18 yr old taking the p**s

[Dizzydoodle]

So my child has always been untidy and it really gets me down. I went upto their room and omg, the smell and mess, I was nearly sick. There wasn't a bit of floor you could see. I don't allow food or drink upstairs.

I initially gave the weekend to clean/remove all rubbish/tidy the room. This I reluctantly extended to the Tuesday.

That passed, so I said you have until the weekend to get it done or you swap rooms with your sibling. Saturday came and is still not done. That was 7 days.

Come the move around, they have banged about, sulked, stropped, cried, and still not done it. There is still rubbish. Eventually, a bin bag came downstairs, but still finding rubbish.

They tried to leave some for their sibling to do , but it was rubbish and dirty laundry. 🤢 They went to a friends for 2 nights yesterday so I sent a message last night saying to be home by 12 today or not to bother coming back.

Not appeared as yet.

Husbands family say I'm being unreasonable, and said it's down to bad parenting they're like this.

well if its down to bad parenting why isn't your other child the same with their bedroom? I take it they are not as bad?

How long had it been between checks. At 18 mine needed to keep on top of things daily.

To tell your 18 year old to be home by 12 or not bother returning is dreadful.

The other bedrooms are bit messy at times but played in and usually tidied by bedtime, other siblings are younger. They never take food up to their rooms.

Told daily to bring down washing and to tidy. I didn't like going too much, trying to give independence and responsibility.

Do you pay for their phone? My DD is 18, she lives by my house rules or I'll cancel her phone. I work full time, and some weekends. I give her jobs to do, not loads, keep room tidy, empty/fill dishwasher, hoover.

She knows I mean business if she doesn't do them. It's half an hour out of her day, granted she does them 10 minutes before I get home though!

You need to get tough, switch WiFi off, or change the password, threaten to cancel their phone and always follow through. It's your house, so your rules!

If It’s really bad then they might be finding it a bit overwhelming knowing where to start.

it would have been better to go in with them, give some directions and a bit of help to start till they go going.

Threatening your child with homelessness due to a messy room is unacceptable parenting.

I agree with all of this.

Your parenting/consequences sound haphazard, ott and harmful.

In two weeks you've threatened to take their room, done it and then also essentially threatened to kick them out of the home entirely. At 18 years old. Crimes - being messy and missing a curfew. It's awful behaviour from you op.

Do not underestimate the damage you will do to your relationship with your child. Casually threatening them with homelessness will never be forgotten by them, even if it is by you and is only said in temper.

Dh was constantly threatened with similar from age 16...any argument, any time he didn't do exactly as his mother wanted, it was 'well xyz or don't even come home again'. He moved out at 18 because he couldn't deal with the lack of security and constant threats. His crimes were an untidy bedroom. Leaving his towel on the bathroom floor. A girlfriend MIL didn't like. Choosing A Levels MIL disagreed with. He wasn't out doing drugs or anything awful.

His relationship with his mum now is...polite. Because he hates drama and is a kind man. He'd never 'have it out' with her, tell her how much damage she did to him or do anything to purposely upset her. But she lives 20 minutes away and has no real or meaningful part of our lives and a superficial relationship with her dgc at best...the eldest of whom is 17.

She would chuckle at their 'teenage drama' type arguments from years ago when she'd threaten to put dh's stuff in a bin bag. Dh is in his 40's and has very different memories of how that felt. MIL has no concept of just how low dh's opinion is of her as a parent or of how he's purposefully kept his children at arms length for years due to her behaviour towards him as a teen. He doesn't trust her as far as he could throw her.

Yes I pay for their phone and tablet. I do leave little jobs like that also, unload the dishwasher and drainer, wipe the kitchen sides. Might ask to put the vac round if I've been busy. I work full time too and generally out by 7.30, getting back around 4.30.

Definitely taking the devices away.

‘Be home by 12 today or don’t bother coming back.’ I find that an horrific example of parenting.

