To be annoyed by my friend’s lack of respect for my time

[sandwichlover93]

My friend is always late for things. Not by 5 minutes. It’s common that she’s 30 minutes late for a coffee, for example. Then when I say “I’ve got to go”, she’ll be all “so soon?!”….

a few examples…..

The other day we met for a coffee and a stroll and I said I had to be home by 4pm (coffee shop a 10 min walk from my house). We initially said to meet at 1.30. She then at about 12 said can we do 1.45. Fine. She eventually turned up at 2.10. We had a coffee and then we went for a walk. At 3.45 I said I have to go soon as I had a grocery shop being delivered. And she said that they could just leave it by my front door and no need to rush off etc…. I live in a central area of a city and live on a very busy road. Plus it was hot and my shopping would spoil. I felt so irritated!

anyway fast forward to last weekend and it’s her birthday celebration in a location about 30 miles from our city. She asks if I’ll drive as she doesn’t and I said yes, I’ll pick you up at 10.45 so we don’t have to rush plus parking is notoriously hard in this location. Lunch planned for 12.30. She then a few days ago asked if I could check in on her pet over the weekend as she was planning on staying overnight - quite last minute to ask someone. I didn’t really want to but it’s her birthday so thought I’d do the favour. I told her I’d leave after lunch at 4pm to go check on the pet as I had evening plans after her birthday lunch. Anyway the morning I was meant to pick her up, she said she was running late and wouldn’t be ready until 11. I get there at the 11… she’s not ready. We left at 11.45. Ended up being AN HOUR late for lunch because we couldn’t find parking and had left an hour late. She didn’t reserve a table in the restaurant so they were full and when we eventually sat down and ordered lunch, I basically had to eat and go. And she started on the whole “so soon?!” thing in front of everyone. I’d even reminded her in the car that I needed to leave at 4 to have time to check in on and feed pet.

It makes me feel so angry and as if I’m really uptight whereas I just have things to do so can’t live according to her schedule. The whole birthday thing made me realise she has no respect for my time, nor does she listen to what I say. She used to live abroad and says that there no one makes plans or sticks to schedules, which I think is untrue (I’ve lived in various countries abroad). My DH says to not bother getting into it with her and simply say next time “I have an hour” and if she’s late, to just buy a coffee and then leave when the hour is up. I really want to say something to her but not sure if I should.

I hate being treated like this. Help! Should I say something or indirectly put up a boundary?

Thanks for posting. I feel similar re: wondering whether it’s worth my time. I too feel like I’m begging for crumbs.

Yes that was also really annoying. She ended up giving me £15 for petrol, parking and pet feeding/checking in on…..£15!!!! Barely covered the petrol. If she’d had to get the train and book a pet sitter she would’ve had to spend £100. If I was her, I’d have offered £50 or similar. Just seems really tight.

ExDP used to be like that. As PPs have suggested, I solved the problem by telling him a time that was 30 minutes earlier.

Also as PPs have suggested, it is a symptom of ADHD. There are many undiagnosed adults about. I have just been diagnosed and everyone (me included) is very surprised. Incidentally, I don't have this time blindness issue.

Is your friend apologetic?

Only ADHD causes people to act like that?
It's seriously selfish, self important behaviour and straight away the answer is 'oh it must be adhd because of that'?... how judgemental of adhd!

When she says so soon you need to reply You were x minutes late so yes, there's not much time left now.

And I agree with pp who said give her 10 minutes and leave

Errr…… you are making 2+2 to equal about 7. I did not say that only people with ADHD do that. It is however a very reasonable comment and at least one other PP has made a similar comment. According to my psychiatrist, around 4% of the population of 1 in
25 are thought to have it and huge numbers are undiagnosed and therefore oblivious to their condition.

exDP is a narcissist. Narcissists do to too as one of their mechanisms of contol.

This.

I can't be bothered with this types of games.

In the end, people being routinely late (no matter how much they'll claim it's out of no disrespect) are being disrespectful to your time, and having to constantly adjust and manage this through playing stupid games to accommodate their unwillingness to put forth the effort to arrive somewhere at the agreed upon time doesn't change the disrespect.

When I was younger, I had a friend we used to do this game with and once she found out about it, she just found it funny. She wasn't apologetic that we'd needed to put in a system to manage her lateness. She found it hilarious and I tend to find a lot of people who are routinely late often do find their lateness hilarious and "just one of their quirks" they're happy to force others to endure.

I couldn't be bothered with these types of people. Either respect my time the way that I respect yours and turn up at the agreed time. Obviously-things happen and every now and then-is understandable-but all the time? Nah. If I can get somewhere on time, so can you.

