To be annoyed by my friend’s lack of respect for my time

[sandwichlover93]

My friend is always late for things. Not by 5 minutes. It’s common that she’s 30 minutes late for a coffee, for example. Then when I say “I’ve got to go”, she’ll be all “so soon?!”….

a few examples…..

The other day we met for a coffee and a stroll and I said I had to be home by 4pm (coffee shop a 10 min walk from my house). We initially said to meet at 1.30. She then at about 12 said can we do 1.45. Fine. She eventually turned up at 2.10. We had a coffee and then we went for a walk. At 3.45 I said I have to go soon as I had a grocery shop being delivered. And she said that they could just leave it by my front door and no need to rush off etc…. I live in a central area of a city and live on a very busy road. Plus it was hot and my shopping would spoil. I felt so irritated!

anyway fast forward to last weekend and it’s her birthday celebration in a location about 30 miles from our city. She asks if I’ll drive as she doesn’t and I said yes, I’ll pick you up at 10.45 so we don’t have to rush plus parking is notoriously hard in this location. Lunch planned for 12.30. She then a few days ago asked if I could check in on her pet over the weekend as she was planning on staying overnight - quite last minute to ask someone. I didn’t really want to but it’s her birthday so thought I’d do the favour. I told her I’d leave after lunch at 4pm to go check on the pet as I had evening plans after her birthday lunch. Anyway the morning I was meant to pick her up, she said she was running late and wouldn’t be ready until 11. I get there at the 11… she’s not ready. We left at 11.45. Ended up being AN HOUR late for lunch because we couldn’t find parking and had left an hour late. She didn’t reserve a table in the restaurant so they were full and when we eventually sat down and ordered lunch, I basically had to eat and go. And she started on the whole “so soon?!” thing in front of everyone. I’d even reminded her in the car that I needed to leave at 4 to have time to check in on and feed pet.

It makes me feel so angry and as if I’m really uptight whereas I just have things to do so can’t live according to her schedule. The whole birthday thing made me realise she has no respect for my time, nor does she listen to what I say. She used to live abroad and says that there no one makes plans or sticks to schedules, which I think is untrue (I’ve lived in various countries abroad). My DH says to not bother getting into it with her and simply say next time “I have an hour” and if she’s late, to just buy a coffee and then leave when the hour is up. I really want to say something to her but not sure if I should.

I hate being treated like this. Help! Should I say something or indirectly put up a boundary?

I agree with your husband - stick to the original plans, leave at the time you said you were going to leave - if that's after 10 minutes or an hour, do it. If she says 'so soon?' you reply 'yes, it's a shame you were late'. Start inconveniencing her the way you are being inconvenienced. If she keeps texting to push back times, I be tempted to reply 'best we leave if for another day'.

I am historically (I have improved) quite a late person. A friend used to tell me a time that was 30 mins before the actual time she wanted to meet/leave etc. Worked quite well.

Also I learned very quick never to cancel last minute as was not worth her wrath. So I suppose I am saying just be extremely blunt to her if you are annoyed.

Also just keep the meetups relatively simple without too much stuff either side (as any number of things can happen to make it stressful).

You have the patience of a saint to wait around for her as much as you have (and I say this as someone who is sometimes late due to anxiety. ) There's no way you should let her "So soon?" pass without comment, especially in public. 'Oh, do you want me to stay for another hour? That's great; I'd love to. Only I thought you wanted me to look after your pet? I can't do both. "

I had a friend like that - we constantly told her 30 mins earlier … I can’t stand friends being late like that … it screams my time is more important than yours.

One time she was “one time” actually early and asked us where we were and we told her matter of facts we give you a different time as you are never on time. She was embarrassed and has never been late ( as late) since

I used to have a friend like this. I did address it with humour initially but I soon tired of this. I finally lost my patience when she arranged the time and the place. I told her I would wait 15 minutes for her and no more. I turned up. She didn't. After 15 minutes I left and went to the gym. She messaged 40 minutes after our agreed date asking where I was. She was genuinely shocked that I had left! Didn't bother seeing her after that. I find it so rude when people are later with no good reason. One of my all time hates.

Does this person actually add anything to your life? She sounds incredibly selfish. I definitely wouldn’t put up with it.

She sounds tiresome. Ditch her.

Why are you friends with her? She doesn't respect you and that your own time is important to you? You say it makes you angry because it messes your schedule up and you hate being treated like it.
If this was a p doing this peeps would be falling over themselves to tell you that he /she was rude and should be pulled up about it, worse case ltb.
I don't understand why some women let their 'friends' treat them in ways they don't like then complain about it.
It's like someone saying,'he cancels our dates to go out with his mates, is tight with money, doesn't look after the kids but I won't leave because I love him'.
Life is too short for this stuff. Shape up or ship it out is my mantra, and it generally works for me.

