18 yr old taking the p**s

[Dizzydoodle]

So my child has always been untidy and it really gets me down. I went upto their room and omg, the smell and mess, I was nearly sick. There wasn't a bit of floor you could see. I don't allow food or drink upstairs.

I initially gave the weekend to clean/remove all rubbish/tidy the room. This I reluctantly extended to the Tuesday.

That passed, so I said you have until the weekend to get it done or you swap rooms with your sibling. Saturday came and is still not done. That was 7 days.

Come the move around, they have banged about, sulked, stropped, cried, and still not done it. There is still rubbish. Eventually, a bin bag came downstairs, but still finding rubbish.

They tried to leave some for their sibling to do , but it was rubbish and dirty laundry. 🤢 They went to a friends for 2 nights yesterday so I sent a message last night saying to be home by 12 today or not to bother coming back.

Not appeared as yet.

Husbands family say I'm being unreasonable, and said it's down to bad parenting they're like this.

@RosesAndHellebores I really don't understand this sort of parenting. We are talking about an 18 year old not a toddler.

She absolutely needs to respect the homeowner (OP) and she even got an extension! What is being asked of the DC is nothing onerous.

She absolutely should not come home if she doesn't want to because the rules of being at home have been specified and she is flagrantly breaking them.

This is the generation of graduate employees I am struggling to manage at work because they have had everything done for them, have never been set boundaries or expectations and are allowed to get away with rude and disrespectful behaviour.

I would never ever even have considered doing this in my parents' house because they had strong boundaries, delivered consequences if I stepped out of line and because I love and respect them.

@Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink the child is EIGHTEEN!

You're disowning your child and removing their access to their only home and family over a messy room?!
Parent of the year right there.

Parent of the year award goes to...
What an awful attitude, I can understand you are frustrated with the situation but their are other ways to deal with things as suggested up thread.
Guessing staying over with friend at their parents house, they won't want your kid lolling there too long either so you really need to talk to your kid about moving forward and apologise for the 'don't bother coming home' bit, it was the heat of the moment etc.
Whatever happens you need house rules in your own home and dh's family can butt out. If it was really down to bad parenting then they need to realise their darling son /brother needs to take soon of the so called blame not just you.

the climate crisis will not dramatically worsen because you put a loo roll in the rubbish, and what you need is all rubbish in bags, not a two hour session of phone-scrolling because you picked up your phone to google whether or not a particular type of plastic wrap can be recycled.

@LauraMipsum i feel seem there 😁😁
Thats the sort of thing I’d do, and I’m as NT as it comes.

Presumably you aren't neuro-diverse. Yes dd is that generation who has had everything done for her. It has helped her be stable and secure and didn't stop her taking a first from Cambridge and becoming a secondary teacher, described by Ofsted as inspirational. Moving schools in September to be SEN departmental lead at a lovely independent school. She was begged to stay at her old school and also has a thriving tutee network.

It was an uphill struggle at times and she was quite unwell from 15 to 17 but has a good career in which she is successful and a lovely boyfriend.

If I hadn't supported her and if I'd ever been so callous as to tell her not to bother to come home, it would have been catastrophic.

BTW I never cleaned at home in the 70s, my room was tidied behind me. I have brought up the children similarly but they are house trained because their lived experience has been a clean and tidy home.

How very dare you imply that families like mine result in a weakened work ethic and flakey young people.

All the 'theys' is quite funny when you are talking about one child, presumably a boy or girl. Not a child any more either, eighteen years of age, though all the huffing, puffing and crying does seem childish.

I don't think bad parenting has caused this, it's just how he or she is. I was like that, my son was the same. We outgrew it when we got our own places.

The least your son or daughter can do is fill a bin bag and sort out laundry.

Is an 18 year old a child ? Surely they do their own washing by this age.Not long a go nurse training started at that age living in the nurses home taking responsibility for their lives.I don’t understand how they can reach this age and be so useless maybe not enough is expected of late teens now even though most mothers work full time and still treat them like small children.Howdo they cope at university? I would start by telling them they need to prepare for adult life .Good luck

Are they possibly ND?

I’m 60 with ASD, married with kids and have always lived with a floor robe and some degree of mess. I find it really hard to tidy up and organise my stuff and get overwhelmed by clutter quite easily.

However, I have other skills so I focus on making the most of them instead. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is really helpful. My 17 yo DD is waiting for an ADHD assessment. Her room has been a total shit tip from day 1 and you name it I’ve tried it in terms of getting her to keep it in a reasonable state. Not helped by a shopping obsession where because she can’t find stuff she just gets more!

I see it’s pointless getting angry or making threats and will try some of your suggestions

Sorry but for people saying take devices away.. the "child" is 18? An actual adult? You can't punish an adult in that way! If you pay for their phone, you can insist the direct debit changes to their account. If you pay for the internet, you can turn it off. But you can't confiscate their toys, they're not a toddler!

