13 year old watching newborn

[Newmum99653]

Am I being unreasonable?

I am not comfortable with our 13 year old DSD watching our newborn whilst we do jobs around the house. Personally my priority is the safety of the newborn and anything can happen quickly (choking, falling, suffocating) if not being watched properly. E.g. I came down and DSD was on phone whilst “watching” newborn whilst I was upstairs and DP was in the kitchen.

My DP on the other hand doesn’t see the problem in this at all.

My view is DSD can hold feed cuddle newborn as much as she wants but whilst we are supervising.
Am I being unreasonable?

Congratulations on your new baby 🎈 ..
You’re just a little anxious is all x ..
If you & your husband are doing jobs around the house , can’t you guys be in & out to the living room to keep a check …

I think by two weeks the dad is often back at work & the mum is getting on with whatever needs doing whilst leaving baby nearby.

Although the OP is over the top, I do remember staring at my newborn like he was the best telly programme imaginable for the first few days.

Would you feel more comfortable if you had a chat with DSD about calling you or DH if the baby wakes, or chokes, or coughs? You feel your sleep is so light that you would wake if baby stirs but you don't think DSD would notice?

My 13 year old (boy) has been watching my newborn since he was born. This morning I got a whole lot of housework done, had a shower etc while 13 year old hung out with baby.

So that was great for me, but also great for my 13 year old. He feels very proud and empowered being trusted to hold the baby. We just make it clear "you can always pop him the cot if you need to put him down, he will be safe even if he's crying".

it's really very good for the older child to learn about babies, bond with them etc. I mean I wouldn't be going out for 6 hours and leaving him in charge or anything, but just around the house it's a great thing for everyone. I love that he is so keen to be hands on with his baby brother.

He’s leaving the baby with the 13 year old while he is in the kitchen - the next room. It’s not parentifying because if OP is upstairs and the father is in the kitchen the baby has two parents nearby and is perfectly fine with or without the 13 year old, phone or not. He’s not leaving the 13 year old in sole charge all day.

I’d be very careful with the “your baby you get the casting vote” thing - it’s his baby too. Pushing him out at this stage, especially given he’s been entirely reasonable, will just lead to complaints in a few months or years about being the default parent…

Another one who thinks you sound anxious.
Most people will leave their baby in a Moses basket and..
Take a nap on the sofa
Read a book
Hoover
Wash there hair ect ect.
You’ll burn out otherwise, who told you that you have to stay awake and have eyes on them the entire time?

When I first glanced at title of thread I assumed you meant while you were out, and of course 13 is too young, although I've known 13 and even 12 yr olds left to look after children. But while you're in the house?? Come on, you're being over protective. Your hormones are probably still all over the place.

I do remember staring at my newborn like he was the best telly programme imaginable for the first few days.

Longer than a few days!

A friend once said "what do you do all day?"

"Erm, cuddle & admire my baby"😂

I am old, but posts like this, combined with the "my teenager is so anxious and cannot leave my side" make me so sad. What are we doing to everyones mental health with all this insane worry.

YANBU. Your Baby, your vote is the casting vote.

Says who, you?

There you go OP, it's official.

A random on the internet says you're the most important parent and bugger what the other one wants 🙄

I think I’d be embracing the 13yo to hold the baby. Most babies at that age settle and sleep better on a human than they do in a Moses basket or whatever so DSD can hold the baby and watch TV or be on her phone whilst you shower or empty the dishwasher or whatever. As a 13yo, I was regularly going around to my aunts during the school summer holidays to hold the similar aged baby as he wouldn’t be put down. Towards the end of the holidays (so when he was about 5 weeks) I would be taking him on a 20 min walk around the village to try and get him to settle for a nap. Sometimes, we’d do a second lap of the village. Most of my parenting experience before my own DC were born came from that summer and then subsequent holidays helping out as they got older.
Presumably the blankets you have are the cellular ones? If so, my recollection is that the risk is low. Has the baby been sick much? I had two DC was reflux so they were spitty/sicky babies but would always cry beforehand.

No one has eyes permanently fixed to a baby 24/7. It's not healthy and will create anxiety. YABU

At that age he should be lying flat in pram/cot/Moses basket, not strapped into any sort of seat.

OP..... With the best will in the world, people are giving you sound feedback, but your replies are somewhat sharp.

