To feel like DIL wants the money but not a relationship with us?

[grannyhasaq]

My son and his wife have three children under 10. Over the years, my husband and I have supported them financially in many ways: we gave them a substantial deposit for their house, paid for years of nursery fees, gifted him a larger car when their family grew (as a result they own a car each), helped with holidays, and pay for 2 of the children’s private school, among other things.

We’ve always said we’re happy to support our children. We do it because we want our children to live a comfortable life, not expecting anything in return. But as a family we are close, and have always had a warm relationship. We’ve done the same for one of our daughters, who has two children and stays at home full-time. In her case, we help with monthly expenses so she doesn’t have to return to work. She’s warm, appreciative, involves us in her day-to-day life, and we feel like we’re part of their family.

My DIL, however, is a different story. She also wants to be a stay-at-home mum — but my son prefers that she keeps working part-time. He’s said she struggled quite badly with her mental health when she was home full-time during maternity leave (she’s admitted to this too), and that the structure and balance of part-time work is healthier for both of them. During each of her maternity leaves he said they’d argue far more and came close to divorce on a couple of occasions.

That said, she’s made it clear more than once that she expected us to step in financially so she could stop working, like our daughter has. She’s asked outright. We said no, kindly but firmly, because it’s not in our son’s interests. We’ve supported them in many other ways, but we’ve never agreed to fully fund a lifestyle that our own son isn’t comfortable with.

Since then, the tone with her has changed. She’s polite when we see each other, but cold. I’m never invited over unless my son arranges it (which is fine - we’re his family), but even then occasionally after he’s arranged it I’ll get a message or call giving me exact times when I have to leave. This isn’t at all like my son and I know by his voice this isn’t coming from him and he feels uncomfortable with the tight rules and restrictions on when his parents can visit. If I offer to babysit, she’s “already asked her mum.”, although she’s also mentioned her mum finds babysitting hard and has asked my son to pay for a regular babysitter or nanny during the week so she can have time off. If I drop things off for the kids, she’s stiff and awkward, like I’ve overstepped. She makes passive comments “well, some mums get to be at home”. Her own mum lives further away but is at their house far more often than I am.

There are other things too. My daughter (who is close to my son) told me he actually got into trouble recently for taking the children to see us one Saturday while DIL was out with a friend. She’d apparently told him she wanted him to spend the day “just with the kids,” as if including their grandparents somehow made it less valid.

And one incident still sits badly with me. I had pre-arranged a quick Sunday morning visit, brought pastries which they’ve previously liked, and while she was polite, as I left, I clearly heard her say: “I just don’t want them getting used to seeing her this often.” For context: we live 15 minutes away, and I see the children once a week for a few hours, sometimes less.

It’s honestly got me to the point where I’m thinking about taking the kids and my son to Disney for a long weekend. I’d pay for the trip — hotel, park tickets, travel — and I’d invite her along if she wants to come, but she’d need to cover her own costs. If she thinks she sees too much of me, I don’t want to impose. I was going to position it as “you deserve a break!” but truthfully, I just feel worn down. If I’m not wanted in the day-to-day, maybe I’ll put my energy into the bits where I am welcome.

AIBU to feel like she wants the benefits of having generous in-laws — without actually having to deal with us? I’ve never overstepped, I’ve never criticised her parenting, I’ve done everything “right”… and I still feel like I’m being treated as a bit of a problem.

I have to agree with this.

So I’d assume if your son wanted to be a sahp you would fund it like your dd. Which is fair enough. Your dil isn’t your child and it was bloody cheeky of her to ask. I wonder if they feel your dd is getting a bonus in some way or that you are playing favourites.

With regard to her treatment of you, she doesn’t seem to like you very much it’s hard to know if it’s about the sahp thing or if there’s more to it because tbh you sound like you are paying to expect a certain response/behaviour from your children which isn’t right at all. It’s up
to you if you gift your children but equally it shouldn’t come with expectations. If you don’t want to gift don’t do it.
The best thing you could do is be kind/ gracious and make an effort with dil at best it will help your relationship but even if it doesn’t she’s the one who comes across poorly not you.

I have a SIL who believes that she's entitled to my parents' generosity in the same way and to the same extent that I am. In fact, she thinks she's more entitled than I am because she's "given them" more grandchildren than I have, and does more for them than I do (I live in a different country).

I have other SILs who don't think that way at all. Obviously, she doesn't compare herself to them - only to me, which tells you what's probably at the root of all this.

In her eyes, my parents get access to her children, get her help/munificence (or so she thinks - eg they do pick-ups sometimes which she thinks is her doing them a favour by allowing them time with their GDC but which my parents find exhausting (they're in their 80s) because it involves sitting in 1.5 hours of rush hour traffic with tired children, something they're well past at this age), whereas I do fuck all and yet get what she sees as the better deal.

