Misuse of SAHM terminology

[NotEnoughKnittingTime]

Am I being unreasonable for getting slightly irritated when mothers describe themselves as SAHM when they actually work outside the home? Often see this on tiktok!

MIL once said to us that she was extremely busy doing "two full time jobs". She clarified she's a SAHM and a house-wife. At the time she said it all her children were in their 20s/30s, none lived at home and she was divorced - living completely alone.

This thread is crackers.

what am I?

pre children I was a court solicitor working hundred hour weeks, legal aid.

I gave up, when I adopted two, then had two.

I have my OWN holiday cottage. Self employed.

I work in the school nursery three mornings a week, flexi hours. Whichever school in cluster needs me.

I work for women’s aid. Advisory, legal process.

I work in my old solicitors place, as and when, from home doing legal aid.

I work on farm, I’m night shift lady, cows and sheep.

BUT, I’m a SAHM. Kids come with me, night or day. Little ones anyway. Big ones used to.

if they are sick, I’m off.

that was always my understanding of SAHM. Kids care first, jobs fit around.

I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t work around kids, except a select few. Those would be ladies of Leisure. Unpopular perhaps, but locally a rare entity. very rural Scotland.

It’s called living - it’s not project management. If that was the case everyone who’s not in prison is pretty much a project manager……….its pretty insulting to those whose profession is project management

You would be hard pushed to get a job as a project manager without appropriate qualifications.

You're not a SAHM. And it's pretty insulting to imply that mums who aren't SAHMs don't take time off when their DCs are sick, make their jobs work around their children or put their DCs first. We do - obviously.

That’s not being a SAHM though, a SAHM is fully focused on the kids, all day every day, you have several jobs even if the kids come with you.

that was always my understanding of SAHM. Kids care first, jobs fit around.

That is just being a mother for almost every other mum, nothing to do with being a SAHM or not.

I think policing how another person chooses to describe their own life or career is ridiculous. In what possible way does someone else describing themselves as a SAHM impact you? They can call themselves a “stay at home goldfish owner” or a “work outside the home, but only on weekends, part time llama parent” and I would say that was up to them. So long as they aren’t calling you something you don’t identify with how on earth does it matter?

Imagine if we all got on with living life instead of this bizarre modern fixation on classifying everyone into little boxes.

I think it's a bit more complicated than that, in practice.

Many SAHM's take on some kinds of income producing activities in order to be able to remain as SAHM's. The most typical one ime is to do childcare and have another child in along with your own.

But it does often include other things that can be worked around the primary childcare work with the person's own children. And a lot of them are self-employed type things. Most don't make anything like enough money to support someone as a job, much less a career. Sometimes they are money for extra things, maybe kid's lessons, or a nicer vacation, but I've also know many families where it was a big stretch to live on one income, and it was this kind of op up that just made it possible.

Besides childcare, I've seen people do stuff like crafting or sewing on a piece level to sell, Mary Kay type things, very pt medical transcription or typing/editing for people, tutoring, or even baking fancy birthday cakes. I knew one woman who grew produce in her garden and sold it in the warm seasons. When my kids were small and I was home I did a few contracts doing a little research for a publisher in an area I had worked in before, and that kind of thing seems quite common - it also appeals because it keeps you connected to your job skills. I've also known mums who worked as lunch supervisors once their kids were at school, or one who did a short lunchtime shift for two hours at a cafe.

The main deliminator for me would be that it's completely organised around the childcare duties, not the other way round, and to a lesser extent that it wouldn't normally be an income you could live on.

People don’t usually say they are going to ‘work’ if they are parenting or running a home.
The definition of work is “activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.” So I stand corrected.

See above

I was thinking this too. When I returned to work after mat leaves, I agreed my hours based around my children's needs, and still do, to enable me to do 3 school drop offs and 3 pick ups per week, with reduced hours during school holidays. My job works around my children as my priority (whilst still earning enough to pay bills) This doesnt make me a SAHM, it makes me a well balanced working mum, doing what's best for my children is at the heart of all my decisions, including earning enough to pay for their extras whilst still being there for them when needed and setting (what i feel is) a positive example to my daughters that they can acheive anything.

@Canyoureadthough you do, but lots don’t. There is a huge divide between working mums and mums at home. You see it all the time here.

dads stay home when kids are sick, childminders, nanny, grandparents.

my sacrifice was I’m the one to drop everything for kids. To stay at home. so I see myself as the one at home. DH would never stop working to do that. We don’t have family help. It’s all on me.

You're both wrong and extremely offensive.

They might, but it's quite common that the main approach is to work the main childcare needs around the job requirements. So for a sick child day, it could be that the parent could wfh, or maybe take a vacation day, or possibly they will have to have a back-up childcare arrangement.

