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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate holidays with inlaws

132 replies

DodecahedronCat · 26/07/2025 21:54

Every year we go on a UK holiday with my husbands family . His sister in law is the boss of the family, she makes all the plans and everyone follows her. If i ask my husband what we're doing his answer is "I'll see what SISTER says"...
SIL and I are totally different, in 13 years of knowing her she has barely had a conversation with me. I hate being around her and her idea of a holiday is not the same as mine.
I told my husband I cant stand it. He is furious and says its my problem and my bad attitude is ruining the holiday.

OP posts:
VintageMan · 27/07/2025 07:11

OP, I am familiar with situations like this where one side of a marriage has a large and close family. Whilst the support and love is great, the downside, especially if you are marrying into it is that it is like joining the mafia. You have have said that you have gone along with this for years and you want to go for DH and the kids. Sadly you are now stuck with this, unless DH suddenly changes his mind and can see your pov, you will always need to go on these.

My advice is book a winter getaway for you and your family to counter this.

CatOnAHotRadiator · 27/07/2025 07:14

As you are on the holiday right now you need to get on with it. No point bringing everyone down with you for all I understand the frustration and pain of what you are dealing with.

Once home say to your H that next year you want to holiday just your little family and he needs to have your back. And mean it.

Talking about this while on holiday and he’s in the middle is doomed to failure.

ChocoChocoLatte · 27/07/2025 07:24

I could have written this. Foolishly I hoped this year would be different. If anything, it’s worse.

This has been going on for 25 f*cking years now. I’d started to book to go away for the very rare times they come here because we live near a holiday town and they don’t come to spend time with us or DC. Just the shops.

absolute shit show. For the sake of your sanity & marriage Op, don’t do it. Let you DH take the kids and go himself.

DH & I never argue. Ever. Except when his parents visit.

ThatWhiteElephant · 27/07/2025 07:26

DodecahedronCat · 27/07/2025 00:28

Yes they basically all blank me, I feel so isolated around them. Im like an invisible passenger

Sod that!
”dh I’ll pass this year thanks, you go and take the kids, enjoy”
you have a peaceful week to yourself doing what you enjoy.

WaltzingWaters · 27/07/2025 07:36

Options:

  1. DH takes kids and you do your own thing. Lovely relaxing holiday alone by the beach sounds perfect.
  2. Go alternate years and you pick the holiday when you don’t go.
  3. Go for a shorter amount of time.
  4. Go but spend the majority of time doing your own thing.
1 would be my top choice.

But ultimately, your DH sounds like a bit of a dick if he doesn’t see how isolating his family are towards you and how these annual holidays make you feel.

Summmeeerrrrisherenearly030933939 · 27/07/2025 07:45

I’d imagine it’s a vicious circle, you’re hating it and always have done… the In laws will be well aware of this. They will be fed up of this, so therefore moody with you, you’re then moody with them. And the circle keeps on going.
You either don’t go… or you just suck it up and make the best of it when you are there

Steph117 · 27/07/2025 07:48

Isitreallysohard · 27/07/2025 01:09

Yes but clearly you're not a people person if you don't even want to holiday with you're own parents. I've been on plenty of family holidays and it's lovely, and lovely for the children mostly to spend time with their family. The SIL doesn't sound very nice though, so there probably needs to be a conversation about what the problem is and if OP is made to feel unwelcome she'll stop coming. Relationships are a two way thing.

Show quote history

What a weird response. How on earth does not wanting to go on holiday with your parents equate to not being a people person.

if anything I’d argue the opposite is true. Those who do everything with extended family are usually insular and much more limited socially.

Clearinguptheclutter · 27/07/2025 07:50

DodecahedronCat · 27/07/2025 00:27

He would be really upset and the kids would too. His family would be very awkward about it

But they’re blanking you so presumably that is even more awkward

life’s too short for this shit. Don’t go again. Ideally have a separate holiday with a friend or alone. Kids will be fine.

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/07/2025 07:53

So your kids love it, your husband is having a good time, his family are having fun... And you're just there moaning because you don't like his sister?

Sounds to me like you have a you problem.
Don't go if it's to ruin it for everyone.

Isitreallysohard · 27/07/2025 07:56

Steph117 · 27/07/2025 07:48

What a weird response. How on earth does not wanting to go on holiday with your parents equate to not being a people person.

if anything I’d argue the opposite is true. Those who do everything with extended family are usually insular and much more limited socially.

Show quote history

Well obviously if you only hang out with family you'd be insular. What an equally weird response 😆

Jennyathemall · 27/07/2025 08:01

Your problem is your “D”H who refuses to
acknowledge the issue you or stand up and support you. Sorry but you need to leave. You are in no kind of marriage.

