Partner cheated - what to tell the kids?

[Mytimenow25]

Long time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle.

Found out late last night/early this morning that my partner of 16 years, who I share 2 children with (11 and 7), has been cheating on me with someone from his work. I told him to leave immediately and have no intention to hear him out or consider saving our relationship.

My issue is what do we tell the children? I'm of the opinion that it is down to him to tell them we are no longer together and he will no longer be living here but do they really need to know that it is because he was cheating?

Head is all over the place and I feel physically sick but my main concern is doing what is right/best for my children and the things that are going to cause them the least upset.

Thanks for reading and like I said this is very new so please be kind.

What a horrible situation to be dealing with.
Im a grandma now and I never remember my parents together because my father had an affair and my mum took us to live with my grandparents. But when I was growing up I always blamed my mum, why would she take me away from my lovely daddy whom I adored. It unfortunately coloured the relationship I had with her but she never explained or bad mouthed him to me. I inadvertently found out when I was in my mid twenties and my relationship with him never recovered, because I remembered her taking the blame, I remembered his new wife and friends blaming my mum, just all the lies and the unfairness of the situation stung me as a young woman.
I’m not sure I’m explaining very well or if it’s helpful to you, but secrets are never good, I wish I’d been told at an appropriate age because I did find out and the fallout from it was massive.

@Greycarpet I just think its far too soon and OP needs to have a think about what she's going to do. Children shouldn't be burdened at this stage. I don't dispute that OP can choose to her children. At the moment I don't think its best.

Shock does hit you in waves so whatever OP feels today will likely be another emotion at the end of the week and so on. 16 years is a long time.

But it's true and lying generally isn't better for anyone - especially as for all the OP knows he could be living with the OW right now. If he wants to introduce the new woman tomorrow then there is literally nothing she could do to stop him if the kids were with him.

There doesn't have to be any mention of cheating or that he's bad, it can be done very gently but it makes no sense to pretend nothing has happened. They may even blame the OP then as he's the one that's left so for al they know she might have sent him away. Otherwise they'll be desperately trying to understand why this has happened and might blame themselves if they can't find any other reason - no matter what the OP says. Alternatively they might desperately try to get them back together if they think there's no real reason for it.

Much better to be honest then them find out later by accident. I remember when my parents lied to me about what happened to my rabbit 'to protect me' it was much worse when I later found out they'd lied, I didn't trust them any more.

What i would say though OP is to know as much as possible about what's going to happen for them before you tell them anything. Where they are going to live, when and where they are going to see their dad. If your answer to all their questions is 'don't know yet' then they are going to feel like their lives are going completely out of control.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. It is really helping reading all of your messages. I haven't heard anything from him at all today but have busied myself with the kids and got them out of the house for a few hours. He should finish work at 4 so will see if he appears or messages then, if not I will sit the children down and explain as best I can that he wont be coming home etc.

OP, it strikes me that you are rushing into a lot of very big decisions. Maybe you need time to think things over? And, in spite of what you say, you also need to be 100% sure that you want to end your marriage - your view may change over the next few days or weeks.
So perhaps it is too soon to say anything to the children, just now? A bit of time and caution won't do any harm.

That's pretty much how my mom told me. I knew it anyway. But it keeps the record straight because some cheating spouses will lie and place the blame on the other spouse for the marriage splitting up so it can save the kids from attempted parental alienation.

Agreed. He is likely to say that you kicked him out, or that you won’t let him stay in the family home anymore.

Keep it honest, but simple. Daddy decided to have two girlfriends, and that doesn’t work for me, so I won’t be his girlfriend anymore.

I've never quite understood this. Surely it is better to be honest from the offset. The children will find out, and it leaves the partner who has been betrayed in an awkward spot trying to cover for their exes behaviour - which means lying/ deceiving the children. A betrayal by both parents then.

There are ways of being honest, without being negative about the cheating-partner's love for their children/ parenting abilities.

Exactly. And it’s also a learning opportunity about boundaries.

You don’t have to go all, “Your father is a lying, cheating bastard.” A simple explanation of what’s happening, and that crosses your boundaries, so you’re not accepting it, is far better.

This seems a much better approach. Children are people, often quite intelligent people.

Yes. You also want them to learn how to have healthy relationships.

Being honest is not the same as alienating children.

Your children, in my opinion are too young to understand the dynamics of adult relationships, and neither should they be expected too. There is no need to tell the children their Dad cheated. That is a conversation for when both children are much older. At the end of the day, regardless of how you feel towards your husband (he's an arsehole by the way), your children still need to have a relationship with him. Telling them, their Dad cheated, is going to cause the relationship with their Dad to deteriorate. My opinion is that you need to discuss this with your husband or rather you tell him that you're going to tell them that 'Mum and Dad have decided to separate, so Dad won't be living here anymore, you've done nothing wrong, you'll be staying in the house, going to the same schools and will see Dad regularly but most importantly we both love you very much'. I'm sure that you'll get asked why you're separating. I would say that 'sometimes adults fall out of love, it's no one's fault, it just happens'. Of course, if your husband is planning on moving in with the OW, it may be difficult to say that, and that's why really you need a conversation with your husband. You both at least where the children are concerned, need to be on the same page. Not telling the children the truth, doesn't mean he's 'getting away with it', it means your priority is to protect your children from the truth, so their lives are made slightly easier. Separation/divorce is hard enough on children, without them having to carry around the reason why, and be expected to deal with it.

