To be annoyed by my friend’s lack of respect for my time

[sandwichlover93]

My friend is always late for things. Not by 5 minutes. It’s common that she’s 30 minutes late for a coffee, for example. Then when I say “I’ve got to go”, she’ll be all “so soon?!”….

a few examples…..

The other day we met for a coffee and a stroll and I said I had to be home by 4pm (coffee shop a 10 min walk from my house). We initially said to meet at 1.30. She then at about 12 said can we do 1.45. Fine. She eventually turned up at 2.10. We had a coffee and then we went for a walk. At 3.45 I said I have to go soon as I had a grocery shop being delivered. And she said that they could just leave it by my front door and no need to rush off etc…. I live in a central area of a city and live on a very busy road. Plus it was hot and my shopping would spoil. I felt so irritated!

anyway fast forward to last weekend and it’s her birthday celebration in a location about 30 miles from our city. She asks if I’ll drive as she doesn’t and I said yes, I’ll pick you up at 10.45 so we don’t have to rush plus parking is notoriously hard in this location. Lunch planned for 12.30. She then a few days ago asked if I could check in on her pet over the weekend as she was planning on staying overnight - quite last minute to ask someone. I didn’t really want to but it’s her birthday so thought I’d do the favour. I told her I’d leave after lunch at 4pm to go check on the pet as I had evening plans after her birthday lunch. Anyway the morning I was meant to pick her up, she said she was running late and wouldn’t be ready until 11. I get there at the 11… she’s not ready. We left at 11.45. Ended up being AN HOUR late for lunch because we couldn’t find parking and had left an hour late. She didn’t reserve a table in the restaurant so they were full and when we eventually sat down and ordered lunch, I basically had to eat and go. And she started on the whole “so soon?!” thing in front of everyone. I’d even reminded her in the car that I needed to leave at 4 to have time to check in on and feed pet.

It makes me feel so angry and as if I’m really uptight whereas I just have things to do so can’t live according to her schedule. The whole birthday thing made me realise she has no respect for my time, nor does she listen to what I say. She used to live abroad and says that there no one makes plans or sticks to schedules, which I think is untrue (I’ve lived in various countries abroad). My DH says to not bother getting into it with her and simply say next time “I have an hour” and if she’s late, to just buy a coffee and then leave when the hour is up. I really want to say something to her but not sure if I should.

I hate being treated like this. Help! Should I say something or indirectly put up a boundary?

I used to be late as a teenager (before mobile phones). Then I qualified as a lawyer doing court work. Now I stress if not ten mins early, even though I haven’t done court work for years. However, accommodating kids’ friends’ mums has trued my patience! One always cancelled 5 mins beforehand - nevermind disappointment to child expecting playdate. The curse of phones and selfish c@ws in modern day parenting! When we moved schools and location I went NC and such a relief!

If someone is late, I leave after 10 minutes unless the person is rarely late and has let me know they are delayed.

As for time blindness etc, it doesn't have acute onset so if one has it, one sould prepare according.

I was that friend as a teenager. By bf cured me by leaving if I was more than 5 minutes late. Later I was a teacher - that makes you pathologically punctual. I can't abide lateness now.

Keeping someone waiting unnecessarily is rude. Asking you to pet sit at short notice is presumptuous. She seems to think that her time is more important than yours. I wouldn't have a lot of patience with someone like this, I'm afraid. I'd do what your husband suggested.

I HATE lateness. If it's out of your control (traffic/a pooey nappy just as you've got a foot out the door etc) then fine. But when it's literally just because they're late for the sake of being late/poor timekeeping then that's not on.

The late person is basically saying 'my time is more important than yours'. The disrespect!! 🤬

Wait ten minutes. Phone her. No reply, leave. If she's going to be longer than ten minutes, leave.

She'll soon get the message.

You're being unreasonable putting up with it.

In all my relationships I know the other person will have at least one flaw and I have my own.

So if they are a great friend otherwise and I can manage that one flaw then why not.

Also for me I am just used to it as my family operate on “alternate timing” too so managing that kind of thing is something I am used to.

I would dump this friend in a heartbeat.

I knew someone like this.It wasn't until she nearly wrecked my 40th birthday celebrations with her selfish and apparently deliberate lack of awareness of other people's plans that things finally came to a head. Another friend,not wishing to cause a scene on my birthday,contacted her the day after and told her exactly how everyone in the group felt about her constant last minute 'adjustments' and their consequences on everyone else.There was a 'cooling off' of relations but the ensuing awkward situation more or less sorted itself when she went to live in France a few months later. Haven't seen her since and that was nearly 30 years ago🙂

It would drive me up the wall. I've ended a friendship because of this sort of thing. A friend was always not ready (ie in the middle of lunch) when I'd call for her to go to toddler group. One time after she'd moved an hour away she was supposed to be at mine for 11am. I was going out at 1.30pm. I told her this. At 11am she rang to say she was just leaving her house as her new neighbour had popped round & she didn't want to be rude by saying she had to go out! Firstly, nothing rude in saying that and secondly, she didn't mind being rude to me. I wish I'd told her not to bother coming but I didn't keep in touch with her after that

Me too. I just wish I’d ditched her YEARS ago…

Indirect is no good. You need to ask her about her struggles with time keeping. Ask her nicely but directly. Find out what it’s about. It’s very rude and frustrating.

