Partner cheated - what to tell the kids?

[Mytimenow25]

Long time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle.

Found out late last night/early this morning that my partner of 16 years, who I share 2 children with (11 and 7), has been cheating on me with someone from his work. I told him to leave immediately and have no intention to hear him out or consider saving our relationship.

My issue is what do we tell the children? I'm of the opinion that it is down to him to tell them we are no longer together and he will no longer be living here but do they really need to know that it is because he was cheating?

Head is all over the place and I feel physically sick but my main concern is doing what is right/best for my children and the things that are going to cause them the least upset.

Thanks for reading and like I said this is very new so please be kind.

Sorry but I think “Daddy has a new gf” is awful advice if you want the kids to have a decent relationship with him in future. There is no way that message can be imparted without children blaming dad and the new gf for the breakdown of their family unit. Of course that is exactly what some mothers want in this scenario, but it isn’t what’s best for the kids.

Sorry OP, this must be so sad for you. I would give yourself a few days, just to absorb everything that's happened to you. Your feelings must be so raw. You have to look after yourself as well.

Mine were 6 and 13 when this happened.

I told them that daddy had a girlfriend and you weren't allowed to have a girlfriend when you were married to someome else so he was going to move out.

I presented it really matter of factly without emotion and focused on making sure they understood that they were still going to see him and that he still loved them very much and I did too.

They don't really care, so much, about the whys at those ages, they're more concerned about what it means for them. That's the bit to focus on.

The intention, on my part, was to make sure they felt safe - yes we were going to carry on living in the same house, yes they were still going to see their dad, yes their dad still loved them, yes I still loved them too...

You can't control what he does next regarding the children in reality but you make your intention clear and they'll have their own big emotions to process now and they don't need to deal with their parents' big emotions too.

I actually found that being calm and focusing on them made the whole thing a lot easier. That doesn't mean I didn't end up on my neighbours doorstep in tears at 10pm or fall apart many times along the way but that's the part I hid from them.

You will be ok even of it doesn't feel like it right now.

I will guarantee that however good a man you think he is don't count on him owning it or not trying to make this your fault.

OP I agree that the kids shouldn’t be told the full story right now, but in the coming weeks they absolutely should know the truth. Why should they be lied to, about the biggest thing in their lives so far? In 10 years time, will you still pretend it was a nice amicable mutual split? When they blame you for making Daddy leave, will you let them think it was all your fault? When you’re crying because of the pain, they’ll be baffled at why you’re sad, considering it was a “mutual” decision. And when they’re introduced to the OW, they’ll be even more confused.

I would try and keep it as calm as possible, but over the coming weeks/months, tell the kids that Daddy loves them as much as ever, but has found someone he likes better than Mummy, so he’s gone to that person.

If you try and maintain an amicable fiction, you can bet your life your DH won’t. He’ll tell them nasty Mummy kicked him out, and they’ll blame you. You’ll get increasingly angry and eventually snap, and the truth will come out in the worst way. Far better to be honest from the start.

I'd take house off market first thing to buy you time to think you don't need that pressure.
I'd be goggling solicitors today.
I'd also be thinking about how I can increase my earnings.
Hopefully you'll hear from him today and he can come tell the kids but agree with others they dont need the details.
Good luck op

My children have a great relationship with their dad, which was always mine and his intention.

You cant avoid the truth and you have to tell them something. Its better than saying mummy and daddy dont love each other anymore because that casts doubt over whether mummy and daddy will still love them and no reason allows them to fill in the blanks themselves. It's what he does next that determines his relationship with his children.

He and I agreed to always keep our differences/disagreements away from the children after we split precisely because we both wanted them to feel prioritised, safe and secure and we achieved that. They're both adults and our individual relationships with the children reflect the effort each of us put in over the years and not the fact they know why we split up.

@GreyCarpetwe can disagree. Children will work out the real reason as they get older. As young children it is unhelpful for them to know that one parent has left the other for a new partner.

They absolutely deserve the truth, it feels so much safer to a child as they always know when they're not being told everything. You don't have to say cheated, just he met someone else but I absolutely would tell them.

Depends on the situation.

I was all about telling the kids in age appropriate way and I would have if OW had stayed on the scene. When their affair came to life she retreated to her H.

My son knows I left his dad because we couldn’t live together anymore and I made decision to leave which is true.

He will find out the truth when he’s mature enough to understand cheating

XH is remorseful and regretful.We rely on each other on childcare to enable us to work. It’s easier to coparent without animosity.

Each situation is different.

Do whatever’s best for YOU and your DC.

Hugs ((()))@Mytimenow25 💐

Yep agree with other posters. The absolute main thing is they need to know none of what’s happened is their fault, and they are loved the same by mum and dad, for ever. Etc. Obv questions may come and answer them as honestly as possible without any blame (tough obv, but best for them).

I wouldn’t tell the children he cheated. I’d say you were unhappy together and have split up but dad will see you lots and we both love you.
whilst I would want the kids to know I’m not responsible for this mess it’s better for them to love and respect both their parents.

My marriage ended when XH told me he was probably gay.

We told the DC (10 and 7 at the time) that it was because we didn't love each other anymore but it's a different kind of love between adults than the love a parent has for a child and our love for them would never change.

They took it very badly because it came totally out of the blue. It was a further two years before DC2 knew that it was because XH was gay (he didn't want to tell them but ended up telling DC1 after about a year) and both children found it much easier to accept when there was an understandable reason.

