Misuse of SAHM terminology

[NotEnoughKnittingTime]

Am I being unreasonable for getting slightly irritated when mothers describe themselves as SAHM when they actually work outside the home? Often see this on tiktok!

Yeah there honestly isn't an anti SAHM bias it's just a bit of a cesspit so everyone gets criticised.

You’re a working mum… because you work.

Absolutely. Live & let live. I took 9 years out of work ages ago whilst kids were small & mum with dementia. By heavens did working mums sneer. My husband was working away from home at the time so there was no option. I vividly recall at school pickup complimenting another mum on her jacket (it really suited her). She quickly said “yes well it’s my work jacket - some of us have to work, you know”. I felt completely humiliated. Just don’t judge, unless it directly impacts you in some way. But generally it doesn’t!

They’re just a mum. Same as the rest of us who either work or don’t. I’m sorry but being a SAHM isn’t work. Being a mum in any capacity working or not isn’t work. It’s looking after the lifestyle choice we chose to make.

Judgy people will judge in any circumstance. I still remember running up the school drive one day after hitting bad traffic in way from work to school pick up, and the very polished mum in front of me at classroom door saying 'gosh you look all hot and bothered' and me explaining that I got stuck in trafficso was running late, and her saying 'gosh, does your husband not earn enough for you to not need to work, poor you and your poor children, you shouldn't have to work'.

I suspect that was a badly thought-through attempt at humour on her part. She was likely trying to be self-deprecating rather than suggesting you should have a job.

In the real world, nobody at the school gate would think badly of a person who had caring responsibilities that could not be combined with paid work. What sort of monster would you have to be to think that way?

And very few people would be openly rude to someone whom they thought was lazy/privileged.

“Being a SAHM isn’t work”
Today my children were at the childminder while I worked in my paid job. I assume you’d agree that what my childminder did from 8-4 today was “work”. But tomorrow when I stay at home and look after my children myself it’s not work? Make it make sense.

You get paid for work. You do not get paid for being with your own children. What else is there to understand?

I've never witnessed sneering from either working or stay-at-home Mothers.
It sounds like that specific woman had some issue with you, but you say 'working Mums sneer' indicating it happened a lot.

Not that I agree with the statement but surely you're not genuinely confused. A chef in a restaurant is a job, cooking your own dinner is not. Being a cleaner is a job, cleaning your own house is not. Being a teacher is a job, homeschooling your children is not. Being a nurse is a job, doing first aid for your family is not.

It's not a value judgement or a criticism or saying it's not hard to do. It's just that people often define "work" as "paid employment" - there are several things some people consider to be "work" that other people don't consider to be "work" (like being a SAHM, being self-employed, being a landlord, volunteering, education...).

It's just a difference of opinion over whether it is defined under that umbrella term - it's not so complex that you genuinely don't understand, nor is it an attack on you. No one said "work" is better than "not work".

If you told me you were a SAHM I'd presume it meant you didn't do paid employment. I don't think people who work permanent night shifts would call themselves SAHMs.

If you had to describe your life to others I'd say "I work in the evenings and some weekends, which means I can care for my children in the day"/

I think that the problem is that SAHM was a term coined in the days when having a job meant being out in a workplace away from home 9 to 5 and flexible working was rare.

As work has become more flexible and the terminology that links earning with being in or out of the home is outdated and no longer fit for purpose. It needs to be replaced with more specific descriptions like “I don’t do paid work” or “I don’t have an income” or “I don’t use childcare”, depending on the context in which the person needs to describe what they do.

i don't consider myself a SAHM.

I have both my Teens at home. the 18yo is disabled.

I'm a Carer. It's literally my job, that the government pay me to do for him (carers allowance)

To me a SAHM is a mother who doesn't work a full time job, because she looks after her own kids. I do count mums with some PT weekend/evening work in that.

I think I missed self employed off my post which is why I think it’s a bit fuzzier than some people consider it and I agree with what you say.