LlynTegid · 27/07/2025 08:03

DH goes with your children seems the best option to me.

luckylavender · 27/07/2025 08:04

DodecahedronCat · 27/07/2025 00:27

He would be really upset and the kids would too. His family would be very awkward about it

But you’re allowing them to treat you like this. Grow a backbone

Iamnotalemming · 27/07/2025 08:10

Next year let DH go with kids without you? It sounds miserable.

Andbegin · 27/07/2025 08:14

There’s no point arguing with DH as you are now on the holiday.
Why haven’t you spoken to SIL when she “decides “ on the activities?
What happens when you say “I’m not interested in castles/ amusement arcade/ shopping. We’re going to the beach - welcome to join us”
If that would upset your DH then it’s your marriage not the holiday at fault.

Screamingabdabz · 27/07/2025 08:16

Exclusion is a form of bullying. You’re married to a man who stands by and does not care that his family bully you.

I could not live with this. He’d only be telling me I was ‘ruining the holiday’ once and that prick would be served divorced papers.

chaosmaker · 27/07/2025 08:19

DodecahedronCat · 27/07/2025 00:28

Yes they basically all blank me, I feel so isolated around them. Im like an invisible passenger

I would tell him that they obviously don't want you there so you aren't going next time

Lafufufu · 27/07/2025 08:20

I would not go this year. I just would not he cant make you.
But I'd keep it neutral emotions wise and dont bang on about the SIL so much.

Send him off on his holiday with the kids.
he wants to go on the holiday, you both want it for the kids.... so they should go... but you want to do something yourself just this one year.

A quick Google and tonnes came up

i like the look of this one
https://www.gutsygirls.co.uk/womenonlyretreats
But there's reading treats wellness retreats all kinds of everything.

Go this year, set the precedent, make an excuse and do it agaon in ur 2 and then the spell is broken and you never go again

Edit: just realised you are ON the holiday.
Honestly, its too late at this point to abandon shop.
stop talking about it to your husband and grin and bear it. Id also make sone of my own plans for my family and when SIL vomplains about HER plans be all "oh no! Dh didnt mention that - you are welcome to join us! <Warm smile>" and at least then you do what you want

In the run up to next year get your narrative straight make it about what you need not the fact they ignore you and DO NOT go. Your kids WILL be fine. Its 1 week.

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itsgettingweird · 27/07/2025 08:22

You not going doesn’t mean your DH and kids can’t.

my mum and her sisters camped every year at same place they’d been going to since childhood. The husbands did a few days here and there (sometimes 😂) but honestly it was their family thing and me and all my cousins played with each other and we didn’t need our dads there.

Be a shame if you can’t get AL that week Wink

BuckChuckets · 27/07/2025 08:25

DodecahedronCat · 27/07/2025 00:28

Yes they basically all blank me, I feel so isolated around them. Im like an invisible passenger

Why do you care about upsetting your husband when he obviously doesn't give a shit about you to let this happen?

Silvertulips · 27/07/2025 08:27

Honestly, your husband enjoys these holidays, what he doesn’t want is for you to suck out and leave him to parent his own kids.

He gets to kick back while you do the donkey work.

So no, you aren’t stopping him and you aren’t stopping the children.

Take a week to yourself.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 27/07/2025 08:27

DodecahedronCat · 27/07/2025 00:28

Yes they basically all blank me, I feel so isolated around them. Im like an invisible passenger

And what does your husband think about that? Why does he allow his family to treat you that way and not say anything? Ask him this.
Also ask him if he’d want an annual holiday with a family where he was clearly an outcast and no one spoke to him, and why he thinks it’s reasonable that you should have to suffer in that way?

Pipsquiggle · 27/07/2025 08:31

I am probably going to go against the grain here but we have all been on group holidays and trips where it's patently obvious someone is bloody miserable and making it hard for everyone else. DH's family might just have stopped trying with OP.

I am firmly of the belief that on group holidays, particularly where there is history of doing things a certain way, established over years, you should just join in or don't go.

By going and joining in you can establish new traditions

AbzMoz · 27/07/2025 08:32

Is this the only family holiday you have? Is this the main time you see DH family during the year?

Do you want to pick the destination / activities, and think those would suit the rest of the family? When you’re there, can you opt out of some of the activities or find someone else to join you - eg ‘me and fil would rather go to the museum and food market than the water park this morning, we will see you for dinner and bring back goodies’

Do you have to go on the holiday or leave DH to it? or only join them for a portion of it?

Wellretired · 27/07/2025 08:37

As you're actually there i think you need to grin and bear it, maybe drop out of one or two of the activities gracefully. Then make plans re how to handle it for the next trip. Maybe phone the SIL in a few months and have a chat about what's planned.