I still don’t get the room swap…why would you throw that chaos into the mix?

It’s going to be tricky now. I assume the room swap is because the older one has a better room? If you hadn’t said don’t come back I would say ok I’m putting gloves on and chucking everything I can pick up tomorrow when I get home from work. You’re destroying my house, so don’t tell me about things that are yours.

@LauraMipsum thank you, it's really kind of you to share all those tips.

It's awful that you threaten homelessness over a messy room, but I also think it's almost as bad that you have involved the sibling with the room swap. That could lead to resentment (even though it's not the younger one's fault) and could damage the sibling relationship as well. It also creates a lot of drama and upheaval for the whole family just over one messy room.

My ds2 is very messy in his room and it does irritate me, but I can't imagine getting to this stage with it. I cope with nagging, withholding lifts etc until certain tasks are done, letting him deal with the fact that sometime clothes he wants to wear are not clean and refusing to upgrade his room/redecorate etc until he shows he can keep it in a better state. He's decided to live with that last one, which is his choice to make.

Your husband's family need to mind their own business and STFUP. You are teaching your son boundaries, responsibilities and consequences. How is that bad parenting? They should be backing you up!

This is trivial stuff tbh....

DS 18 came back from his holiday with cigarettes even though we have zero tolerance as a family on this. Which he knew and ignored. Massive argument broke out between DS and myself whilst DH at work (his dad). I shouted in anger you're not living here if you continue on this path. You can pack your bags as I am not putting up with this. I was absolutely livid that day. In tears etc. He just wouldn't listen to me. DH suggested he stay a few days at grandparents home until things calmed down. They also had same house rules as us. He learned quickly not to do it again and cause upset. Things are calmer now. He apologised for all the upset he caused.

Yes, not a pleasant thing to say to your offspring but until you've had to deal with similar you can't understand how teenagers affect your mental health by their selfish behaviour.

Mine are gone now but I had this.

I didn't go in their rooms. I closed the doors and kept the rest of the house the way I wanted. Every now and then if they were running out of clothes they'd venture out with them for the wash basket, every now and then I'd say I'm sure your bedding is minging get it changed.

They were decent kids, they were just untidy, I drew the line at takeaways in their rooms but now they are living on their own they are miraculously tidy and clean😆

If I'd agonised over it I'd have driven myself crazy.

I'd gut their room. Scoop everything up off the floor and into bin bags, rubbish and all. Give them 5 days to sort through the bags for their stuff before it goes out for the bin man.

As for his phone, cancel it. He can get a job if he wants a phone.

He isn't a child. He's 18. He is a grown ass man.

Most 18 year olds have jobs and are planning their future not this one.

Why was it even aloud to get to that point in the first place!! I just don't get it.

My DD is a bit messy. But every week I go in and ask her to sort her laundry or it doesn't get washed. I give her a time to get it in the basket by, if its not in there it doesn't go in and she has to do her own. She always does it, granted most of the time with about 5 minutes to spare before the cut off.

She has to empty her bins and clear any packets/rubbish/empty bottles out weekly. If she doesn't there are consequences.

The odd time her room has been a little messier than usual she gets overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start so she procrastinates and needs guidance. I go in with bin bags, and we tackle the task together for a while, and then I leave the rest to her.

Throwing her out of her room and telling her to be back by a certain time or don't come back at all is awful and will achieve absolutely nothing other than pushing her away. Be careful what you wish for.

On this occasion I would get her to come home, tell her you will help her tackle it and give some help and guidance on where to start, but then NEVER let it get this bad again. Learn from the errors made here and stay on top of it.

Bag up the lot, including the dirty laundry, and chuck outside.

When they return, they can go through the bags and retreive any clothes they want to launder themselves.

NO MORE food upstairs. Final warning.

Any more mess and they may be receiving a tent to live in, in your garden.

Oh, and cancel or severly limit the data on their phone.

They need a job.

Mine have done this & I gave in & decided to take their most precious items & ALL of their clothes & launch them out of their bedrooms windows onto the front garden for all the neighbours to see.. (lucky for me my neighbours know me well enough & had a giggle) it’s amazing how quick the grown up goblins moved then & just the mere threat works now so they keep their rooms clean! 🤷‍♀️🤣 you do need to be assertive or they will run rings all around you!

They sound like many 18 year olds. My daughter’s room was just the same at that age. When it got really bad I set aside a morning at the weekend and went in at 9 to clear it up with her. I always ended up doing most of the work, but I tried to remember that it was me who was bothered by the mess, not her.

That's funny, that's exactly why my parents think/thought that their golden child/scapegoat approach was fantastic. One child turned out great (that is, did everything they wanted, still totally fucked up though), another was a nightmare and the third just ditched the whole thing and drops in and out as he likes (but he's the boy so that's ok). It can't be their parenting, because Golden Child does what they want, so Scapegoat is responsible for all the fuckery!