Take a moment, breathe. Gently, your baby can be alone for short periods. After a poo, there is a reason why the bathroom smells.... There is an aerosol effect of tiny poo particles especially after flushing. In my book, your care in this regard creates an unintended risk.

I write this as one who carried her baby in a sling for the first three months, but even I went to the loo alone!

Even in those first three months, I put him down to sleep alone in the day. I just carried the monitor around!

You sound stressed and anxious, even if you don't think you are. As I said before, breathe!

I think its fine for a 13 year old to watch the baby, in my home country it would be normal for them to watch the newborn alone and I've done it myself at a younger age (I wanted to though). In my culture we actually don't leave young babies alone, because of spiritual rather than physical safety reasons. I left mine to use the toilet and do a few chores though, as it was just us alone during the day from she was a week old, and no one else to help around the house.

How are the younger generations meant to learn how to look after children if they're never given the chance? Its like any other life skill IMO. My own great-grandmother was married and a mother 2 years older than your stepdaughter, not that it's a good thing.

I dont think she should be forced to watch him if she doesnt want to though, your partner shouldn't be making her if she doesn't want to. Will a baby monitor help? That way you can keep an eye on him when you're out of the room and need reassurance, even if there are other people there. It might not be a good idea to lift the moses basket so soon after a c-section or even after a vaginal birth to be honest, it's not good for the pelvic floor.

I assume this is your first baby and your DH already has at least one other child. That's why you're so worried, most mum's are overprotective of their first born.
However it is fine to let your 13' year old look after the baby while you and DH are in the house. It would be a bit different if they were home alone together and even if you don't take your eyes off your baby doesn't mean other people can't. Did you really think your 13 year old DSD was just going to sit staring at the baby?
I used to let my 13 and 11 year old look after my third as long as I was in the house. It was fine and they have an incredible bond now.

If you had another young child, say a toddler, you’d have no choice but to take your eyes off the baby.

I used to babysit a small baby when I was 13 plus some older kids as well. Looking back on it , it was a bit ridiculous and I wouldn’t allow a 13 year old to do it now.
however it’s ridiculous giving out about a 13 year old on her phone while “minding” the baby. I wouldn’t even really call it minding when you are in the house. It’s totally OTT expecting her to sit and stare at the baby. I am minding my own baby right now while going on my phone.

@Newmum99653 You need to calm down. 13 years old is more than old enough to keep an eye to the baby with other people in the house. 13 year old just needs to sit with the baby to make sure nothing stupid happens. All fine.

That's not healthy @Newmum99653

Mums who don't have their eyes on their babies 24/7 don't not want their children to be safe and well. And the fact that you've said this is insulting.

My brother who was 13 years older than me when I was born, did exactly this. Now as adults he casts up how awful it was to look after me, and we have never had a close relationship as he resents the time he spent with me when he was young.

Hang on, you've said "many" "responsible adults" are around and watching baby whenever you have a shower, get ready make a drink etc. So does that mean you literally never leave the room unless there is another adult there to "watch" the baby? How is that sustainable?
At 2 weeks old most women are on there own with the baby as their DP/DH (if they have one) has gone back to work. It is entirely normal to leave your baby in their moses basket, crib, bouncy chair etc and get on with jobs, have a shower, make a cup of tea etc. If you don't feel able to do this, and you genuinely believe that someone looking at their phone whilst in charge of your baby is dangerous, then I'm sorry but you absolutely do need to speak to a Health professional about your anxiety.

Goodness, I let my 7 yr old stay in the room while my newborn napped and I nipped to the toilet for example. Try and relax, it’s so hard being a new mum, hormones make us a little irrational. Baby will be ok with your DSD.

No.

It's such early days and the OP is anxious.. She's being made more anxious by the DH insisting that she's wrong and has to do it his way.
What is wrong with him being a little more tolerant whilst she gets used to the whole thing, which she will. Every mother is nervous with the first newborn and she will very soon look back and laugh at it..

But having someone telling her despite her post p fears that she is wrong and not listening to her just adds to her anxiety.

I remember saying something similar to DH about inexperienced people picking up newborn and not supporting its head/neck properly. That was a very real fear to me at the time. Being told to get over it, only, meant I felt I had to be on constant high alert because I felt no one else was. Of course this all calmed down after a while. If he'd said... Of course I'll keep an eye out for that, it would have settled down sooner.

Her DH would resolve this more quickly by listening and reassuring given how new all this is to the OP and managing it better for both OP and DSD.