My SIL is effing useless, she once told us she “just needed a bath” when we arrived to pick her up, and she’d be with us shortly, we had already told her a time 20mins early, and phoned to say we were setting off! I insisted that we left without her as we were meeting others, so we did, but soft touch DH went back for her! She is perpetually late. She was late to Christmas lunch once and then upset we had eaten. Amazingly, she can be on time if she wants to be. For many other reasons, and also this, if she wasn’t my SIL I would have absolutely nothing to do with her.

my in-laws are routinely an hour late so we tell them an hour earlier than we want them.

I would stick to times and when she’s all so soon?? Just say yes it’s a shame you were 30 minutes late. Everytime hand the guilt trip back to her.
in terms of time wasted, take something to do, catch up on life admin or Mumsnet! It’s time you would have been busy with her anyway so it’s not wasted time really you have just utilised it else where. Order a drink, don’t wait for her and leave at the time you planned regardless as otherwise she has no incentive to improve her behaviour.

Obviously you don’t have to accept this but it’s whether you want to walk away from the friendship or learn to manage this flaw.

That is a good idea

I ended a long term close friendship over similar behaviour and told the person why. Her outrage cemented my perception that she genuinely believed her time was more important than mine. I’m never late, and if circumstances (traffic or whatever) mean I might be late, I always call the person I’m meeting to explain what’s happened. There is no reason not to extend that basic courtesy to someone else, unless you don’t actually care that much about them.

I had a friend like that. 30 minutes late every single time. The last time I [didn't] see her, she was 30 minutes late when I left. She called me later and asked me why I hadn't waited as she arrived 10 minutes after I left.

This type of behaviour really pisses me off. It’s so bloody rude and dismissive of other people’s time. I just can’t put up with people behaving like this and tend to not bother to see them.

Yep. My latest one was plans cancelled today with a “oh hahaha I went out on the piss last night and I have a terrible hangover lol lol lol I am useless”
I get sick of hearing it tbh, this happens a lot with this friend. Why make plans the day after then?

The lateness is not the only problem, is it? She's using you too. I had a friend like this but I got wise to it. I kept saying no to the favours she requested and funnily enough, she doesn't contact me any more.
Nothing will change unless you say something. Is that what you really want?

Literally just leave after waiting for her.

If she wants to see you she will ne on time.
I'd give it 20 minutes the first time, then ten going forward.

When she realises you're not waiting around she'll either change her behaviour or miss out

It's not just the lateness. You seem to do an awful lot to help your friend and she just takes it for granted. People who are permanently late seem to value their own time but never other people's.

What does she bring to your relationship?

I had a friend like this. Her young daughter was due to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. She was an hour late, and all shocked Pikachu face we didn’t hold the wedding for her. We’re no longer friends.

re ADHD/time blindness - I do suspect she may have ADHD actually (as does she) but she makes no attempt to do anything about it and she KNOWS she’s always late. She manages to be on time for hobbies/fitness classes she attends. Plus she’s a fully grown woman, not a teenager.

I work in an environment where I come into contact with people with ADHD/related conditions. Funnily enough, they always manage to get to work or appointments on time. I'm not saying it doesn't present a challenge - but they obviously have coping strategies they use to do so.

Your friend simply thinks your time doesn't matter as much as hers. I couldn't be doing with that.

!!!

What was her excuse?

Years later she said she’d taken the kids to see their dad on the way to the wedding (totally opposite direction) and he kept stalling to make her late. Hmm.

That would be my DH if I weren't around. ADHD time blind, it drives me mad. He's admittedly better with his own stuff but I think only in comparison with how he is leaving with DS, doing unnecessary things instead of focusing, starting too late, not prepping the night before, not allowing extra time for DS, the list is long...he had years to adjust and he's still so bad. Also unable to prep the eve before seemingly. Many arguments over this. He delays me sometimes too and I've just resorted to leaving without him once and taking two cars, he was shocked. It's hard going.

Have you told her? I had a close friend who often runs late but I’ve clearly told her it annoys me. I wasn’t confrontational or rude but said it clearly and asked her not to do it in future. Stuff happens and I’m ok if she runs late for a good reason but now she always lets me know and is generally always on time.

iI had another friend who often was very late and I did tell her but she was still useless so I only make flexible plans with her where I’ll meet her at her house or I’ll get her to call when she’s arriving at a meet up point. I basically don’t put myself out to be on time with her.

I don’t have much time for people who are time blind for whatever reason. People are late because they are rude and don’t care about your time. If you are selectively late then why select friend meet-ups as being unimportant.

I don't know about that generalisation, Iwatch and adult with ADHD daily always in a mad rush before work/school and definitely not always on time for work which thankfully is flexible. It's unhelpful what you said.

However, I agree there's no excuse for not implementing improvement strategies.

You're well rid of a person who thinks you should have delayed your wedding ceremony to pander to her Cadbury's Flake behaviour.