To be annoyed by my friend’s lack of respect for my time

[sandwichlover93]

My friend is always late for things. Not by 5 minutes. It’s common that she’s 30 minutes late for a coffee, for example. Then when I say “I’ve got to go”, she’ll be all “so soon?!”….

a few examples…..

The other day we met for a coffee and a stroll and I said I had to be home by 4pm (coffee shop a 10 min walk from my house). We initially said to meet at 1.30. She then at about 12 said can we do 1.45. Fine. She eventually turned up at 2.10. We had a coffee and then we went for a walk. At 3.45 I said I have to go soon as I had a grocery shop being delivered. And she said that they could just leave it by my front door and no need to rush off etc…. I live in a central area of a city and live on a very busy road. Plus it was hot and my shopping would spoil. I felt so irritated!

anyway fast forward to last weekend and it’s her birthday celebration in a location about 30 miles from our city. She asks if I’ll drive as she doesn’t and I said yes, I’ll pick you up at 10.45 so we don’t have to rush plus parking is notoriously hard in this location. Lunch planned for 12.30. She then a few days ago asked if I could check in on her pet over the weekend as she was planning on staying overnight - quite last minute to ask someone. I didn’t really want to but it’s her birthday so thought I’d do the favour. I told her I’d leave after lunch at 4pm to go check on the pet as I had evening plans after her birthday lunch. Anyway the morning I was meant to pick her up, she said she was running late and wouldn’t be ready until 11. I get there at the 11… she’s not ready. We left at 11.45. Ended up being AN HOUR late for lunch because we couldn’t find parking and had left an hour late. She didn’t reserve a table in the restaurant so they were full and when we eventually sat down and ordered lunch, I basically had to eat and go. And she started on the whole “so soon?!” thing in front of everyone. I’d even reminded her in the car that I needed to leave at 4 to have time to check in on and feed pet.

It makes me feel so angry and as if I’m really uptight whereas I just have things to do so can’t live according to her schedule. The whole birthday thing made me realise she has no respect for my time, nor does she listen to what I say. She used to live abroad and says that there no one makes plans or sticks to schedules, which I think is untrue (I’ve lived in various countries abroad). My DH says to not bother getting into it with her and simply say next time “I have an hour” and if she’s late, to just buy a coffee and then leave when the hour is up. I really want to say something to her but not sure if I should.

I hate being treated like this. Help! Should I say something or indirectly put up a boundary?

Just crack on and follow your original plan - this turns it around from you being inconvenienced by their lateness, to them being inconvenienced by their lateness.

I have a couple of friends like this and I found I was a lot less annoyed if I just started following the original plan and if they were late, they would have to catch up.

So for example if the plan was meet for a coffee and walk around the shops, I’d arrive, order a coffee (I’d take a book so I wasn’t bored) and then if they still hadn’t arrived, I’d leave to walk around the shops. They might arrive mid coffee or have to catch me up somewhere else.

Once with a group of friends our ‘late’ friend hadn’t arrived for dinner 30 mins after our reservation. So we ordered and she just ended up not having time to have a full meal as she arrived half way through us eating.

In your case with the lift I would have said ‘oh that’s a shame you aren’t ready - I’ll see you there’.

You have a choice to be friends with someone like that, or have the self-respect to end such a friendship and not accept this. However painful loss of a friendship is.

Omgod this would infuriate me.

I have a friend who does this (but she would maybe be 30 mins late and nowhere near as late as your friend).

I started turning up at the cafe on time, ordering a drink straight away and leaving within the hour. She would always ask why I was going so soon etc and I would just say that I’d been there since 9 (or whatever time we planned to meet) and that I only had an hour. She would always apologise after I said that. It took a while but now she turns up on time.

I would definitely stop pandering to her. She’s absolutely taking the piss.

I agree! There’s “unavoidable delays” late and “causing your own problems” late. I’ve just remembered I told her an hour earlier time as well …

I wouldn't bother saying anything. She obviously hasn't listened so far.

Just strictly stick to your timings and she'll soon realise how serious you are.

I have a friend like this. I really like her so I’ve just had to suck it up if I want to see her, but I’ve made sure I only arrange stuff with her if I have nothing else on that day. I won’t make plans with her if I have plans later on because I always feel disappointed when I have to leave on time and get less time to spend with her.
To her credit, she has gotten better in the last year or 2. She’s also aware that I’m quite uptight when it comes to timings and lateness so while I’ve made the decision to only see her when I have nothing else on, she has improved her timekeeping too.

My brother and sister in law are like this and it absolutely does my head in. They are lovely thankfully, as otherwise we would have fallen out with them big time by now! My DW and I have, however, made so many arrangements they've been late for that I've lost count/ had them cancel at the last minute. They recently "forgot" they had agreed we could stay with them the night before a wedding near where they live a few days before and double booked themselves and we had to find an expensive hotel last minute.

