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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate holidays with inlaws

132 replies

DodecahedronCat · 26/07/2025 21:54

Every year we go on a UK holiday with my husbands family . His sister in law is the boss of the family, she makes all the plans and everyone follows her. If i ask my husband what we're doing his answer is "I'll see what SISTER says"...
SIL and I are totally different, in 13 years of knowing her she has barely had a conversation with me. I hate being around her and her idea of a holiday is not the same as mine.
I told my husband I cant stand it. He is furious and says its my problem and my bad attitude is ruining the holiday.

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 27/07/2025 02:11

DodecahedronCat · 27/07/2025 00:27

He would be really upset and the kids would too. His family would be very awkward about it

So what do you want from this thread, you seem to have concluded that you have to go because doing otherwise will upset your husband kids so you might as well suck it up and accept it as your life for the feasible future.

The alternative is grow a backbone and tell your husband you wouldn't be going anymore and he is free to take the kids or if you want a compromise maybe every other year or something but also you need to ready to stand by your decision irrespective of how angry he gets.

And you have a massive DH problem here, are you scared of him or dependent on him financially?

I don't see any vote but I would vote YABU because you're an adult and should not allow yourself to be bullied into doing something you don't want especially when his sister doesn't like you and yet you spend every vacation at her whim. If you have stood up for yourself years ago and set boundaries you wouldn't be here today but the longer you allow shit like that to happen the harder it is to stop because it becomes the norm and expectation.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/07/2025 03:21

They blank you on holiday but they’re hurt by you not going on holiday?

They blank you on holiday but your DP is angry that you don’t want to go.

They blank you on holiday but you want to please them.

Not trying to write a poem here, but these things aren’t right OP.

Velmy · 27/07/2025 03:22

DodecahedronCat · 26/07/2025 21:54

Every year we go on a UK holiday with my husbands family . His sister in law is the boss of the family, she makes all the plans and everyone follows her. If i ask my husband what we're doing his answer is "I'll see what SISTER says"...
SIL and I are totally different, in 13 years of knowing her she has barely had a conversation with me. I hate being around her and her idea of a holiday is not the same as mine.
I told my husband I cant stand it. He is furious and says its my problem and my bad attitude is ruining the holiday.

Unless there's more too this and you're just as bad as each other, there's a simple solution here...don't go.

You've been making the effort for years, you're not enjoying it and it's not going to change. Tell him you're not going on the next one, it's causing you stress when it should be relaxing and take yourself away somewhere instead.

Ideally he'll go with you, but make sure he knows that he doesn't have to and you're not making him choose. That's beyond reasonable.

It'll likely cause a bit of agro with his family, but you'll have to put yourself first at some point. You can't keep doing something that's making you miserable, and your husband shouldn't expect you to.

If he's not willing to listen to how you feel and have your back, you have a bigger issue.

BeanQuisine · 27/07/2025 03:24

You do seem resigned to being the victim in this situation, so there's not much advice people can give.

If you do go you won't enjoy it and there'll be friction, if you don't go you won't enjoy it and there'll be friction.

You seem to have decided that the second choice would be worse.

Katflapkit · 27/07/2025 03:39

Loads of posts saying the same thing - DON'T GO and yet you fail to address that as an option on your updates. I agree with the above poster, grow a backbone and refuse to go on the next one. Your DH gets to have his traditional family holiday, your kids get to have fun with their cousins and you don't have to spend any time with those miserable in-laws.

Will they be annoyed you are going away on your own, visiting your family, can't get away from work - so what, what's the worse they can do, not talk to you? They are already blank you. If your DH complains tell him he is as culpable as his in-laws, for letting them treat you like this for 13 years.

Start planning next year's holiday for you.

giveflowersbackaibu · 27/07/2025 04:58

YANBU

Hygbridghhh · 27/07/2025 05:10

Cynic17 · 26/07/2025 22:07

Er, so don't go! Just let your husband go without you, and you do your own thing. It's very simple.

I'm in a similar situation it's complicated by having kids and wanting to spend holiday with them.

user1492757084 · 27/07/2025 05:43

If you are actually on the holiday right now, you can only make the most of it. Why argue?
Can you not stay in your own room and sleep or read?
Do a different activity to other people some of the time.
Invite others out to a place where you would like to eat.

If the family as a whole enjoys the holiday then your choice is to go and join in or to go and change what YOU do while you are there.

Make sure you book another holiday every year with your husband and children.

Pipsquiggle · 27/07/2025 05:44

I can see both sides.

DH and DC love this holiday. You hate it. Is this your only holiday in the year?

I think you remain passive or don't go or talk to SIL directly and tell her what you would like to do.

There are consequences to all the above, only you can assess the collateral impact. You do have agency.

There are certain scenarios where it is better to be a 'passenger' but sometimes you have to do things how you would like to do them.

When visiting my in-laws, admittedly not on a holiday, I couldn't do that, I am definitely a 'passenger'. Some things drive me mad but they just do things differently to me. They are not bad people. I have just learnt it's easier for everyone if I just sit back and let them fall back into their family dynamics. My DH and DC have a great time with siblings and cousins. I enjoy watching them having fun, although sometimes I am bored to tears. Wine helps. Also having chats with my SIL, who also married in to the family. Sometimes she doesn't make it to every family gathering. I suspect she puts her foot down.