Coincidentally, parents of one of DC2's friends had got divorced not that long before my marriage ended. There was one occasion when my DC were chatting in the car and DC2 commented that when parents split up it's because the daddy has a new girlfriend. When XH was out "finding himself" in gay clubs/meetups/sports clubs after we separated but before he moved out, DC1 asked me once where his dad was all the time when he wasn't at home and DC2 said immediately "he must be with his new girlfriend". Now, I was in the "fortunate" position of being able to say completely honestly that daddy definitely didn't have a new girlfriend. But children pick up on all sorts of things from various places, so I think being factual may be the best way to go. If your DC are aware of friends' parents separating and then having new partners, it might be that they jump to that conclusion anyway.

Although, OP, I would perhaps wait a bit. Because if your H's relationship with OW doesn't survive once you and he have separated, your DC may never need to know about her (or perhaps not until they're much older).

Most advice I have ever read is for the parents to tell the DC together and to do something afterwards to reinforce the message that you are still family even if mum and dad aren't a couple anymore.

And be prepared for your H to come back, because if you're both on the mortgage then you are both equally entitled to be in the house. If he can stay somewhere else then that's better all round, but legally he has every right to stay in the house he co-owns.

Good luck.

Tell them the truth. Simply. Tell your ex that you both need to tell them. Preferably have him say it in front of you.
‘ Daddy has a new girlfriend and he’ll be living elsewhere now but he loves you very much. ‘
otherwise it will get messy, you’ll be blamed by the kids, they’ll think you are creating the problems. You will inadvertently create way more problems if you hide the truth. Their innocence will take a huge knock anyway, just get it out now, then the repair can start sooner. Don’t create a situation where they can’t trust you.

This!

It’s going to be a huge upheaval for them whatever you do. If you don’t tell them the truth first, that leaves him the opportunity to tell them a big pile of lies to make them think it’s all your fault. You might think he wouldn’t do that, but presumably you also thought he wouldn’t cheat. Cheaters are not honest, they are completely selfish and only out for themselves. If he cared about his children properly he wouldn’t have had an affair. He’ll put himself first in the split regardless of the damage he does to you or the children. He’s a lier and liers lie. He’ll lie to the kids just as he’s been lying to you.

Keep it calm. Say daddy had a new girlfriend. Don’t badmouth him. Tell them he still loves them. Reassure them that it’s going to be okay, just different.

God there are some wise heads here. Love to you all.

Mine were the same ages and both asked why straight away.

I didn't tell them and my ex made up a load of bullshit and basically blamed me.

Not telling them did more harm than good in my case. But it's so young...

Be honest in an age appropriate way? Its quite an impossible situation tbh.

Im sorry you find yourself here OP.

Why wouldn't you tell them that he cheated? I'd be honest with them.

Really sorry to read this OP. I would not tell the kids he's been cheating it's hardly appropriate and you need to get your mind straight.

Just say dad has upset mum so daddy is moving out for now. I know you are adamant that it's over but shock comes in stages.

You may be entitled to UC and you can apply to CMS. You sound like you have a good working schedule and it's a bonus you won't have to pay for childcare in school hols. Have you got someone you can speak to IRL?

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

In regard to not telling the children: I think the 11-year-old is going to suss it out pretty quickly. Plus, their friends’ parents will probably find out what’s going on, and you can’t guarantee someone won’t say something to them, Especially if Dad is with this OW.

I have been through this. We told my child asap (not about the cheating part we left that a bit longer) but in hindsight I would have been better to have waited a bit until I felt stronger. I was quite emotional and it would have been better to have been less emotional. Doesnt mean you lie to them but that gives you both time to work out what you want to say. Telling or not telling etc. If he is going to move in or start seeing the OW asap (my exH moved in with her!) then you are going to have to. But emotions are high right now and you have to grieve and feel stronger. if you have to, because he is moving out, then keep it as simple as possible. And remember - he is a total arse, and put is needs above his children, while it is terribly unfair, its important you don't. I am nearly 5 years on now, engaged to someone else and while I didnt see it at the time, it was the best thing that happened to me!

I have been through this although my kids were younger. We told them together and didn’t mention the cheating (years on and they still don’t know, ex is married to OW). Reassuring them that you love them and always will is important.
The key thing is to try to put the kids first even though you are hurting so terribly.
Sending hugs, it does get better.

I think you should take your time before making any decisions about anything.

You found out 12 hours ago that your relationship of 16 years has had a massive jolt. Perhaps you will feel differently in another 12 hours, or another couple of days or a week. Perhaps you will decide that actually you do want to hear your partner out.

If you really do want to cause the children the the least upset, perhaps this will involve saving the relationship. Or at least trying to.

It seems to me that if you told him to leave immediately’ you were prioritising yourself and acting in the heat of the moment, rather than prioritising them and their stability. This may come through a considered break up, at which point you will need to jointly find the right words of explanation. But any solution will take time.

I wouldn’t tell them about the cheating. My dad had an affair and my mum told me, they eventually stayed together but I wish I didn’t know about it. Obviously what my dad done was wrong but he didn’t do it to me, it was between him and my mum within their adult relationship, he was and is a wonderful father and it tainted my relationship with him and how I felt about him and in some regards still does. Let them be kids and keep the adult stuff between the adults. If it is over tell them it’s over but keep the cheating out of it.

I don't disagree with what you've said but Just say dad has upset mum so daddy is moving out for now is where it gets difficult.

Because that makes it into "mum is upset" being the reason dad no longer lives there. It's really hard to do without inevitable questions about why daddy doesn't just say sorry for upsetting mummy and when X upset them at school, they said sorry and now they're friends again.