18 yr old taking the p**s

[Dizzydoodle]

So my child has always been untidy and it really gets me down. I went upto their room and omg, the smell and mess, I was nearly sick. There wasn't a bit of floor you could see. I don't allow food or drink upstairs.

I initially gave the weekend to clean/remove all rubbish/tidy the room. This I reluctantly extended to the Tuesday.

That passed, so I said you have until the weekend to get it done or you swap rooms with your sibling. Saturday came and is still not done. That was 7 days.

Come the move around, they have banged about, sulked, stropped, cried, and still not done it. There is still rubbish. Eventually, a bin bag came downstairs, but still finding rubbish.

They tried to leave some for their sibling to do , but it was rubbish and dirty laundry. 🤢 They went to a friends for 2 nights yesterday so I sent a message last night saying to be home by 12 today or not to bother coming back.

Not appeared as yet.

Husbands family say I'm being unreasonable, and said it's down to bad parenting they're like this.

My only rules were no food in the room & dirty laundry in the basket.

Sometimes when I was hoovering my room I'd offer to do theirs if the floor was clear.

That usually got anything off the floor & lead to a tidy up.

If your husband doesn't agree what's his solution.

Does he ever help them if they are overwhelmed?

This absolutely gives me vibes of my MIL. The words, the tone, everything. It's exactly the sort of 'lighthearted and amusing' anecdote she recalls about dh as a teen.

Can you even imagine someone coming along and actually flinging all of your most treasured things out of the window? All your 'most precious items', as you put it? The damage, upset, humiliation? Good grief.

You may enjoy recounting this anecdote and think it worked and no harm done in the long run but I would bet my house on it that your children have very different feelings about it - even as adults, even in 20 years time, even if they'd never say it to you. They'll remember.

This sort of behaviour is so so damaging to relationships...the perpetrators never ever see it though.

I completely agree with the last paragraph, and think it highly likely that all those saying how damaging it is to threaten the 18 year old that they won't have a roof over their head, have never had to deal with a kid of this age, being as stroppy as that of the OP.

I also don't agree with all the excuses made about ND etc. Perfectly normal teenagers act out like this too, they live like pigs if you let them. We actually got to the point where my DD was so stroppy that she would choose not to come home, leaving us tearing our hair out with worry, and even calling the police out. In the end, her DF, (we were divorced by this point) said that he would pay for her to have her own bedsit. We all thought that living in a small space would force her to be tidier, etc. Instead, she continued to live like a pig, and it wasn't until she had rats in her room, because she was too lazy to take the rubbish out, that she finally saw the light.

She was raised as most normal children are, but when she became a teenager, a monster moved into her body, and didn't leave until she had a child of her own!

Sounds like a nightmare OP. Her karma will come one day when she has a lazy boyfriend, and at that stage will look back on all this and understand you better!

My son started smoking at uni. None of us are smokers. Rule is he doesn’t smoke in the house. Could you not have just given that rule instead of threatening to throw him out and shouting and tears? 🤷‍♀️

This is so relatable - DD1 (19) and DD2 (14) share a room, but DD1 considers it, 'her,' room as DD1 is mostly at uni.

The mess is shocking and I've gone from ignoring it completely, to using it as a bargaining tool (yes your boyfriend can come over but please tidy room), the bottom of the barrel method - could you both please bring the plates and trash downstairs, please don't leave wet towels on the floor

After a sit down, DD1 did make a few good points, including that they don't have enough storage, which is reasonable.

I said I was reluctant with any, 'solution,' involving me spending money to resolve, but we've been looking on FB market place for an additional set of drawers, organising the space a bit better.

It's a start...

Stop battling the mess. Their mess, they can live in it. Shut the door. Don't nag about washing, if isn't in the wash basket it doesn't get washed. But don't - under any circumstances allow food or drink (other than water) in their room. Good luck.

You have my full sympathies.
No lifts for my 18 year old DS and phone is taken away until it’s done. Every Single Time. It’s Draining 😥

Like his grandparents, we have zero tolerance to smokers living in the family home. We have said he can smoke once he owns his own home. His grandparents all feel this way too. It stinks out the house even if they smoke outside as it clings to their clothing, bed linen etc (third hand smoke). Hard line on this. And also other substance abuse...we won't back down.