PigletSanders · 27/07/2025 05:48

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/07/2025 00:35

"I told my husband I cant stand it. He is furious and says its my problem and my bad attitude is ruining the holiday."

So - you have a husband problem.

"Yes they basically all blank me, I feel so isolated around them. Im like an invisible passenger"

And your husband is OK with that? Does he pretend he doesn't see it?

Exactly this. What an absolute prick he is.

AhBiscuits · 27/07/2025 05:48

YANBU.
My SIL is a nightmare on holidays. You don't get a minute's peace, she's always got a strict itinerary planned out and we're dashing from one place to the next. I suck it up because my kids adore spending time with their cousins. It's a relief to get home and some quiet time though. We do plenty of holidays with just pur family and they're more relaxing.

CherriesStrawberries · 27/07/2025 06:03

Is this your only holiday every year and does it cost you a lot? If so, you and your DC and DH should stop going. It no, the DH goes with the DC and you stay at home.

TeamGeriatric · 27/07/2025 06:04

Tell me this isn't the only holiday you take in a year? I think I could deal with it being a bit miserable it if was not the main event and I had separate holiday plans for just husband, kids and I, but if this was my only holiday for the year, I wouldn't be putting up with everyone making me miserable. It's a miserable way to spend your annual leave.

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2025 06:12

It sounds like nobody has any respect for you including your husband and you've been putting up with it for 13 years. Start standing up for yourself whether that's saying you're not going or going but doing your own thing there

Snoken · 27/07/2025 06:18

You need to stop being a martyr. So what if your husband and kids wants you there, you don't want to be there and it's a completely optional situation to be in. You being there only causes aggro between you and your husband anyway. Nobody is forcing you to go, and if your husband so badly wants to go on holiday with you then you can plan a holiday that you both want to go on. The same goes for your kids. You are acting like it's OK that nobody is prioriting you and what you want.

Soulfulunfurling · 27/07/2025 06:18

The issue here is your dh and the number of years he is allowed his family to mistreat you. At the very very beginning it should have been spelt out to his rude family that unless they are fully inclusive and make an effort with his wife then he won’t be seeing them.

He is disrespecting you by allowing his family to behave so badly, no wonder you don’t want to go on holiday or see them!

Yes you have left it too long to address this op, but I have no doubt your first choice isn’t to have a huge row, but it is overdue. He has done nothing to advocate for you, so now you have to . Too bad he doesn’t like it. Tell him this is the very last holiday you are doing and mean it. Outline the reasons, and tell him he has utterly failed to address these issues for years and you have finally had enough,

I would be going home. It’s not your job to keep the peace op. What are your children learning by watching you mistreated like this? That it is okay to blank people and be rude?

Stand your ground.
These are NOT good people op.

ForrinMummy · 27/07/2025 06:20

OP, there are a lot of complaints in there but absolutely no solutions.
Can you describe the holiday they have, and the type of holiday you like.

PotatoBreadForTheWin · 27/07/2025 06:24

Downbadcrying · 26/07/2025 22:05

Oh my word I could have written this word for word.

Solidarity.

Same here. I just suck it up and go on hating every minute as I don’t think there is a realistic alternative.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/07/2025 06:37

Isitreallysohard · 27/07/2025 00:37

He deserves to enjoy a holiday with his family too. As long as it doesn't take up the whole time I don't see the issue, that's just part of having family and in laws

OP has said that his family all blank her on the holiday. Would you want to go on holiday with a group of people who are deliberately ignoring you?

thepariscrimefiles · 27/07/2025 06:41

DodecahedronCat · 27/07/2025 00:28

Yes they basically all blank me, I feel so isolated around them. Im like an invisible passenger

Your husband sounds awful. Why on earth does he expect you to go on holiday with his family when they all blank you and ignore you? They sound so rude and unkind and I can't believe that he still expects you to go.

I assume he has refused to speak to them about his awful behaviour towards you? You say you go because your children really enjoy it, but it sets them such a bad example to see their mum being treated like crap by their grandparents and aunts and uncles while their dad does nothing about it. You need to refuse to go.

MySweetGeorgina · 27/07/2025 06:50

Can you not go but u jet do your own thing?

if SIL says you all go for a long walk but you want to mooch around town, they do their thing and you do yours?

just because someone is bossy does not mean there has to be conflict. Without discussion or argument you can just say “ enjoy the walk, sounds great. I’m going to that gallery I read about, I will see you all again in the evening)

katzman · 27/07/2025 06:51

Your husband sounds controlling and selfish. Your SIL has worked out she can capitalise upon this (or is too self centred to even care). Let him go with your children and you have some you time whilst he’s away. If he loves you he shouldn’t be furious since you’re not being at all unreasonable.

historyismything82 · 27/07/2025 07:07

Why doesn't SIL speak to you? Have you tried to get along?

deathlydull · 27/07/2025 07:08

They won’t change so any change in the situation has to come from you. Just don’t go. The sky won’t fall in. Have a lovely week at home by yourself. If other people are upset by that then that’s their problem.

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 27/07/2025 07:10

If they blank you why go- just send DH and the kids. I wouldn’t be using my annual leave to go away with people that don’t want me there (they would probably prefer it if you weren’t there). Your husband sounds unpleasant too.