and Dad would no longer be living together.
He had so many questions that I had no idea how to answer. I didn’t know the reasons. He had been aware of them arguing lots ( I assume they thought he was asleep. They were never in front of him.).
He just wanted them to make up. He couldn’t understand why they had to live separately.
He found out weeks later that his father had an affair, and had moved in with the OW.
He actually reacted to that better than anyone thought, as he then knew that there was a reason for his parents to live apart, even though he didn’t fully understand it.
I know we all want to protect our children from harm, and make them feel as secure as possible, but the fact remains that if parents separate it affects them massively. Whilst they don’t need all the details I think they need to know that there was an important trigger.

I absolutely wouldn’t tell them daddy has cheated. They shouldn’t know this level of detail. Just say daddy has decided he wants to live on his own or something.

A therapist once said to me it’s not good to have family secrets as they eventually come out. It’s prob better they know from the start why - rather than discovering later it would be hard to have that kept a secret from them and it would be like what else have I not been told.

Kids are not stupid and see more than we think. When the time is right, tell them the truth in very simple terms. They will find out one day anyway and will appreciate your honesty.

It's not right to tell the kids he cheated, that could turn them against him as they'll feel the need to be loyal to you which isn't anyway fair on them to take on that burden, he's your ex not theirs. I'd wait til you and ex have discussed logistics about when he's going to be having the kids and when you will then I'd say to kids "Mum and Dad both love you very much, however we don't wish to remain together so Dad will be moving out on (Date) but don't worry you will still see him (whatever the arrangements are) starting (Date)" if they ask for further details tell them they're too young for that conversation.

I don't actually know where he has gone or where he plans stay. Probably with the other woman but there is no way my kids will be going there so he will have to make arrangements to see them elsewhere

I would approach that as a polite request rather than a demand and hope that he respects it, ultimately you have no say in it.

Someone I know took advice from a therapist in the same situation (other than they were married) and so they told the children that daddy had a new girlfriend but that means he can’t be married to mummy anymore and he is moving out of the house.

I've no experience of such a situation and not a therapist but this sounds eminently sensible to me - factual and direct so as not to confuse and further traumatise the children. Sounds better than mummy and daddy suddenly living separately for no apparent reason.

Wishing you well OP.

I think the main thing is trying not to focus on either punishing him or taking stances like “it should be up to him to tell them” and rather focussing solely on what is best for the children, and that might be for you to say that he has moved out and try not to bad mouth him. Save the bad mouthing for over wine with friends as difficult as that will be.

I’d contact your selling agent and ask to put a pause on the sale for now as you don’t want to be steamrolled into making decisions on the property.