I hadn’t expected many responses. So thank you!

re ADHD/time blindness - I do suspect she may have ADHD actually (as does she) but she makes no attempt to do anything about it and she KNOWS she’s always late. She manages to be on time for hobbies/fitness classes she attends. Plus she’s a fully grown woman, not a teenager.

she’s never late for a particular reason. It’s always that she’s just not got ready in time, or it’s been nice weather so she’s let her pet out in the sunshine, or she realised she was hungry as she was about to leave.

re: the person who suggested I meet her when I don’t have things to do afterwards - that’s mostly impossible as I’m really busy - DH, DSc, ageing mother, busy job etc and like to make some time for myself to keep fit etc.

I’m still conflicted but mostly people here seem to think to give her 10 mins and then leave. And repeat.

also I don’t have a lot of close female friends near me and I’ve moved around a lot. Moved to this new city in my 30s and haven’t found a close friendship group. I have a best friend who lives a 3 hour drive away and this has made me feel sad, a bit lonely and craving female friendship (which I really value).

thanks to everyone who’s read all of this. I know it’s a first world pain and I’m lucky as I have a happy marriage and a good relationship with DSc but I’d like some friends to spend time with too.

the lateness is really annoying but it’s arranging a meal 40 miles from home with rubbish parking then expecting you to drive that would infuriate me more

Someone once said to me that keeping another person waiting for you is basically stealing their life, ie. their time on this earth. I have been less patient about lateness since then, especially for meetings where everyone waits for Mr or Mrs Big to arrive before it starts. For someone I am meeting outside of work, I would never wait more than 20 minutes at most if I had not heard from them. So rude!

Ditch the friend

I have a friend who is always, always late. If we're meeting for coffee or she's popping round here, mostly I don't mind- in fact we take bets on how late she'll actually be!
However, if we are going somewhere/ picking others up etc that is time sensitive, I text her beforehand to remind her, pick her up last if I'm driving and have told her if she's not ready and out the door I'll go without her. She knows I mean it and so far she's managed to be on time.

Yes, I agree with this. It's not just being late, it's the assumption that it doesn't matter and you can easily change other plans to suit her.

I would start making arrangements that don't include collecting her, arrange to meet at the venue and you need to say "it's because you are always late and it disrupts the rest of my day. I don't want to be hanging around waiting for you". And if she isn't where she is supposed to be at the time agreed, then go home or go and do something else instead.

She won't change her behaviour unless you change your expectations and responses.

I Wouldn't tolerate this, I'd have to say something.

I once turned up 2 minutes "late" (most people do accept that 1pm might mean a few minutes either side) and got moaned at. He didn't get my issue of him being 15 minutes late constantly. Or he'd turn up early (he lives 5 minutes away so no traffic, etc) and complain I'd check him waiting. He actually text me and told me 7.30 but he'd turn up early and then moan

Hate it myself op. My friend has got better I def dropped a dig I hate late people😄. I just do cafe now not cinema or something at a set time. If she had small kids I say ok but ours grown. Just a bad habit with her.. annoying waiting around too

I completely understand your frustration. I would probably cut outings.
I have a friend who is always late, not so bad, it’s 10-20 minutes but it creates a bit of a problem. My friend is trying to do a lot of different things so basically she will arrive a bit later as she popped to pharmacy on the way and leave a bit earlier as she wants to pop to a post office on the way.
The problem is that I’m busy as well and also plan things together but I plan them before our meeting time or after. I now struggle to suggest a meet up as it feels a bit like I have a lot of free time (I’m not). And also that she really struggles to meet up but can’t say no to me.

Exactly. Life is too short to play this game

Why does the flexibility have to come from the person who keeps to what was promised and turns up on time? Whys the onus not on Latey McLateFace? That IS treating them as superior.

I’m usually pretty laid back about stuff but this would piss me off.
It’s so hard to maintain friendships sometimes without feeling like a doormat.

I am single, and wfh so I spend a lot of time on my own. Seeing friends is important to me but I get let down all the time and it feels like I am begging for little crumbs from these people and I can never decide if it’s worth me feeling like I do over it or whether I would be better off with no friends at all