Page 4 | Partner cheated - what to tell the kids?

Mytimenow25 · 2025-07-28T05:22:03+00:00

Long time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle. Found out late last night/early this morning that my partner of 16 years, who I share 2 children with (11 and 7), has been cheating on me with someone from his work. I told him to leave immediately and have no intention to hear him out or consider saving our relationship. My issue is what do we tell the children? I'm of the opinion that it is down to him to tell them we are no longer together and he will no longer be living here but do they really need to know that it is because he was cheating? Head is all over the place and I feel physically sick but my main concern is doing what is right/best for my children and the things that are going to cause them the least upset. Thanks for reading and like I said this is very new so please be kind.

financialcareerstuff · 28/07/2025 15:03

Elektra1 · 28/07/2025 08:38

Sorry but I think “Daddy has a new gf” is awful advice if you want the kids to have a decent relationship with him in future. There is no way that message can be imparted without children blaming dad and the new gf for the breakdown of their family unit. Of course that is exactly what some mothers want in this scenario, but it isn’t what’s best for the kids.

It’s not bad advice if it’s true. It’s very different from saying daddy cheated. ‘Daddy cheated’ is explicitly saying dad did something wrong- all kids know cheating is bad. But kids below 10 often don’t automatically think it’s wrong to have a girlfriend. They don’t know about wedding vows, faithfulness how sex is connected to relationships etc….. but it gives them a true reason that makes it clear there is a proper cause that is not their fault. And it’s consistent and prepares them for meeting new people etc.

when my ex cheated dd was 6, we told her that daddy loves someone else (which was true - they are still together 10 years later). At 6, she did not atall connect that that was a wrong thing- I think she mainly thought it was interesting to have a new friend in this woman, who she liked. She did at one point ask if we could all live together because she liked everybody, and I just said no, it doesn’t work like that. She has never been angry with him or her, and I’m sure ‘cheated’ is not part of her awareness. Kids absorb what they are ready for from the information they are given, if it is just given factually in an age appropriate way. Dd is now 15 and has never asked from her more mature standpoint why we broke up. She may do at some point and if so her dad will need to deal with that. But at least she was never lied to.

heroinechic · 28/07/2025 15:06

I think you need to speak to him and find out what his plans are before telling the children anything. You don’t want to tell the children that daddy won’t be living here anymore, only for him to show up later on. He has rights to be there so ultimately you can’t keep him out. I would assume that he’d have to decency to make other accommodation plans but you should find out first. He might be planning to stay there until the house sells and he gets equity to buy elsewhere.

I think the most important thing is to not apportion blame to either of you in front of the children. Obviously you know it’s his fault, but they don’t need to know that. It will only make them feel that they need to choose sides/create feelings of guilt. It could also lead to your STBXH creating his own narrative “daddy felt unloved” or whatever crap cheaters come out with.

They just need to know that you both love them immensely and are there for them if they have any questions. It would also be helpful if STBXH knows where he will be living, so that they can be told when/where they will be seeing him going forward x

Elektra1 · 28/07/2025 15:09

CowTown · 28/07/2025 14:29

I come at this with a different view….as the child. The cheating parent made out that they were being turfed out and that the “victim” wouldn’t let them move back in. At a family birthday dinner for one of us children (it was an effort to co-parent), the cheater asked to move back in, cried, got us kids crying, and all of us were crying and begging the “victim” to let the cheater back into the house and bring our family back together again. As a child, I saw this all as being the “victim’s” fault.

If they had just been honest about the cheater having a new partner, it would have been much easier to understand than just the vague, “Mummy and Daddy aren’t living together anymore.”

Show quote history

I’m sorry you had that experience. My recommendation as to how to communicate the separation to the kids is dependent on both parents maintaining neutrality as to the split. Obviously it wouldn’t work if the “abandoned” one was calm and reasonable while the “cheater” was hysterical.

Oxo01 · 28/07/2025 15:14

I think you should wait a few days he may call later and discuss if you stay in the house and him somewhere else (so then you take home off the market for now)
Also what you both say to children.

Would he be the type to say he is still coming home / living there as its joint morgage untill its sold ?

CowTown · 28/07/2025 15:14

Elektra1 · 28/07/2025 15:09

I’m sorry you had that experience. My recommendation as to how to communicate the separation to the kids is dependent on both parents maintaining neutrality as to the split. Obviously it wouldn’t work if the “abandoned” one was calm and reasonable while the “cheater” was hysterical.

Show quote history

The cheater wasn’t hysterical—yes, they cried. It was the children who were hysterically crying, because we wanted our family back, the cheater wanted to come back, and the victim said no. We couldn’t understand why we couldn’t be a family again.

Echobelly · 28/07/2025 15:17

Sorry this happened to you , I'd agree with PPs that there's no need to say he's cheated. You can just say problems between the two of you (and emphasise, especially to youngest, not the kids' fault in any way) so he is moving out.