I have my own business, mostly done once the kids are down and at weekends, some weeks I’m working 4 or 5 nights, some weeks I barely do anything. I don’t use childcare and do some volunteering during the week, I’m around with my DC like a SAHM and do everything a SAHM does but earn money from my business out of hours. I don’t have to define myself often and don’t mind what people think, if I’m pitching for business I say I’m self employed, if I’m sorting play dates people know I’m a SAHM.

As other posters have said, the nature of work has changed a lot, wfh has changed everything for some people, the 9-5 in the office/factory/shop applies to fewer people so the old definitions aren’t as straightforward.

@AnneLovesGilberti agree.

I understand lots have disagreed with me, misunderstood me. It’s hard to type what I mean sometimes.

I do not know anyone who stays at home, and does nothing else, in our immediate area.

I know people who work full time, and of course are there for children when they are unwell, but they are working busy mums.

I know people who do not work, but care for a relative and or child.

I do not know this unknown entity of does nothing all day and children are at school.

I have said though, that’s rural life, farmers wife’s, blah blah.

for me, I gave up career, I do not have an employer, other than the children, and I do what I can when I can to bring in money.

in an interesting way I am bottom of the pile. I am the one who needs to say no, who picks up multiple children, who runs around after people, and who is relearning boundaries.

there is a perception that because I am at home, I am doing nothing.

and an inbuilt training from my mother that I must do everything for everyone.

also agree with the earlier comment that it doesn’t matter what you do, someone is going to pull you down.

there are bad stay at home mums, bad working mums, bad mums.

but the overwhelming majority are just doing the best they can with what they can.

It makes sense because your child minder is doing exactly that, ‘minding’ your child for you. Hence, you’re paying her for a service to look after the child/ren that you chose to have. Which you knew, when you had them became your responsibility. I work full time, I have one job. When I return home at the end of my shift, I don’t go to another job, I go home and do the tasks that come with choosing to be a mother and choosing to live in a house. When I take my child to school I don’t become a taxi driver, I’m simply being a mother and ensuring my child arrives at school. It doesn’t come with a wage, because it’s not a job.

When childless people clean their homes does that mean they’re working as a cleaner? Or just maintaining their homes?

When I changed the shower head in my bathroom last weekend, did I become a plumber?

I’m not employed as a vet/dog walker/animal psychologist but I do however look after the dog I chose to have. It’s not a job.

The point is whether it’s for your own children or someone else’s, getting paid or not, it’s still the same work. It’s work.

If you think it’s work then good for you! Personally, I don’t find looking after the children I had ‘work’.

But the whole purpose of the SAHM label is to distinguish between those who earn their own money and those who don’t. It’s just the updated version of “housewife”. It’s got nothing to do with the experience of “working” and how it feels.

It’s when people call themselves a ‘full time mum’ meaning a sahm mum that annoys.
Because yes working mums suddenly stop being a parent when they’re at work.

Anyone saying "I'm working today" meaning they are caring for their own children is going to be at best misunderstood and at worst make them sound like a fool or making a point.

We all know that caring for children is hard work, but it's not work in the sense you can list it under employment on your cv.

Taking care of your friends and neighbours kids is what people have been doing for centuries. Lots of people just want their kids in a home environment.

So if I live on a piece of land I own and cut down some trees and build myself a log cabin, and grow a garden and raise some pigs for food and cut logs for winter fuel, and all the rest, does that not count as work either?

A parent staying home is almost always in part an economic decision to do part of the work of life rather than contracting it out. In this case childcare, and perhaps teaching.

Working for ourselves is the most basic and fundamental kind of work we can do. Working for a wage is not more "real".

I think my username applies here.

"So if I live on a piece of land I own and cut down some trees and build myself a log cabin, and grow a garden and raise some pigs for food and cut logs for winter fuel, and all the rest, does that not count as work either?"

Some people would consider that "work", others would not consider that "work". Neither way is the insult you're taking it as.

I think when it came to applying for a job (paid employment), this would not be regarded as work.

Of course you worked to build your cabin etc, but then we all do this sort of work - go grocery shopping, clean our homes etc.