Misuse of SAHM terminology

[NotEnoughKnittingTime]

Am I being unreasonable for getting slightly irritated when mothers describe themselves as SAHM when they actually work outside the home? Often see this on tiktok!

To me a SAHM is someone who doesn't bring in any money to the household because they choose to focus on childcare and domestic duties.

And the reason that "matters" in an economic sense is that if you've never brought in any money you're not contributing to the household economic 'pot". Not a judgement at all, but it does change the dynamics of the household and the marriage.

I work from home but I'm not a SAHM because I work.

Someone who is making money within the marriage (unless, maybe, it's a bit of pin money from selling crafts) can't be classified as a SAHM in my book. I wouldn't say a successful, home-based social media influencer is a SAHM. They're a home-based working mum.

All this to and fro about what is work and what isn't. If course looking after your own children is not 'a job' in the paid sense. But regardless of what you want to call it, the simple fact is SOMEONE NEEDS TO DO IT. So you do it yourself. Or you pay someone.

If you pay someone to look after your children for the most part of the day, you can't then claim that you are 'doing everything a SAHP is.' Because patently, you are not.

Claiming otherwise is as nonsensical as the type of husband who comes home in the evening, spends a few hours with the kids doing whatever needs doing and then proclaims he 'does childcare' just the same as his wife who is with them all day every day. No. That would be monumentally deluded and an insult to his wife, surely?

I once saw someone describe themselves as a SAHP because they were on mat leave before returning to their job when their child was 9-10m lol. I think some people like the social kudos from some others.

@Thepeopleversuswork "To me a SAHM is someone who doesn't bring in any money to the household because they choose to focus on childcare and domestic duties."

This is a strange assumption. Focusing on childcare - absolutely. But families with SAHMs have cleaners and help with domestic duties as much as any other family (probably more so in fact).

@Thepeopleversuswork "And the reason that "matters" in an economic sense is that if you've never brought in any money you're not contributing to the household economic 'pot". Not a judgement at all, but it does change the dynamics of the household and the marriage"

You are projecting your own mindset there (and possibly your own experience). You can't comment on dynamics in anyone else's marriages. The most financially abusive men I've come across very much expect their wives to work. And crucially, they are secretive about money (often insisting on separate bank accounts). Those are the marriages with the unhealthy dynamics!

@Thepeopleversuswork "Someone who is making money within the marriage (unless, maybe, it's a bit of pin money from selling crafts) can't be classified as a SAHM in my book"

Of course they can! SAHMs can have passive income, investment portfolios or sidelines as much as anyone else! Why wouldn't they?

Well they have children so are a mum and they stay at home covers the description just not the perception.

@banquepopulaire

You are projecting your own mindset there (and possibly your own experience). You can't comment on dynamics in anyone else's marriages. The most financially abusive men I've come across very much expect their wives to work. And crucially, they are secretive about money (often insisting on separate bank accounts). Those are the marriages with the unhealthy dynamics!

Two can play at projecting their own mindsets. Your assumptions are as much a bias of your own perspective/bias as mine are.

The idea that men who expect their wives to work are more financially abusive than those who don't is utter nonsense. So you believe that a man who seeks a working/economically productive woman is "abusive"? On what grounds?

@Thepeopleversuswork No, if you read what I said, I didn't say that men who expect their wives to work are abusive. Of course not! I said that, of the men I have known and know right now who are abusive, they all expect their wives to work AND do pretty much everything else AND are secretive about money and insist on separate accounts.

So, two single mothers. One child each. Both kids are 10 years old so are in school.

one mother works school hours. One mother doesn’t work.

Neither mother has additional help ie cleaner etc.

the working mother does all jobs when she’s picked the child up from school, the other does it in the daytime.

so how can a working mother not be doing the same as the SAHM?

@namechangeGOT - I don't think many single mums would be a SAHM with just one ten year old in school.

Why does it matter?

I know 3 just on the periphery of my friend group! And I think you’re missing the point!

@namechangeGOT - 3 single mum with one 10 year-old who doesn't work?

I know a LOT of SAHMs and I was one myself for many years. All have combined finances with the DH. All families can easily afford for her not to work. If they couldn't easily afford it, she wouldn't do it! All have multiple children and busy households. Never met a SAHM round here who didn't have a cleaner, many have part-time help or an au pair as well. DC are invariably in independent schools, which, in SW London are competitive entry, meaning that your kids may well end up in different schools. That's the type of set-up. Obviously with 3 or 4 kids, they don't all start school at the same time, so the SAHMs are (for years) dropping one or two at their respective schools in the morning, occupying the toddler(s) and/or baby in the day - taking them to groups, other activities, reading with/ to them, playing with them, socialising them, all the usual - then picking up the older ones, maybe taking them to their clubs or activities; play dates or having their friends over; dinner; homework etc etc etc. It's always changing as the kids get older, obviously. But it's not just one child, in school, that's it.

In fact, as a SAHM with 4 kids (say 2 in school, 2 pre-reception), the school holidays are easier because you don't have to cart the babies around on school runs or to the elder kids friend's houses or activities and have them falling asleep in the car at inconvenient times when you want to keep them awake so they sleep at night. The holidays are so much easier because you can make your own schedule without trying to be here, there and everywhere. Just have a house of chaos, have their friends over or whatever and be done with it.