He also has just recovered from pericarditis in recent months so shouldn't be going near anything which may affect the condition. Smoking can cause more damage whilst recovering from this. He is autistic so we do try our best to put in boundaries for him. It's all done with his best interests at heart.

We have no problem with him having a few drinks at home as he's 18yo, but he's not allowed to drink unless in company. No drinking on his own. Found Buckfast bottle in his room months ago and said that he just can't do that during the day. He said he was bored! I said no, only drinking with family or friends. Otherwise due to his personality type, its a slippery slope. Then there was an incident with magic mushrooms one day...we have had our troubles. Next one down is complete opposite.

OP, set boundaries in place. It might not work immediately but try your best and see how it goes. Its not easy raising teenagers!! You have my sympathies and we all do lose our temper from time to time. I gave DS a hug and apologised for saying something which probably upset him and wasn't pleasant to hear. As parents we have to also hold up our hands and admit we don't always get it right🤷‍♀️

No, but you make empty threats knowing the emotional impact they'll have when you want something. You might know you'd never do that, but your teenager doesn't really, and you know that, which is why you use it.

Eventually they will get tried of this and will probably move out, so don't use it lightly.

Why are you making them swap rooms? I'd also be pissed if it was obvious favouritism going on.

So where would he realistically go if he packed his bags? I too hate smoking but thankfully I’ve not smelt it in the house or on him. He doesn’t smoke in the house, I wouldn't tell him to pack his bags but I would throw away his cigarettes if he smoked in the house (which he doesn’t).

What will the boyfriend's karma be?

Way OTT for a messy room. Not like it's drugs,violence,intimidation etc.

Sending that message also makes you sound a bit dramatic and immature.

I was exactly the same as a teen and if I'm totally honest until my early 20s. I am still not a naturally tidy person but I am much better.

My mum would react similarly to you when it got too chaotic then I got overwhelmed and didn't know where to start. (When I was really in the doghouse, my elder brother or sister would sneak in and help me organise the piles I was making and losing track of.)

I have a lot of patience with my own kids cos I am no hypocrite. I have to teach them how to tidy/organise,especially with my 13 yr old as he has ASD. He tries so hard but his idea of putting laundry away is to literally shove it in a cupboard 🤣Instead of yelling,I explain why and then chat to him while we refolding together.

Bigger fish to fry etc.

My younger son is quite messy and a bit slow to bring cups etc downstairs but my goodness when his gf came to visit for the first time he was like a whirling dervish getting everything spotless. She’s not local so I look forward to her next stay. Both my boys turn into Aggie and Kim when their gf’s stay 😁

Op I am sorry you face had so many pious and unhelpful comments. Not one of these so called parents have actually suggested how you manage it.

You haven’t damaged your adult child by putting your foot down.

@101Alsatians I think you mean bigger ugly fish to fry. (If you know, you know 😁).

At 18 it would be beyond ridiculous to teach them how to tidy!! Patronising and likely to cause more problems!

Well you haven't suggested anything either!

So, it's been over 3hrs of arguments. Came in at 11.59 went straight in the kitchen for food. Husband stopped them. They came to me and said "I'm home, what do you want me to do". I said 2 things, "The rest of the rubbish out and sort the pile of stuff you've thrown on the floor."

2 minutes later, they told me it was done.

It hadn't been touched. I've had to stand there and point to each individual bit of rubbish and dirty laundry. My husband has moved the bed, sofa bed and draws. So that it can be vacuumed and steamed.

There's more than enough storage in the room 9 full sized draws, a wardrobe, separate shoe rack. All empty.

I've had to stop all my own housework to manage them. Back at work tomorrow so goodness knows when I'll get back to mine.

Door is shut to the room but you could smell it on the stairs, even though I've had every window in the house open.

You will end up with an infestation of rats. That is not a solution!

I am not lecturing op!!!!!

Probably over to one set of grandparents for a while. He's actually looking to move out part of the week soon due to starting a new college course which has been discussed with them and they are fine with it as long as he follows their rules...he knows he is welcome here too and that we love him and his three younger siblings but they all have to respect the family rules.

Op most of these posts haven’t got older teens or adult children. They know how to tidy, clean and organise their space - they just choose not to.

Op you have a right to expect minimum standards in your own home. They are adult now and sometimes you have to lay out exactly what is expected.

You are offering a lovely home. You are supporting them. Basic respect is not much to ask.