You can tell them why when it feels appropriate and/or they are older.

Lilaclinacre · 28/07/2025 15:25

Its very early days OP and im sorry this is happening. I would give it some time and not knee jerk. Just carry on and see how you feel for a little while.

BuddhaAtSea · 28/07/2025 15:27

I would say that daddy loves another woman and that means the marriage is over, but he is still their dad, just not your husband, so he will live elsewhere.
As for you, the first thing to do is fully understand that he is no longer your partner, he hasn’t got your best interest at heart and don’t expect him to put the children first. He proved that to you when he cheated. You make the rules for yourself. File for divorce, go to court if he doesn’t agree with 75% to you, 25% to him. And never ever expect anything from him

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2025 16:08

I would say you're separating as you can't be husband and wife anymore but you are still mummy and daddy who live in different homes and love them very much.

Is he going to stick to the agreement of not living in his home? He has every right legally to stay there sadly for you

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2025 16:08

Also, children will have lots of questions that you don't have answers to yet. So this week it might be he's gone to visit uncle Graham or wherever he is staying

EsmeSusanOgg · 28/07/2025 16:40

Elektra1 · 28/07/2025 14:21

It’s a question of emphasis and what young children are capable of understanding. Children are fairly binary in their understanding of things. Something is person A’s fault or person B’s fault. So telling children that Daddy’s off because he’s got another gf, is going to make it “his fault” when in reality people do not cheat and have affairs just because they fancied it. I say that as someone who was cheated on and left myself.

It is not “lying” to say to young kids that Mum and Dad have decided to separate because they don’t want to be together any more. That’s the truth. And if the “reason” is that “Mum won’t have Dad here because Dad cheated”, then that doesn’t fairly reflect what is likely to have gone on. Bottom line is usually that relationship broke down because of mistakes made on both sides. Yes he cheated, but before that the relationship was obviously not great, at least not from his perspective, or he wouldn’t have done it. And again, I say that as someone who was the “victim” in the same scenario.

Children don’t need to know about any of this. It’s unfair to them and anyone saying “they need to know the facts” is hiding behind that to serve their own desire to be “the innocent party”.

Show quote history

I'm in my 40s. And if someone has an affair and causes the breakup of a partnership it is that person's fault. Objectively.

In many instances, there are other things at play that lead to the cheating. But it is is objectively one person who has done something unforgivable that is at fault.

BUT that does not mean that the cheating partner is not a good and loving parent. That they do not live their children.

Elektra1 · 28/07/2025 17:03

EsmeSusanOgg · 28/07/2025 16:40

I'm in my 40s. And if someone has an affair and causes the breakup of a partnership it is that person's fault. Objectively.

In many instances, there are other things at play that lead to the cheating. But it is is objectively one person who has done something unforgivable that is at fault.

BUT that does not mean that the cheating partner is not a good and loving parent. That they do not live their children.

Show quote history

I think that’s overly reductive as a POV but I’ve had a lot of therapy since being left for OW

GreenCandleWax · 28/07/2025 17:04

Mytimenow25 · 28/07/2025 06:32

@Brenna24

Thank you for your reply. I would like to think that he would own it and not drag them any further into this mess than they need to be but last night has proved that you can never really know someone. He always told me he hated cheaters and would never do that. If he didn't want to be with me he would say not cheat but when I confronted him he did sort of try to imply it was my fault but I shut that down straight away.

11 year old is extremely mature for his age and is likely to ask questions. 7 year old also likely to ask lots of questions.

I haven't spoken to him since I told him to leave and he hasn't messaged or anything so not sure how this is all going to play out today.

Take control of the narrative OP for your DC's sake. Otherwise you will be dealing with the fallout of whatever ill-considered thing DH may say, on top of everything else. Brenna24's words upthread are perfect. I hope you are OK and your DC too.🌸

Elektra1 · 28/07/2025 17:05

CowTown · 28/07/2025 15:14

The cheater wasn’t hysterical—yes, they cried. It was the children who were hysterically crying, because we wanted our family back, the cheater wanted to come back, and the victim said no. We couldn’t understand why we couldn’t be a family again.

Show quote history

My point was that both parents should be neutral about the reasons and present the fact that the marriage is over as a united front for the benefit of the children. Clearly in your family this didn’t happen, which is a shame.

Muffinmam · 28/07/2025 17:12

You tell them the truth. You don’t lie.

You tell them that their father has left the house after you found out he has started a romantic relationship with a woman he works with.

You can’t make things up or soften the blow. He left because he’s a cheater - but you say it without anger.

Pinkissmart · 28/07/2025 17:18

This is one of the most important conversations you'll ever have in your life. Do you really want to leave it to your ( now) ex?

There's no need for them to know details, but it is important to be united in this, and be their parents.
Have some details ready on how things will work going forward- they will be confused and be looking to you both for clarity.