We recently had some day tickets for a music festival both of us had wanted to go to for ages. I messaged them saying we will be getting this specific train as there were bands we wanted to see, which they agreed with. And they were still late! We missed the originally planned train due to them arriving late and faffing around, and got the next one 20 minutes later, I literally had to walk out of the door and say "I'm leaving now as there's bands I don't want to miss" 😂.

Have you spoken to her about it. Ive had friend like this. She could be on time for work.

I had a friend like this. I called to her as agreed so we’d go out for lunch. She was in last nights clothes, messy make up and still out of it from the night before. That was last straw for me.

She was always a huge narc, but I just had enough of it

I tried the “tell them an earlier time” thing with notoriously late family members and ended up being equally annoyed when they would turn up late as I knew the time I had said and they were inevitably late.

I would say to her “look I don’t want to cause an arguement but you have been late every time we have had something arranged. For our friendship I need you to be respectful of my time and be there at the time we have mutually agreed”

be direct but not unkind

This sounds like my cousin. She was even late for a relative's funeral because she stays in bed too late then she can't fit everything in. I've stopped meeting her and told her why. It's either tell her you find her lateness and thoughtlessness infuriating or follow your DH's approach.

Your friend is being incredibly rude to you, so stop worrying about offending her in your response. If you want to preserve the friendship, start holding her to account for her behaviour. Leave if she’s not arrived on time. Don’t wait for her if she’s not ready when you’re picking her up, just go without her. And when she asks “so soon” tell her explicitly what the problem is. Either she’ll sort herself out, or the friendship will be over.

"She manages to be on time for hobbies/fitness classes she attends."

And there it is. She can be on time, it's a choice she makes.

Be less accommodating. If she's late, tell her so and that you've had your coffee and are off now. If she rings to change times, say no, that doesn't suit the rest of your day it's be best to rearrange for another day. Don't pick her up even if she asks, tell her no you'll meet her there (picking her up just encourages her to be even later).

And if she still can't get her act together, just say no to the friendship. Because let's face it, she's not much of a friend dicking you about like this.

Ive an old friend like this, I've 3 kids 2 cats, dog, partner, full time job, and a friend was always late or letting me down. I basically dont plan anything with them at all, my time is to precious to be left waiting on someone that has no family and lives aloe and barely works. And I certainly will not set aside a block of time to do something just with them and I've told them why. It is what it is.

She's not from South Europe is she by any chance, where the concept of arrival time is very different to UK!

I had one of these 'friends'. Life is significantly better since I dumped her approx 3 years ago and found some self respect

It is disrespectful to keep a friend waiting.
I would end the friendship.

This

I had a friend like this.

It doesn’t really matter if someone has ADHD if you’ve made it very clear how much it disrespects your time and messes you about. Someone who can’t help it but who cares would be deeply remorseful, would try and find solutions, and ultimately, would arrange things where they either knew they were there already so wouldn’t inconvenience you, or would otherwise create situations for that to be the case.

My OH’s entire family disrespects his time and his boundaries. He had straightforward conversations with them about why it mattered, and what he would be doing going forward to make sure his time wasn’t messed with. It had become so bad that he was being told, for example, a family meal would be at 8,’so he would arrive at 7 to have some time before/help, and planned to be there until 10 to have time after to talk and help clear up. However, he would show and they would not have dinner ready until past 10, forcing him to stay on longer than he would have liked. On one occasion he simply left without eating and they were all astounded he would do so. He now is super low contact with them all.

In short, your friend doesn’t respect you or your time. She thinks she matters more. So now it’s up to you to enforce your boundaries.

Agree @ScorchingEgg but mn will still lay blame on your oh.... "why isn't he being flexible ...?! Isn't it more important that they spend time together no matter when?!'

Very annoying.
You could try giving her an earlier time, that is equally annoying.
If she's late again, stop meeting her.

I had a friend like this. When dd was younger I had plans to take her to a big indoor shopping centre. Friend was going to meet us there with her dd but asked if we could go to the shops near her home town instead.

We were nearly there on the bus when she text me to say it was raining and she wasn't ready so would I mind doing it another time.

I told her I bloody well did mind as my plans had involved the indoor mall in the opposite direction and I was only going to be traipsing round her town in the wet because she has asked me to come to her.

She was flakey in other ways too and we are now no longer friends

They can sod off. He was more than flexible, bending over backwards to meet all of their many requirements. He simply asked for them to stick to the times THEY set.

I used to have friends like her. They are no longer my friends. I suggest you get rid of her too.