To hate holidays with inlaws

[DodecahedronCat]

Every year we go on a UK holiday with my husbands family . His sister in law is the boss of the family, she makes all the plans and everyone follows her. If i ask my husband what we're doing his answer is "I'll see what SISTER says"...
SIL and I are totally different, in 13 years of knowing her she has barely had a conversation with me. I hate being around her and her idea of a holiday is not the same as mine.
I told my husband I cant stand it. He is furious and says its my problem and my bad attitude is ruining the holiday.

Yes, this is what I do

I go for three nights, partner goes for the week.

Don’t go, the kids and dh can. If he doesn’t have your back to have the holiday work at all for you, I certainly wouldn’t go every year.

Send your husband with the kids.

OP, I literally could have written your post word-for-word. My annual in-law UK holiday is next weekend. I have no advice whatsoever (I plan to drink my way through it as it's all I have left at this point), but please know you're not alone.

And ditto word-for-word on this. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I actually did refuse to go last year as I literally reached breaking point with SiL but I know that decision hurt my MiL and DH. I honestly didn't think they'd organise another holiday as SiL revealed shortly after this that she'd been having an affair and was leaving her husband but low and behold she's planned another one this year with new fella coming along and I can't bear to hurt DH, MiL or my kids by not going again.

Once upon a time when my DC were little I made the dumb mistake of me being the one to go for the whole week and DH just did the long weekend because he couldn’t get off work. It was so awful that I was in tears by the first night of being alone with them. They all
just blanked me as if I wasn’t there and I felt so alone and miserable. After that strangely I have never been able to get the time off work and DH has to take them on his own

OP how will your DH react if you tell him that you're not going? Is he likely to turn nasty, only I get the impression he might by what you said about him being 'furious'. If so, I'd be re-thinking whether I even wanted to be with him, let alone his horrible family.

I love my in-laws to bits but holidays with them would be my idea of hell! Your husbands attitude is awful.

He would be really upset and the kids would too. His family would be very awkward about it

Yes they basically all blank me, I feel so isolated around them. Im like an invisible passenger

Yes we have reached the arguing point and its also further ruining the holiday

"I told my husband I cant stand it. He is furious and says its my problem and my bad attitude is ruining the holiday."

So - you have a husband problem.

"Yes they basically all blank me, I feel so isolated around them. Im like an invisible passenger"

And your husband is OK with that? Does he pretend he doesn't see it?

He deserves to enjoy a holiday with his family too. As long as it doesn't take up the whole time I don't see the issue, that's just part of having family and in laws

They blank you?

Fuck that. Don’t go anymore!

I never understand why people go on holiday with extended family. The mere thought of it sends a shiver down my spine.

I wouldn’t entertain it under any circumstances. If you’re mad enough to do it then I’m afraid you have to bear the consequences.

I’d rather have no holidays than one with extended family.

Stop going on holiday with these people! Life is too short! Make arrangements to go on holiday somewhere else for just you, your husband, and whoever else you want to holiday with and do that. If your husband still wants to go on holiday with them then so be it - but there's nothing to say you have to go too. Either have a staycation while he is away with them or go do something else - I would suggest learning to scuba dive and going on a diving holiday somewhere warm and delightful. Learning to dive has been one of the best things I've ever done - and there are loads of diving holidays where people show up by themselves from all kinds of backgrounds - often they have spouses and the partner just doesn't like diving or have any interest. Give it a whirl - find your own things to enjoy doing.

It absolutely isn't "just part" of having in-laws! I know very few people who holiday with their in-laws! Hell, I have no interest in holidaying with my parents - and we get on well. I'm happy to see them, but I don't want to holiday with them, and I wouldn't expect my partner to want to holiday with them either!
Sadly one of my sisters is experiencing this horror at the moment: her mother in law is inviting herself on holiday with my sister and her husband all the time. It's maddening. And, unfortunately, she didn't put her foot down from the get go so it's just become a "regular" occurrence.

Yes but clearly you're not a people person if you don't even want to holiday with you're own parents. I've been on plenty of family holidays and it's lovely, and lovely for the children mostly to spend time with their family. The SIL doesn't sound very nice though, so there probably needs to be a conversation about what the problem is and if OP is made to feel unwelcome she'll stop coming. Relationships are a two way thing.

It's right there in the OP.

Absolutely fuck that! Tell your h in future he can go with the dcs but you’re not bring subjected to this anymore

MN is the only place where I have come across where people holidya with the inlaws. Your husband can go with the kids or you can do your own thing wither with the kids or without them.

I had a similar situation at in-laws then I stopped going. My Sil also acts like the boss of family and not interested in conversation with me. I felt isolated too. I stopped making efforts with her.

You need to calmly tell your husband how his family is making you feel and see what he does

If it’s nothing then I would tell him you are not spending your precious holiday with a family that treats you so badly and one he is prepared to allow to treat you so badly. He and the kids can go on their own and you will go back to work and take the holiday some other time

i would also add the parting shot that you will also be taking the time to reevaluate your relationship as he is not prepared to support you and deal with his family treating you so badlyn

Sounds like she’s doing all the emotional labour of organising stuff. I’d be tempted to let her know you want to do your own thing and let her off the hook.

Do you get other holidays as well OP?

It sounds like you're there and hating it and that has spurred you into action. But there's no point arguing about while you're on holiday. You need to leave and make your own way home or suck it up (nod and smile when you have to and join in what you need to for the sake of your kids but go off and do your own thing when you can, retire to your room and read or watch something on your phone at every opportunity, etc.). However, unless there is something your DH should be doing and isn't, complaining while you're there just ruins everyone else's holiday too. You need to hold your ground before the holiday and refuse to go.

If you have other holidays too, then let DH take the kids on this IL trip, while you go off and do something by yourself - maybe a vacation with friends if you can afford it or, if money is an issue, a staycation where you get in all your favourite foods and binge TV you don't normally get time for.

If this is the only holiday you can afford and there's no chance of having them change things so you will enjoy it too, I would insist on something different every other year and let him and the kids go on the off years (since he and the kids love it).