Like it or not, you are no longer partners, but you will always be co- parents. This is not a time to let emotions get in the way.

Original poster

Mytimenow25 · 28/07/2025 17:30

Update - so he came over after work and we sat the kids down together. He told them that we aren't together anymore, he is going to go and live somewhere else, he loves them and that will never change, he will still see them whenever they want and they can phone and text him whenever they want and that it is his fault not mine but didnt go into more detail than that.
They both sobbed, which broke me, and the 7 Yr old had loads of questions which I have done my best to answer as neutrally as possible. The 11 year old, who I think now ex underestimates, was very quiet until his brother left the room then turned to his dad and said " right now he isn't in the room tell me the truth, what have you done" to which ex had no other answer other than he has cheated. 11 year old walked off to his bedroom and waited for his dad to leave before coming out and sobbing.
I've told them both that our love for them will never change and I will do my absolute best to help them through this as easily as I can. For now they know they are staying in the family home with me - ex has told me if I want to take it off the market and stay here he will continue to pay the mortgage (big of him).

He tried to engage me in conversation about logistics but I told him that would be a conversation we had when the kids were not here and would not be happening today.

Now going to get my children some food and snuggle up on the sofa in front of the TV with them and squeeze them a little tighter tonight.

OP posts:

LoveItaly · 28/07/2025 17:45

It’s very sad but I think you have handled it wonderfully. All the best to you and your lovely children.

Guavafish1 · 28/07/2025 17:53

I would tell them the truth.

Just say, ‘Daddy has hurt your heart because he had another girlfriend.’

Then say, ‘I love you both, but I no longer want to live with Daddy.’

Finally, say, ‘Mum and Dad both love you very much, but in the future, we will see you separately

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/07/2025 18:22

Well at least he’s done the decent thing in this aspect. This must be so hard for you right now OP, but having seen this story play out many times before I know what tends to happen is that over time you start to see all the ways you were having to compromise who you are to accommodate him, and you don’t have to any more. A few people stay broken hearted forever, but that’s less common. Generally people end up happier in themselves in the long run. He’s not who you thought he was, he’s a lier and a cheat, and that makes him not a nice guy. Right now it’s devastating, but it will get easier. Hold your babies close and go easy on yourself. It’s a huge thing to process. Give yourself time. Big hugs.

Elmaas · 28/07/2025 19:05

At least the truth is out there.
I feel so sorry.
I hope he is happy with his choices, having broken his familys hearts.
I hope it was worth it.
You will all get throught this, they are lucky to have a great mum at least.

LaplandBerries · 28/07/2025 19:18

GreyCarpet · 28/07/2025 08:46

Mine were 6 and 13 when this happened.

I told them that daddy had a girlfriend and you weren't allowed to have a girlfriend when you were married to someome else so he was going to move out.

I presented it really matter of factly without emotion and focused on making sure they understood that they were still going to see him and that he still loved them very much and I did too.

They don't really care, so much, about the whys at those ages, they're more concerned about what it means for them. That's the bit to focus on.

The intention, on my part, was to make sure they felt safe - yes we were going to carry on living in the same house, yes they were still going to see their dad, yes their dad still loved them, yes I still loved them too...

You can't control what he does next regarding the children in reality but you make your intention clear and they'll have their own big emotions to process now and they don't need to deal with their parents' big emotions too.

I actually found that being calm and focusing on them made the whole thing a lot easier. That doesn't mean I didn't end up on my neighbours doorstep in tears at 10pm or fall apart many times along the way but that's the part I hid from them.

You will be ok even of it doesn't feel like it right now.

I think this is sensible. Saying Mummy and Daddy don’t love each other any more without giving a reason is more worrying. Also, the older DC will know about cheating spouses from friends.

Elektra1 · 28/07/2025 19:46

One step at a time. I remember my ex was very keen to focus on practicalities as well - perhaps that’s a way to help them feel less guilty and more like they’re “helping”.

Just keep on being there for your kids, answering their questions - but make sure you’re leaning on your friends and family for support for you too.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 28/07/2025 20:51

Well done OP, sounds like you handled it really well.
As a 10yo in this situation, the truth is absolutely the best way to go. Not in an emotional, blaming way, but a straightforward and honest way. Children know when they're not being told the truth, and it's scarier and more unsettling than having things laid out in an understandable way.

Laura95167 · 28/07/2025 20:54

I think you need to give yourself some processing time before you say something.. this is a big and awful shock.

Then I think, while he deserves the responsibility.. it might be best doing it together. While your marriage may end rhe coparenting wont. They need a consistent message, and they need to see its consistent. So if you arent too upset to manage it you probably want to do it together. Love them more than you hate him. Even if he deserves it

I wouldnt tell them more than you need to. It must be so tempting to say its daddy's fault. Everyone understands that. But i think theyre too little for that. Id keep it simple, but answer their questions which will be more about the effects on them than between you both.

This is awful. I hope you have a great support system.