You’re the parent, show some support I’d say. My 19yo bedroom is also a bombsite, exactly as you describe but I supportively help tidy as it just gets overwhelming for him. They’re teenagers, it’s how they live. If it bothers you that much, close the door, you don’t need to live in that room.

…there is no food or drink up there, so if it’s just dirty clothes & general mess, I would leave them too it.

They will get fed up at some point, and tidy up.

Shut the door, leave them too it.

Washing doesn’t really need doing everyday.

Taking devices away won’t get you what you want.

What you want is a clean house and a good relationship with your child.

Threatening your child and removing tech won’t achieve either of those.

It’s a shock tactic…obviously the mum doesn’t literally mean this…but it’s a good threat to use. Maybe I’m wrong but I think the 18 yr old is a girl…let her stew in her filth!

I don't think I would have actually made them homeless, I was just so angry with them about everything.

I have been up to get the younger siblings stuff out of my room and back into theirs.

All their stuff has been thrown into the space, including the rubbish. Pop bottles, chocolate wrappers cake boxes. Dirty laundry in there too. I'm at my wits end. Really don't know what to do.

It’s poor and ineffective parenting.

Never ever threaten something you don’t plan to carry out. Not with a two year old, not with an 18 year old.

Or you could meet them halfway, say let's sort your room together. Get it all clean and tidy, then tell them they need to keep on top of it.

They could be feeling overwhelmed with how much there is to do.

I’d refuse to do it and then let them have a friend round let their friend see how bad they are it works wonders in our house. The amount of times I’ve given them all a pile of clean washing and then found it just back in the laundry is ridiculous. I don’t think it’s bad parenting at all but maybe you’ve done too much for them and now they expect a life time service. I have found that threatening just doesn’t work unless it’s something you can follow through on.

Mine all now have to change their own beds once a week, we don’t have a dishwasher and have a ridiculous issue with flies so they have to make sure all plates are cleared and rinsed. They can iron their school shirts but it took some time and patience to show them. We don’t allow food or drinks in bedrooms save for water.

Have you ever taught them to clean properly as I think sometimes we assume they will just know.

ultimately create your own boundaries and stick to them, reclaim your home!

Yes that is shocking!

They may be messy but you saying that is horrible and nasty. If my mum had said that it would be over.

Maybe you're the problem.

YABU for what you said about them not coming home.

Have you actually gone ahead and swopped their room with their sibling as you said you would? If not, would do that. And (depending on the contract terms) stop paying for the phone and other things

Don't make threats you can't or won't follow through. Not setting and keeping reasonable boundaries is bad parenting. What is your husband (presumably their father) doing to help?

I'm tearing my hair out with my DD18's room too. She won't let me help. It drives me demented. She has a recent autism diagnosis so we've been going easy on her, but all that has done is put off fixing it and letting the problem grow.

We are much more gentle than you have been. Telling her not to come home or chucking her out of her room is way OTT IMO but we are at the point of refusing her use of my car if she refuses to either do it herself or let me help.

I am quite worried about her going to uni. My plan today is to look up tips for bedroom tidying with ADHD - she doesn't have a diagnosis but the chaos is such that it might help. I'd love any pointers. Honestly we have been working on this since she was 3, it is not for want of trying.

What makes you think it's a good threat to use?

I've listened to dh talk about how he felt from 16-18 having that particular threat bandied around often and I can tell you it's incredibly fucking damaging. Having doubt cast on whether you'll have a bed to sleep in tomorrow. The low level constant uncertainty and anxiety it causes. The helpless feeling when someone supposed to love you flexes that ultimate power over you.

Dh is generally quite 'mentally robust' if you will and it still affected him badly. For someone with more 'delicate' mental health it could be disastorous.

Then don’t say stupid harmful things!

The last sentence of your opening post is quite worrying for me.

what is your family life like? It doesn’t sound like you have the support of your husband or his family. If they are blaming ‘parenting’ generally, and not just your one comment which I’m sure you know wasn’t acceptable, then are they aware that he is also the child’s parent?