My DPs have told her repeatedly that they do what they do for all their children and grandchildren because they're their children and grandchildren, and point out to her that she would do exactly the same when she's their age (she readily agrees). They tell her that she needs to look to her parents for the same. She says they don't have as much (they're comfortably off, just not to the same extent). My parents sort of shrug at that point.

But at the root of all the strife and discord is my DB who doesn't communicate well enough between my SIL and my DM. He's the common denominator. But he won't take responsibility because he "doesn't want to get involved". Suggesting that he should actually get involved, my parents feel would be like interfering in their marriage and causing arguments from the outside. So my parents maintain their position; my SIL is constantly sniping and making passive aggressive comments which occasionally blow up into full-out rows - it's utterly exhausting for my DM at her age. It's got to the point now where they just don't speak. They just pay for stuff. It's awful. The GDC are growing up and becoming more independent; my parents are growing older and becoming a bit more dependent on my DB. I just don't know what to suggest to my DM. We other DC and our spouses are at a complete loss. It's a terrible situation, which causes a lot of strife in both households. Your situation is pretty much the same and I can only imagine what not paying for her costs to Disney would do to it. (I really, really wouldn't go there).

If they earn enough to fund a housekeeper(!) they don't need your money. As previous posters have said, what may have started as generosity is creating crippled adults and damaging a relationship. You should give your son and daughter fair warning that financial support will stop in X months time, and divert the money to kids ISAs instead.

"
I don’t know 100% of details on their finances but from what I can deduce and the things they’ve said, his salary pays for family expenses (mortgage, bills, holidays, food, activities, meals out, kids’ activities, housekeeper, private healthcare including private maternity etc) and her salary is more like “play money” for herself so to be used on her sport, dinner with friends, new pair of sunglasses, hairdressers, clothes etc"

This response alone demonstrates how little you like her. You present your son as financially responsible, caring and generous. He pays for his own kids activities. He paid for her private maternity care. Oh what a wonderful chap he must be paying for private medical care for his wife carrying his child. He even pays for a housekeeper. Meanwhile she is presented as irresponsible, lazy and materialistic with her salary being spent on herself on sunglasses, lunches and hairdresser appointments. The fact that you have presented your son and her in such diametrically opposed ways demonstrates how little you think of her. You just really don't seem to like her. She no doubt has picked up on this and is cold towards you.
As an aside it's absolutely fine that you naturally love your own son and daughter more. However, to treat her less favourably and as though a lesser being os not the way to build a good relationship with her.

the OP is hurt and feels and understandably so. When people feel like this they consider how to fight back. Clearly that is not her normal nature because she has been generous with money and time over an extended period. Someone who can be so spiteful at the drop of a hat may not appreciate this.

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It blows my mind that the DIL asked (several times by the sounds of it!) for you to fund her being a SAHM. That's crazy.

My parents are wealthy and have offered a lot of financial help over the years and I still wouldn't have the gall to ask that. If my DH asked them for money to be a stay-at-home dad (the equivalent of the DIL asking the MIL) I would seriously consider divorcing him. So incredibly grasping.

Great idea - take him and kids to Disney.
When they then divorce and their family is torn apart, you can see the kids on his time as much as you like.

Over the years, my husband and I have supported them financially in many ways: we gave them a substantial deposit for their house, paid for years of nursery fees, gifted him a larger car when their family grew (as a result they own a car each), helped with holidays, and pay for 2 of the children’s private school, among other things.

Which of those generous gifts has 'not benefited her at all'? I'll give you a clue. None of them. She's benefited from all of them.

I can't begin to imagine going to my in-laws and asking them to hand over yet more money so that I could be a SAHM!

Haven't rtft.
I'd guess you are getting your arse handed to you though

yanbu at all. I say this as a high earner myself. I felt angry reading your thread and I'm generally "team dil & mil is a monster" (eeek!)

The level of entitlement and "taking it for granted" is slightly breathtaking.

You need to take a step back and see how messed up this is. You unfortunately set this situation up indirectly with your generosity.

Based on info supplied you are funding both your kids to what....
I'm guessing something in the region of 100k net per year????
That's phenomenal... I would be expected to crawl over broken glass and by my mil if she so much as contributed to private school so our kids are going state or private on scholarship only (sorry kids)

You need to have a come to Jesus talk with your son and the wife. That convo goes approximately "we very generously give you 50k pa net to with as you will. We put no conditions and strings on it when honeslty most people would.
We also give you the same as our daughter. This is totally fair.
My understanding is there's an issue and you seem you think either its not fair or we dont give you enough.
I want understand exactly why you think that and what your viewpoint is on it so we can clear up any misunderstandings and move on because currently there's a lot of friction and it cant go on. We love you and want you to be happy but we wont have our kindness abused or have to pay to see our GC"

I'd basically reset the expectations and if she doesnt stop being such a miserable dick about it Iand checks her priviledge i would 100% take just your GC to Disney.

Suit yourselves entirely because if she wants to play power games.
if my DIL wanted to restrict access and expected me to sit quietly until she calls AND wanted me to be a walking chequebook she'd be sorely disappointed.