Give yourself time, absolutely kick him out/move him to the sofa.
The pain & anger will still be there just go with it (as if you can do anything else) I hope you have a friend who will nod , smile & be supportive you can vent your anger too.
Eat something, go out for a walk, find a podcast or two (i like Luke Shillings)

It’s a question of emphasis and what young children are capable of understanding. Children are fairly binary in their understanding of things. Something is person A’s fault or person B’s fault. So telling children that Daddy’s off because he’s got another gf, is going to make it “his fault” when in reality people do not cheat and have affairs just because they fancied it. I say that as someone who was cheated on and left myself.

It is not “lying” to say to young kids that Mum and Dad have decided to separate because they don’t want to be together any more. That’s the truth. And if the “reason” is that “Mum won’t have Dad here because Dad cheated”, then that doesn’t fairly reflect what is likely to have gone on. Bottom line is usually that relationship broke down because of mistakes made on both sides. Yes he cheated, but before that the relationship was obviously not great, at least not from his perspective, or he wouldn’t have done it. And again, I say that as someone who was the “victim” in the same scenario.

Children don’t need to know about any of this. It’s unfair to them and anyone saying “they need to know the facts” is hiding behind that to serve their own desire to be “the innocent party”.

Completely agree with Daddy has a new girlfriend and that means he cannot live with us anymore.
The simple truth in plain language.

He has cheated on his children too, never forget that.
He chose this colleague over his own children and that is his burden.
Do not get caught covering for him, you will bitterly regret it.
Children hate being lied to above all else.
Respect them enough to tell the simple truth painful though it will be.
Don't leave it up to him to mangle to suit himself.

He could say "mummy and I dont get on anymore so I will move out"....playing the victim.

Control the narrative and give them the truth.
I'm so sorry.

I come at this with a different view….as the child. The cheating parent made out that they were being turfed out and that the “victim” wouldn’t let them move back in. At a family birthday dinner for one of us children (it was an effort to co-parent), the cheater asked to move back in, cried, got us kids crying, and all of us were crying and begging the “victim” to let the cheater back into the house and bring our family back together again. As a child, I saw this all as being the “victim’s” fault.

If they had just been honest about the cheater having a new partner, it would have been much easier to understand than just the vague, “Mummy and Daddy aren’t living together anymore.”

Gosh, that sounds awful!

This is the most perfect response.

I do remember being really shocked when we told my boys. Expecting the oldest to be okay and it was the opposite. It's not an easy task at all.

That is what a srlfish cheating prick will do.
It was as an adult my friend found out the truth.
It had soured her relationship with her mother as it was all poor Dad.
When she found out she was pissed with her mother for allowing him to lie.

She severed her relationship with her father, as did her brother and sister.
It marred their teenage years.
Tell them the truth and put the responsibility for his future relationship on his shoulders based on the facts.

Cheaters are very good at the DARVO playbook, and children struggle to understand that.

Whatever you do, don't lie to the children. That will devastate them much more.

Also, let them see some of your sorrow. They will want to know how grief works so they can deal with their own. You can do this without burdening them.

Really good advice to keep repeating that there is nothing they could do to make it happen and nothing they could do to stop it happening. Its not their fault.

Likewise, my gut instinct is to find a way to tell them Dad has someone else - children long and hope for their parents to be together. Someone upthread said how a child coped better knowing and j think that’s because they realised they had to let go of hope. There's a certain resignation that helps you heal and move on.

I'm really sorry OP. I can tell you this, you will all heal. I know its hard to believe it now

I think you really mustn’t tell them about the cheating - that’s your desire for vindication and to apportion blame speaking. It won’t do them any good to hear that.

I would tell them myself and not wait for him, but I would say something neutral like “Mum and Dad can’t live together any more but we both still love you very much, and will make sure we are both there for you.” It’s fine to put it as a joint decision I think.

Agreed. Being honest avoids all of these childhood questions:

They won’t think it’s their fault, because they will have been told that the reason is that Daddy has a new girlfriend.

They won’t be waiting for a reconciliation because Daddy has a new girlfriend.

Honesty at a level that children can understand is always best.

It is possible to be 100% certain that infidelity is a deal breaker without taking time to think about it. It’s such a complete breach of trust that there’s no going back from it.

Also, a bit of time gives him the opportunity to tell the kids his made up version of events that paints OP as the villain. This is not a nice guy we’re talking about, he can’t be trusted.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. It's horrible. I was advised by a highly qualified and experienced therapist to answer their questions truthfully but factually. Don't give them additional information about the reasons for the split just answer what they ask.
They need to know that both their parents love them and will do their best by their children now and in the future. If your situation genuinely means you can't honestly reassure them that their father will do this, just focus on telling them you love them and will not be leaving them.