The emphasis is usually the other way around with the kinds of work SAHMs will do. Most won't take a job that makes it impossible to be home whenever needed, for example. Or if they become difficult to reconcile, they'll leave the job.

You might not agree, but wtf with "offensive".

Saying something is offensive isn't a way to be right.

I think you can point out that something is incorrect even if it doesn't impact you - no one is "policing" it. Have you seen anyone say it should be illegal or banned or they should be flogged? The question was whether it's incorrect and it's ok for OP to be "slightly irritated" by it.

I could describe my own life as that I'm a police officer because I saw on the local Facebook page that someone smashed a window on a house on my street and used my Ring doorbell to see who did it. I'm not a police officer, that's not correct - it's also entirely my life and doesn't impact anyone else. I'm still wrong and I'd imagine that saying that would irritate others.

I could describe myself as a hairdresser if I cut my own hair, or DH's or DCs'. It's my life, I can call myself a hairdresser - there's no law against it. It's not accurate and I'd imagine it would annoy people if I posted all over my social media that I'm a hairdresser having only cut the hair of people who live in my house, for free.

People are allowed to be "slightly irritated" by things without you acting like that amounts "policing" their self-identity and self-expression.

I’m sorry you feel that way I certainly don’t mean to be.

my perception of a SAHM is what it is, welcome to be changed. Every SAHM I know works round kids, or with kids.

the people I read about here are an entirely different world, I accept that. I don’t know anyone who works like mums do here. But that’s a city country difference.

I am certainly not out to get at working mums, I envy that in some respects. But nobody would employ me on those terms. So I had to forge my own. And I am the bottom of the pile here, the one who can leave everything to pick up friends child because she has an employer.

doesnt make me better, just more at home and easier to shift things. I can check the cattle later. She can’t sort the office, shop, accounts, court, whatever later.

Of course it's offensive to say working mums don't put their children first!

I never said that. I said kids care first, job fits around.

nothing about kids first. I’m talking about the care aspect, the day to day stuff. I’m not suggesting that in life the kids wouldn’t be first. But for a run of the mill bug, cold, sickness, etc etc. my “work” would not allow it. So I stayed at home. If DH stayed home, we lose our home and animals die.

if I stayed home I lose my job.

Why are people so touchy about SAHMs and what they may or may not call themselves?

Of course, when you are a SAHM across multiple children, it can be quite a long time. And obviously, new interests and opportunities can develop over that time.

Eg.

I have a friend who once hosted a particular type of birthday party for one of her kids (involving themed wigwam tents, etc) and now she does those parties as a side business. It's sporadic and the family don't massively need the money, but she just takes in bookings as and when suit her. Shes still a SAHM to all intents and purposes.

I know loads of SAHMs who develop Etsy businesses, and that type if thing. It's just a side line for most - eg. they sell their art, or crystals or some other product they've been able to source or create. They do it because they love it, as much as for the money. I have a friend who developed her own jewellery line, just as a creative outlet. But now there are shops in Notting Hill etc selling her products.

Often, as a SAHM, if your child does an activity, you might get roped into helping out. Eg, years ago, one if mine did ballet and I ended up teaching the ballet class one or two times a week after the other teacher (who was a friend) left. They did pay me, but I didn't do it for the money. I was still a SAHM. I had 4 kids!

Loads of SAHMs do quite a bit of yoga or Pilates or running once the kids are in school, then they think, 'might as well do a teacher or personal trainer certification while I'm here.' Then they might run a small group whenever suits them, or they offer personal sessions.

What I'm saying is, it's not always as clear cut as 'working' v 'not working'. Sometimes people make money through interests or hobbies that then might make some money or even develop into small businesses. Like my friend who went to Brazil and now sources certain crystals from there and sells them on. She makes quite a lot of money some months, but it's not time-consuming and she's really into her products anyway as a way of life.

Does it actually matter what women call themselves? We are all multi- faceted! I don't see the point of this thread.

What’s owning your own holiday home got to do with anything? 😂

Probably the PP means that she lets the holiday home out. That's another thing a lot if SAHMs may be involved in. For instance, we have some rental properties and there's the odd week where it could be time-consuming if thet need builders in or there is a leak or whatever, but I wouldn't call it a job, and I'm still a SAHM even though the properties produce income. I suppose if I bought more properties and focused on this full time, I could say I had a real proper job as international property magnate extraordinaire, but I don't.

So the definition of a SAHM is if you take time off when your kids are sick?

I work full time from home. I fit my work entirely around kids needs. If kids are sick they are home and I am with them. So I’m a SAHM despite having a full time job?

Every SAHM I know works round kids, or with kids

this is literally just being a parent.

Nah, her correct title would be Lady of Leisure.