18 yr old taking the p**s

[Dizzydoodle]

So my child has always been untidy and it really gets me down. I went upto their room and omg, the smell and mess, I was nearly sick. There wasn't a bit of floor you could see. I don't allow food or drink upstairs.

I initially gave the weekend to clean/remove all rubbish/tidy the room. This I reluctantly extended to the Tuesday.

That passed, so I said you have until the weekend to get it done or you swap rooms with your sibling. Saturday came and is still not done. That was 7 days.

Come the move around, they have banged about, sulked, stropped, cried, and still not done it. There is still rubbish. Eventually, a bin bag came downstairs, but still finding rubbish.

They tried to leave some for their sibling to do , but it was rubbish and dirty laundry. 🤢 They went to a friends for 2 nights yesterday so I sent a message last night saying to be home by 12 today or not to bother coming back.

Not appeared as yet.

Husbands family say I'm being unreasonable, and said it's down to bad parenting they're like this.

Yep, rats or mice. OP says her daughter's room stinks and you can smell it all down the stairs. I was sharing with flatmates at 17 and they definitely would have chucked my stuff out the window if I'd chosen to live like a pig.

Getting dumped, hopefully!

Why rats? They only go where there is food.

We've got similar rules to @diddl - no food in the room, laundry in the basket.

I've learned to fight the battles I can win. I've put lego, magazines, books etc on his bed when he was about 13 years old as I lost patience with nagging - worked for a while.

But I eventually learned to make it into a joke. So I'll walk past his room saying 'get your clothes off the floor soldier' then on the way back say ' dust, sonny Jim, dust!' in a sergeant major voice. It's not worth spoiling a good relationship for in my opinion.

He's now 18 and his room isn't too bad - some of the surfaces could do with a more frequent dust down. His desk? What desk - you seriously can't see it for books, pens etc. He changes his bed and makes it every morning.

Every so often he'll give us the shock of our lives as we hear the hoover going upstairs and think we have a cleaning burglar or someone's cloned our son!

It's not my idea of 'clean' but there's no bugs, no smells and I don't have to slam the door shut if we have visitors so I'll go with that.

Once a month or so we'll have a blitz. The two of us put on some music and he'll clean and I'll supervise - I don't clean for him. He's old enough. It's like he just doesn't see the 'mess' unless I draw a finger along his desk and show him dust! But I don't always like my DH's level of cleaning so does that make me picky??

DS knows how to clean, it's just not a priority yet. This summer it's all about meeting his mates - it's their final summer together - I'm not going to stop that, friends are precious. Cleaning can wait. I imagine, once I've blitzed his room after he goes to uni, I'll be waiting for the day when I can say 'get your clothes off the floor' again.

I was exactly the same at his age and now my home isn't neat as a pin but it is clean enough that, if a friend turned up unexpectedly, they wouldn't recoil in disgust.

As for preparation for university? He can cook, clean, wash and iron. If his room is a mess he'll have to live in it - he knows what to do. And hopefully he'll sometimes hear Sergeant Major mum in his head!

I'd say it's time for a chat about some easy ground rules, a hug and try again. And keep trying - I've learned that one specific instruction at a time is all that some teenagers (and DH's come to that) can cope with!

This ^^
but keep working with them on keeping a decent clean space. Saturday morning routine? Your house your rules, it’s being a parent!

You’ve been a bit harsh with the threat but I can sense your frustration.
One of the joys of parenting. 😩🤷‍♀️

This. Tell them you will be bagging up the mess and filth on x day and putting the bin bags in the garden.

Then do it.

Other than that, stop the payments and stop enabling her.

Entirely unacceptable - you don’t run a doss house and they need to show you, DH and your home some respect.

Are they in education or earning? Could they make a contribution to the house (costs, chore rota)? Why are you paying for their devices? He’d be in for a rude awakening if he entered a flat share or started to live with a partner!

Op this exact thread was posted last week by another pp and the op was royally bollocked for not being strict enough!!!!!!

It’s a joke.

You have quite rightly said if you can’t respect our house, and the small number of rules we have then please do find yourself another house that will better suit you. There are plenty of places one could suggest.

The infantilising going on this thread is ridiculous. Show him how to fold his pants. Show her very gently how to pick up a towel 🙄🙄🙄
JFC!!!!

Op you are not being remotely reasonable.

The IQ is limited on here

In education but applying for jobs. They've had a few interviews but no luck so far on that front. Phone is yrs old so it's airtime only but the tablet was needed for the college course at the time.