Side note: If their marriage falls apart I'd love to see what "her lifestyle" looks like then... she could kiss the housekeeper goodbye for starters

Totally agree. Never realised the hatred towards mothers of sons until I joined mumsnet. You will never win.

Are you proud of your children? I would be utterly ashamed of mine if they took the level of money that your son is sponging off you but your daughter is another level.

First reply nailed it for me tbh. If you son agreed to go away with his mummy for free, but make his wife pay, she needs to get rid of the lot of you! I’m guessing DIL’s version of this relationship is very very different, though the truth will always be somewhere in between.
‘Never overstepped, never criticised’ hmm, he’s clearly a mummy’s boy and you are able to write a massive post about what you dislike about his wife and how she’s a money grabbing cow? She knows what you think of her.

I don’t think you sound very nice at all, OP — and the fact that you’ve slunk off while pointedly not addressing any of the criticisms of your horrendously spiteful Disney plan speaks volumes.

You’ve made a bit of a rod for your own back by offering them so much. Whilst this is really lovely of you, I’m not sure it was sensible. Your dil seems to want more and more. I’m not seeing how you’re being controlling as some pp are suggesting. I can understand why she wants to be a sahm given your dd is, but were you to fund someone staying at home, it would surely be your ds for parity? I think she has the wrong impression that you can simply find their lives: they should be supporting their own dc like real grown ups.

If she repeatedly makes pass-agg comments re being a sahm, you really need to speak up and say that your ds doesn’t want that, it’s not like you’re refusing her. How would they cope if circumstances changed and you had to suddenly pull back if god forbid, one of you needed care in later life? I’d be reviewing what you’re paying for, particularly with inheritance laws.

But you've said you give generous financial support over the years, so it's not like he's paying 100% of these expenses from his wages. A generous house deposit, private school fees, holidays.
It's interesting you know he paid for private maternity health care. They are presumably his children and she would have been going on maternity leave, which usually sees a drop in income for the mother.

I feel like you're trying hard to paint your son as at the mercy of his grabby wife, whereas he actually has the power here. She wants to be a SAHM and he says no, and that's what is happening.

You said she goes to her sport once a week, hardly excessive. And how many pairs of sunglasses does she buy for this to even be noteworthy.

Fwiw I think it is best for her to stay employed, as she's probably in a vulnerable position should they separate. I bet all the financial help would be pulled to help your son's financial position if a divorce was on the cards.

OP, you’ve become a toxic problem in your child’s marriage even if your intentions were good (although I suspect an element of control).

By all means try the Disney land suggestion. It will go one of two ways, your son will either back his wife and reject the offer and the relationship with your DIL will not recover and you’ll see less of the kids

or your son will jump at the chance, it will explode their marriage, eventual divorce and you’ll see less of the kids.

She’s the mum, if this is about seeing more of the kids, this is not the way to go about it.

All of it gives me the ick! I hope you are multi multi millionaire who can forever fund this lifestyle! What happens when you both die, do they have trust funds? Life will be sadly very poor for your darling g children otherwise. We are wealthy but keep it quiet and our children have absolutely no idea as we drive shit cars, never tell what we really have and also expect them to do their best totally in their own. No private school, no promising they’ll never face to work. It would be really bad for their mental health and always has strings attached, even if you think it doesn’t. My mind is blown at this post.

Of course she sounds like a bitch. That’s what the Op made her sound like.

So you’re saying it’s ok for the DIL to be a rude, grabby, entitled cunt who’s thrown her toys out the pram because the OP won’t cough up the goodies?

Sadly, the OP has learned the hard way that generosity gets you nowhere and people like to bite the hand that feeds them.

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But in fairness though, you are having it easier than her if you don't live on the same country as her and she is much more involved with your parents. You could always make a sacrifice and move back to be closer to your elderly parents to help care for them in their old age instead of criticising someone having to help out and spend time with someone else's parents. Or you could criticise your brother for not doing more for them. So for her to be treated less favourably is unfair. If I were her I would be taking a step back from your family.

My MIL was a lovely woman, far more supportive than my own mum. I miss her so much. I'm definitely not biased against MILs.

I think your son stating her mental health as a reason not to be a sahm now is completely unfair. There is a huge difference between having a newborn and other children to cater to, sleepless nights, and your body recovering from growing a human to how it would be now.

I am not suggesting that you fund her staying home but I would talk to him about her wishes and whether they could afford for her to do that. You should be able to discuss finances as you are already supporting them and see how the land lies.

I do think that your DIL has some nerve though, putting one hand out for money from you but also giving you the finger with the other hand. She could seriously jeopardise what she has, which is an incredibly generous hand out from her inlaws.

This is such a weird way to look at it.
And a very recent byproduct of capitalism sadly people have become selfish cunts
My soul purpose in this world used to ensure my children thrive, My money is their money and if I needed it, it would flow back the other way, but it never would.
Really sad reflection on society that that’s not people’s view, because we’d all be better for it