Refusing responsibility for contraception anymore

[Growingyou]

Maybe this is immature of me but DH has happily accepted me taking responsibility for contraception for over a decade (the pill). We are finished having children and I have been strictly told I cannot use hormonal contraception (I have the broken skull from brain tumour removal to thank for using the pill). DH is refusing condoms or vasectomy and has asked me to figure out another option. Of course, there are non-hormonal options available, but after multiple pregnancies and a craniotomy, AIBU to pass the baton to him and say this is your problem now? ( yes, I know it’s a joint problem, I’m just tired)

I disagree. The sad truth is that this is all too common - I have been on too many threads like this. In real life, my Dh was fine with condoms etc, but there were some robust conversations about why no, I would NOT be having the coil so that he didn't have to have a vasectomy.

A friend, who did NOT want the coil, had her DH melting down that she needed to discuss this with him as it was apparently a JOINT decision that she removed it. Even more mind blowing was that the nurse at the fertility clinic ALSO checked she had discussed it with him and got his agreement first.

It's a thing. A common thing.

MOre likely, OP is not back because she is dealing with real life. Or, that she's a bit traumatised by the robustness of the responses and the suggestions that her husband is showing himself to be a selfish prat.

Well we shall see. But yes if you remove your coil it would be something to discuss with your partner to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

Discuss is very different to getting permission or agreeing it's a joint decision.

It's a woman's decision. Only ONE person makes the decision - the woman. The DISCUSSION part is what the alternative contraception options may be.

No discussion necessary. He simply needs to be told.

How lovely. I mean letting your partner know your plans - to let him know you arent protected anymore.

There are only three options:

1. vasectomy
2. condoms
3. abstention

He takes his pick!

The other options I can think of - femidom (which I believe doesn’t really work if they even sell them any more) or copper coil (surely much more invasive than the above options) - put the onus back on the OP, and are clearly less practical and straight forward than those he has rejected.

Or I guess there’s baby no 4 as an option?

Divorce would also be looking good at this point!

Well that's telling him isn't it? Discussion implies that he gets some say, which he shouldn't given it is not his cervix.

Sex toy or new person to shag. You deserve better.

I think if he was my husband I would take responsibility for contraception and tell him the choices are vasectomy or abstinence. Vasectomy isn’t 100% but is far safer than condoms and OP potentially has a lot to lose if she gets pregnant.

I 100% have never wanted babies. I am more than happy to shoulder the responsibility of making sure that babies never happen. It entailed a bit of effort to find contraception im happy with that means I don't have to worry about catching one.

Your very angry, just what the OP wanted!

Having read the OP's issues (you have read her original post, haven't you ?), what would you suggest for her ?

DIVORCE. I am not usually part of the LTB faction here on Mumsnet but this is appalling. Truly appalling.

He has had the actual audacity to ask you to figure out another option??
Fuck me, what a prize twat.
My other option on this one would be divorce.
Selfishness is not an attractive quality.

So gross of him. I would have no attraction in him. The bar is in hell.

Yes of course ultimately the person using the contraception gets the final say, in the same way a vasectomy is the man's decision and no one else's to make.

I'm absolutely in favour of nobody being pushed into having medical procedures they don't want for whatever reason as I'm a supporter of body autonomy.

However, I'm also absolutely in favour of a woman's right to choose to refuse to take sole responsibility for contraception and to refuse to fill her body with hormones for whatever reason.

It would be condoms or no sex. No other options available on the table.

I have a coil and having it inserted was excruciatingly painful.

Are you not aware that the specifics of a woman's anatomy and experiences influence how painful or pain free a coil insertion is? I've had no children and have had most of the front of my cervix removed.

I can understand his reluctance to have a vasectomy - he is clearly a coward.

But refusal to use condoms is beyond belief. He would rather his wife go through more pain than bag his dick - what a hopeless human.

There's also no guarantee that theOPs husband may not want more kids in the future. Especially if they split up and he gets with someone else

It would be abstinence for me, purely because I couldn't imagine finding his attitude remotely attractive.

Modern vasectomies are frequently reversed if needed

That's ridiculous. If a man ( any man) isnt100 % sure he never wanted any more kids under any circumstances he shouldn't have a vasectomy . Surely there should be some discussion on this with a doctor before having the OP like they do for women's sterilization

What future proofing are you offering OP?

Think you’re missing the whole point of the original post.