We do have a chores list. All 5 of us on it, the younger siblings having more age appropriate tasks.

I'm glad to see that you've had a few more people on here who actually understand what you're going through now OP. Please can you clarify, is it a boy smell or a girl smell? Either way, there are lots of tips online for getting rid of the smell of a teenage boy's room, for example:

• Ventilation: Open windows to allow fresh air circulation.

• Fans: Use fans to circulate air and help reduce moisture buildup.

• Baking Soda: Place open containers of baking soda in the room to absorb odors.

• Vinegar: Use bowls of vinegar to help neutralize odors.

• Clean Surfaces: Regularly dust and clean surfaces, including behind furniture and under the bed.

• Remove Clutter: Remove any items that may be contributing to odors, such as dirty laundry or trash.

I appreciate that the last two items on the list may be a bit much to expect, but the baking soda, and the vinegar may help.

Keep your chin up OP, I promise you that at some point in the future you WILL laugh about what you're going through now. I once took a photo of the state of my DD's room, and wave it under her nose occasionally, to remind her what she was like as a teenager!😂

Except she didn’t say that, she said ‘if you’re not here by 12 don’t bother coming back’. Not quite the same as your more reasonable and civilised version.

She gave him/her a god dann deadline.

He is an ADULT.

Not a four year old, so offering him the experience of deadlines is NOT child abuse, it is ‘child’ / young adult development’!

For heavens sake no wonder our kids have no resilience when even the most basic of expectations are called ‘damaging’

WTAF

It is a huge insult to actual victims of abuse.

I have read OP’s post and reply’s at no point has she stated her child is ND. Therefore my comment stands a good kick up the arse is what is required.

If his room is a smelly shit hole why should he keep the room. It's only right they swap and give the bigger room to the cleaner child and the messy room to the one who likes to live in a shit hole. The op is doing the right thing being a parent.

Don't read people make excuses for all types of bad behaviour. Even wanker husbands who holds money from their wives the posters always ask is he ND. I've had enough they are giving people with ND bad names.

What's wrong with that if they don't like house rules then they should go and find somewhere else to live.

This. One of my dcs has adhd and her room gets ridiculous. We do it together because I love her.

I can see why you might do this if your adult child has additional needs or serious mental health problems, but you are doing them a huge disservice if not.

If they can’t even tidy a room how on earth will they ever manage living alone or dealing with life?!

Ha ha.

Theyve just graduated from an excellent uni and are about to start a prestigious internship. They have a lovely boyfriend, a bunch of fantastic friends. They are kind and thoughtful.

She's also struggled with her ADHD and sorting out her room together has been a pleasure. I'm sure knowing she has parents who support her and will help when things get overwhelming has been part of her success.

But I'm a kind and considerate mum who doesn't sweat the small stuff and has never had to threaten to kick my kids out, so atypical for Mumsnet. Therefore maybe some posters, caught up in the hive mind, can't get their heads round it.

It’s not the expectation that the room should be tidy that is damaging.

it’s not the deadline to sort it out that is damaging.

It’s the “do this or I’ll throw you out” that is damaging.

We’re not talking about a working 23 year old who has a job and choices.

We’re talking about an unemployed 18 year old just out of education.

And it’s not just damaging to the child, it’s damaging to the OP’s relationship with her child.

No one said the kid shouldn’t have to clean up. No one said the Mum was wrong to be annoyed about it.
And you don’t build resilience by going zero to 60 over messy rooms.

And you don’t build resilience by going zero to 60 over messy rooms

Great point - in fact all that does is model your own lack of resilience.

I've had to stop all my own housework to manage them.

Why didn't anyone help with that?

God, just going there and cheerfully say ‘ let’s crack on with this together’ and tidy and clean alongside them

but then, I could never have a room in my house that was disgusting so if they can’t clean it themselves, they lose privacy rights as you have to pop in and do it

and piling up punishments doesn’t work either.

you’re doing everything right here to lead to alienation in time however

I've got an autistic daughter in her early twenties and your advice is perfect. We use very similar strategies and can definitely empathise with the getting sucked into Google while researching recycling. If her room gets out of hand it gets to a point where she's so overwhelmed she can't start by herself. Having a weekly tidy down is more effective, but be aware that stressful times will impact ability to maintain it. Totally agree with keeping things visible, otherwise they fall out of existence.