She is obviously more important than you, didn't you know.

My eldest has AdHD and suffers from time blindness. I always give her a meet up time earlier, has helped a great deal.

She regularly tries to cram too much into her days etc so ends up running late/cancelling.

Accommodating someone’s needs is one thing, just plain disrespect is another.

So I used to be this friend. It was never a deliberate disrespect for the time of others but a failure on my part to plan properly.

However I HATED people being late for me so have done a lot of work to change that so now typically am the early / on time friend.

One strategy you can try is telling her an earlier time than planned? I do this with family and friends who are always late. If a booking is 12:30 I tell them 12. Also be clear each time that their lateness is why you have to leave so soon. A friend of mine is always very late so I book and tell her a different time. One time she was actually early and was annoyed at the booking being later than I told her. I told her it’s because she is always late and disrespectful of time. She did not respond but did look a little embarrassed.

I wouldn't have still been sitting there at 2.10. Make a rule for yourself that you'll give her xx minutes and then leave. If she gets in touch to ask where you are you can just say, oh I was there at 1.45 but I left because you didn't turn up.

She can then either decide to start being on time, or she will get sick of turning up after you've left. It will force the issue, but you won't be the one wasting your time.

Why are you making so little of yourself tolerating this is the real question?

I have ADHD time blindness. Time literally runs away from me. However, I implement strategies to combat this. I start getting ready hours before everyone else and give myself double the time to get somewhere.

I have an 'always late' friend, we've been friends for 25 years. She has many many wonderful qualities and has been such a support to me over the years during difficult times. I appreciate her for these and accept that this is part of who she is! She often overstretches herself, she's always doing things for other people. She's disorganised and has a busy life. So I cut her some slack because we're none of us perfect.

If we're meeting, I generally build in a bit of extra time - for example if we need to be somewhere at 12, I'll say come to me for 10.30 or I'll pick you up then. If I had to be home at 4 for a delivery, I would have said come home with me for a cuppa. You can either fume and get cross about it or try and build in some flexibility - I suppose it depends how much the friendship matters to you.

As well as always running late she sounds like a bit of a user too - you drive on her outing because she doesn't, you pop in and see to her pet because she's away for the night, you should let your shopping get nicked or ruined because she's not done with being out.

As a friend she's not much of a catch is she!

Only you know how you really feel but honestly, I'd be letting this one go, she's not being fair with you, it's all about her.

People who say they tell the latecomer an earlier time so as to manage them - what is the friendship version of The Ick?

Grown adults who have to be treated like babies just to perform basic human functions like looking at a clock or having respect for a friend are not people who I would enjoy spending time with.

Not to mention the irritating dissonance of it all - "ok, we'll meet at 3pm, but lets all secretly remember to tell Jenny it's 2.30". Nah.

You sound like her personal taxi service where driving is concerned

If she's given you a time and then suddenly changed it I'd assume the lift wasn't for a need and more a want and learn to say no.

As for meeting for coffee or anything else If she asks to change the time stick to your guns if you have other things happening, or come right out and say "never mind maybe another time we'll cancel for now"

If you're at the location and she's a no show give her 5/10 minutes and either just leave or message to say you've had to go as you'll be running late for your next commitment.

This.
I said YABU for letting her treat you like this.

I had a friend like this but she is a friend no longer for this very reason, so YANBU.

I've recently pushed back on a friend who always changes plans last minute or expects me to plan my day around her. I've gone with the 'that doesn't work for me, let's leave it until we both have time to meet properly. Let me have some dates and I'll get back to you '. I'm still waiting!

I had a friend like this. She once texted me to ask if we were still meeting to have lunch at 1. She texted to ask this at 13:10.

I have a friend like this. It used to relaly annoy me as I interpret it as 'my time is more valuable than yours.' Then I started making a joke of how many jobs I could get done between the time she said she'd turn up and the time she arrived, so that at least I was being productive with my time. For cinema/ theatre etc I just agree to meet her there, even though I walk past her house, as I hate being late for things like that. For meet ups at the pub or a cafe I just turn up 15 mins late, like she does.

If you want to keep the friendship something has to change. She is a chaos muppet. So start by limiting the impact of her chaos. Don’t be part if her plans and don’t do her any favours. She us sn incompetent hostess and that spills over to everyone she interacts with. Imagine not booking a table for her own birthday? Don’t make plans with her as she is just not competent.

Be an hour late. Once. See what happens. 🤯